National: Calling All Conservatives: New Suit for Bush, Pronto!

Calling all conservatives: We’ve got trouble because a real military leader, General Clark, has now entered the presidential race. This means that the President can no longer go around getting his picture taken in an Air Force flight suit to enhance his credibility as a hero.

It was bad enough to have a Viet Nam veteran like Kerry as an opponent, but this Clark guy is the real thing and was apparently entitled to wear a uniform. His presence in the race is bound to call attention to the fact that President Bush refused to volunteer for combat duty during the Viet Nam war and later deserted from the Air National Guard unit he was assigned to during wartime. We don’t want to call attention to these issues by staging any more photo ops of Bush in an Air Force flight suit.

It is imperative that we find some other kind of suit for the President to appear in, prior to next year’s televised Presidential debates. Here are my suggestions:

Gorilla suit. Wearing one of these would define President Bush as an alpha male, leader of the Republican primates, a bull gorilla, looking strong. He would enter the televised debates in the gorilla suit, swinging in on an old tire hanging from a rope and startling the opposing candidate. Then he hops off the tire, grunting, baring fangs, raising arms, beating his breast. Finally, when his opponent is petrified with shock, the ‘gorilla’ stands, removes head—and underneath, it’s a smiling President Bush. Opponent made to look like a fool.

“Suit of Lights.” This is what they call the outfit worn by a matador during a bullfight. Tight pants, tight jacket, sparkles, white stockings, buckled shoes, little Mickey Mouse type hat, long red cape over one arm, and sword. Picture the President entering the debates swirling his red cape around dramatically, going up on his toes; then making a series of graceful turns and passes around the Democratic candidate, skillfully avoiding contact while taunting his opponent with cries of “Toro! Toro!” Should play well with Latino voters.

Space Suit. Suggests President Bush is a ‘man of the future’. Looking ahead to ‘the final frontier’. Suggests ‘space exploration’, vision, the future, a better tomorrow. Consists of space helmet, shiny chrome fabric suit, air supply box, moon boots, etc. At debates, the President would intentionally move in slow motion, suggesting ‘low gravity’/’walking in outer space’. If opposing candidate or a reporter challenges the President with a particularly tough question, the President will be able to stall credibly instead of giving an answer by pretending his spacesuit’s radio is malfunctioning: “Houston! I’m not reading you! Come in, Houston, you’re breaking up!” Increases suspense, increases audience sympathy for the President apparently ‘lost in space’; audience admires President’s bravery.

Leisure suit. Very casual, very laid back. The message it sends is: “I’m too cool to care about you, General Clark.” Optional mirrored sunglasses; ascot.

Swimsuit. President’s outfit would consist of a sexy thong in some wild tropical color; top would be optional. This costume would send a subliminal message to the viewers watching the debate at home. The average viewer’s reaction would go something like this: “Hmm! Bush is wearing a swimsuit, reminds me of: swimsuit issue, reminds me of: Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, concludes: Bush is a ‘sport’, and he knows the ‘issues’.”

Clown suit. This costume would remind the viewers that the President feels their pain and wants to help. Example: President Bush shows up for debate in clown suit/make-up/rubber nose, etc. For first fifteen minutes or so of debate, opponent and reporters don’t dare ask him why he is dressed like this; they think he may have gone crazy. Finally, his Democratic opponent works up the courage to ask the President: “Why are you dressed like a clown, Mr. Bush?” The President answers, solemnly: “It’s to cheer up the folks at home, because American servicemen are being killed in Iraq almost every day.” Then the President glares at his opponent, points finger at him, and says: “And what are you doing to cheer them up tonight, sir?”

Actually, I don’t know whether wearing the clown suit would help or hurt, but I figured I would mention it because the President probably already has one around somewhere.

William Prendergast is the author of the crime thriller “Forbidden Hollywood”, and is not really a ‘spin doctor’; he’s more of a ‘spin registered nurse.’