Thursday, May 19, 2005

Minnesota: Senator Bachmann Does Dirty Radio Show

Did you know that pseudo-Christian State Senator Michele Bachmann thinks radio “shock jock” Tom Barnard is “awesome?” I did not know that until I heard her guesting on Barnard’s KQ Morning Show.

I’m not a regular listener, but from what I can make out Barnard’s program is a popular local version of the sort of “outrageous” morning radio Howard Stern pioneered back in the eighties. Barnard won a much-publicized ratings battle with Stern some time back. The format, tone and content of Barnard’s program seem to owe a lot to Stern’s “good taste.”

According to Barnard Bachmann had called in the day before her appearance trying to get on the show, but had missed him. So on Thursday, May 12, Barnard asked her to call in again.

He then went into a funny radio “bit;” the sort of material typically associated with this kind of program. This bit was about “first date” tips from Maxim Magazine: “In a woman’s mind the main purpose of a first date with you is to figure out why you are not coitus-worthy.” Barnard added: “And that’s kind of weak because you may like her or may wish to fornicate with her...” This was punctuated by playing a sound byte of a woman who said: “Tread lightly, who lives in hope of p***y.”

You know, I never thought Bachmann would support the kind of broadcast language and content you hear on Barnard’s program. I’ll bet most of her Christian supporters thought the same. They’ll probably be surprised to learn that she’s willing to endorse this sort of thing by appearing on such a program.

Barnard and his crew and callers filled the airwaves with jokes about men and women getting rid of the clap and trading crabs (“I’ll give you two blind ones for one with no teeth”.) Then they took a call from a guy who told us all about “a foot-long bloater” in the toilet during a first date.

Shortly after another hilarious “I’m Rick James, bitch” sound byte, Barnard was told that Senator Bachmann was on the line. Calling from a traffic jam, she was on hold and waiting to join the fun.

I don’t know if any of you have ever called in to talk radio. When you’re on hold, waiting to speak, you hear the show as it is being broadcast—it’s relayed through your phone as well as the radio. So while Bachmann was on hold, it is likely that she was enjoying the rest of the sexy first date routine and another outrageous sound byte (“I think what I’m most known for is my wiener.”)

None of this material discouraged Senator Bachmann from remaining on hold, or from lending the dignity of her office to the proceedings. One of Barnard’s zany crew scheduled her: “We’ll wrap up the sex survey here, and just when we’re in the sexin’ up mood, then we’ll turn to Michele at eight o’clock for a happy ending.”

When she finally came on, Bachmann spoke to Barnard and company about a number of her concerns: leftist domination of school curriculum, legal gay marriage as a threat to democracy, how welfare and health care expenditures will eventually consume the state budget. The conversation was a bit confused; at one point Barnard didn’t seem to understand that Bachmann was appearing on the program to deny that she was asking high school students to spy on classroom teachers and report their findings to her.

Barnard asked Bachmann if she thought she hated homosexuals.

“I think what I love is democracy…” she began. Sensing an evasion, a Barnard co-host pressed her: “Answer the question, do you hate homos?”

“No,” laughed Bachmann. “But ask my kids!” (Laughter.)

Barnard claimed that religion has no place in government and that the founding fathers made it very clear that this is not a Christian nation. Oddly enough, this assertion went unchallenged by Bachmann.

But she did announce that Barnard was her 23-year-old son’s hero! Bachmann thinks college professors are becoming a bad influence on our kids. But at the same time, she’ll tell the world that penis-and-p***y-and-bloater-jokin’ morning shock jock Tom Barnard is her college student son’s hero. I didn’t think kids raised in a Christian household would be very interested in that kind of stuff. In fact, I thought they’d be against it.

As a parting anecdote, Barnard offered the following: “I was at lunch this week and I ran into Congressman Kennedy who’s running for the United States Senate. I did point one thing out to him, I said if he wins United States Senate, he will be the first United States Senator Kennedy I’ve ever spoken to that didn’t kill someone.”

Well, the whole morning crew nearly died laughing at that one. And so did Bachmann. “You’re awesome!” she told Barnard, before she hung up.

So Minnesota’s most powerful pseudo-Christian legislator cracks up at Chappaquidick jokes.

It makes you wonder: what would Jesus find hilarious?

William Prendergast is the author of the crime thriller “Forbidden Hollywood,” and says: “If Michele Bachmann’s saved, I don’t wanna be.”


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