Saturday, September 02, 2006

International Mystery: Tokyo Takedown, Part VI--The Final Conflict

When I woke up, I found that I was—oh, fuck this. I’ve had it with this whole thing, the hell with it. I’m busting my ass writing this story and formatting photos of Japanese trannies, and for what? The checks aren’t exactly rolling in from you guys, are they? And then some knuckleheads start writing in complaining that Part IV really should have been labeled Part III, and busting my balls about whether the next part is going to be part V or Part VI. For Christ's sake, this is not a story about Roman numerals. If you think it is, you missed the goddamn point. The hell with you.

Those of you who did send in money, I’m very sorry, but it’s just not enough to justify the effort I’ve put into this thing. Anyway, the readers who didn’t send anything were enjoying a free ride at your expense; too bad, but I hoped you learned something from this. I sure did. No refunds, by the way.

Ya want to know the end of the story? I didn’t find bin Laden, okay? Ya happy? Ya want to know the end of the story, there it is, I missed him again. And the rickshaw ride alone cost me eighty five bucks, so don’t come crying to me.

And I’m not the only one who suffered, believe me. Here’s a picture of my nephew, he’s eighteen years old, he went to Japan with me, here he is passed out in some bar in Kyoto:

You try making an ‘epic’ out of that if you want, I’m through with this. But let me see if I can find some other pictures to fill out the rest of this article… Got to wrap this up, somehow… Let’s see…what can I put in for ‘pathos’?

Ah! Here’s one of my late dog. She got sick down in New Orleans, we had to put her down.

She was sixteen years old; she had a good life but she got the dog anemia, so that was that. We had to put her down, it broke my heart. I’m throwing that in for ‘pathos.’ We have her ashes in a little fiberglass monument that we keep by the fireplace. Her name was “Goethe,” she was a “good girl” and I miss her very much.

Now we don’t want to finish on a note like that; we need something ‘upbeat’… Ah! Here’s my new dog, the one who bit me you-know-where.

Now isn’t that cute? That’s what the Internet was invented for, pictures of cute dogs and distributing pornography.

‘Danger?’ Okay, I know you liked the ‘danger’ stuff in the story, that tested very well with the focus group--Here’s Roy of “Siegfried and Roy” with the white tiger that finally got him. This was taken in the good old days, when he and the tiger were still getting along. But if it’s danger you want, pretend the tiger is attacking him in the photo. Use your imaginations, come on.

And finally, here’s me in the alley again, for ‘closure.’

Well--thank you all very much, and I hope you enjoyed “Bill Prendergast in: “International Mystery: Tokyo Takedown” as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. (If you’re a reader who has just joined us and you came in in the middle of this story and don’t understand what’s going on, scroll down this page and start reading it from the beginning, and then send a check for $14 to the Stillwater Tribune, c/o Bill Prendergast.)

I will continue my hunt for bin Laden, but in the meantime we return to the hard-hitting news coverage you’ve come to expect from--The Stillwater Tribune.


At 1:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The dog pictures were great. I wept over Goethe, chuckled over New Dog and generally ran the gamut of human emotions here. If that isn't epic, I don't know what is.

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Prendergast said...

I knew I should have made the whole thing into a dog story! Screw the spy stuff, people want the good dogs. My God, do you know how much I spent to film in Japan? Money thrown out the window. Next time-it's dogs, dogs, dogs, cute dogs, when will I ever learn. Thanks for the feedback; grab a free "Stillwater Tribune" refrigerator magnet on your way out the door.

At 4:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At 5:50 PM, Blogger Prendergast said...

Micki--if you and Mark want me to come back to the Gazette as a columnist, you'll have to ask me in person, or at least over the telephone. No more of this 'anonymous' stuff, please.

At 10:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

R.I.P., dear Goethe.

At 10:38 PM, Blogger Prendergast said...

Thanks for the note on Goethe; that's very kind of you, whoever you are. Don't put away your black veil yet, either, because real soon you may have to R.I.P the successor dog in the next photo. She's grown up vicious and she's not working out and she bites and she's not responding to re-training either. Her name is Dante. No decision has been made on Dante yet, that's all I will say at this point.


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