New Orleans: Brangelina, Brangelina, Brangelina--AAAGH!

“Hey, didja hear that Brad and Angelina moved down to New Orleans?”
“Hey, you live in the French Quarter, that’s where Brangelina bought a house, isn’t it?”
“Hey, did you see Brad and Angelina walking around the Quarter yet?”
“Hey, let me know if have any Brad and Angelina sightings while you’re down there—“

Oh, shut up. Eff off, with your Brad and Angelina.

Yes, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have moved here to New Orleans, and yes, they bought a house in the Quarter. It’s the front page story in the Times-Picayune.

Yes, they’ve been seen hanging out around town; no, I haven’t seen them. No, I don’t know what they ordered at the bar, or where they ate breakfast, or where they took a shit.

Yes, I will be excited if I see Angelina out in public. Yes, I still want to sleep with Angelina; I have for the last five years, it’s been a recurring theme in my articles. No, I don't think that's why she moved here. No, I don’t think the fact that she’s moved here improves my chances; not unless I can convince her that having sex with me is the only way to stop the next Category Five hurricane.

And I’m not her type, anyway—I’m a man’s man, I’m a bit grizzled, I’ve got a bit of a gut on me; Angelina seems to go for the boy-man, girly-man type (Sleeping with Billy Bob Thornton was a career move.)

Yes, I admire them for what they’re doing. They are conscious of the fact--ridiculous as the fact is--that their supernova celebrity status, combined with their move here, will improve the town’s chances of recovery. It will keep the cameras on New Orleans, any time and all the time that they are in town. It’s very sad that that’s what it takes to keep this city and its ultimate fate in the news, but I thank Brangelina for putting up the bucks to buy a house here and for making a point of “being seen” around the streets of New Orleans. That will remind folks around the world that we’re still here.

Of course, the money’s no big deal to them. Those two have got money coming out their ears, they pee money. Pitt could buy the city a whole new public school system just by selling his wife’s old underwear on Ebay. That’s not an option for the rest us here in New Orleans.

Still, thank you, Brangelina, for trying to help out. And Angelina—well. You know.