Saturday, October 29, 2005

Alice Tops Honeymooners Love Slave Poll

An impressive sixty-two per cent of Americans polled would choose Alice Kramden to be their love slave for the night, according to a poll conducted last week on this web log.

More than seven participated in the online poll--"If you could choose one Honeymooner to be your sex slave for the night, who would it be?" Nearly two-thirds of those polled preferred an evening of romance with Alice Kramden, the long-suffering, harried hausfrau, to a night of hot monkey love with any of the other three principal characters.

Twenty-five per cent chose Ralph Kramden, overweight and irritable New York City bus driver. Some interpret a preference for Ralph as "chubby chasing", but one participant said she chose Ralph because sometimes he could be "very romantic."

A mere twelve per cent of those polled chose former bubble dancer and Kramden neighbor Trixie Norton. Experts cite Trixie's reliable but relatively wooden style of performing as a factor in her unexpectedly weak third place showing.

None of those surveyed would choose Kramden’s mentally challenged best friend, sewer worker Ed Norton, as their love slave for the night. Some researchers find this surprising since experienced women often assert that “dumb guys” have extraordinary stamina. Still others pointed out that even if Norton was a fine lover, his elaborate and time-consuming over-gesticulation prior to "getting down to business" would be annoying to potential romantic partners, who would come to a "slow boil" of anger as they watch Norton go through his senseless, idiotic prepartory "routine," finally lose their patience, shoving him real hard on the shoulder and nearly knocking him over, groaning "Will you get ON with it" between gritted teeth.


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