The War: Super New Iraq Team To Take Charge

by William Prendergast

I got kind of excited when I read this AP headline on the wire the other day:

New Iraq Team Brings a Fresh Look to War
Apr 21, 1:27 PM EDT

But I was less excited after I started reading the names of the people on the “Fresh New Team” that will be fighting evil in Iraq. (They’re listed in a follow-up AP story “Key Members of New Iraq Team.” That’s how the media and the administration are selling this to the public.)

The first names on the list are kind of disappointing. I mean, we’ve been reading about some of these people for months and in some cases years. Some of them had even been on the original Iraq team, had been fired for being realistic, and are now being brought back.

But then you read on down the list, and you say “A-HA! Now THAT is a new team member, THAT guy is going to make a difference for sure.”

Look over the list and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Don’t just stop after “General Petraeus” (the C.O. who paid twenty bucks for a two dollar prayer rug in a Baghdad market during John McCain’s disastrous one hour photo-op tour.) Keep reading the names, there’s some exciting new guys there that are sure to fire the public imagination.

Key Members of New Iraq Team

Apr 21, 1:28 PM EDT

A look at important members of President Bush's new team for the Iraq war:

ARMY GEN. DAVID PETRAEUS:

Replaced Gen. George Casey as the top U.S. commander in Iraq in January.
The front-line general with the Princeton doctorate is considered one of the Pentagon's ablest and brainiest young stars.

DEFENSE SECRETARY ROBERT GATES:

Took over from Donald H. Rumsfeld at the Pentagon in December. Gates had been a member of the blue ribbon Iraq Study Group panel and contributed to the group's report that recommended fundamental changes in U.S. strategy for conduct of war and diplomatic strategy in Iraq.

RYAN CROCKER:

Sworn in as U.S. ambassador to Iraq in March, replacing White House insider Zalmay Khalilzad. Calm and intense, Crocker carries instant credibility as one of the State Department's most experienced and respected Middle East experts.

CAPTAIN COURAGE:

Bitten by a radioactive lion during a freak accident at the San Diego Zoo, this former ninety-eight pound neo-con policy wonk’s genetic structure was fundamentally altered so that he now has the courage, reflexes and proportionate strength of an entire pride of lions. He also has a “super-sonic roar” that terrifies and paralyzes Shi’ites and Sunnis alike.

DR. X-RAY:

Astonishing x-ray vision gives him the power to detect and melt IEDs in just seconds. Also a formidable intelligence asset, able to discern friend from foe by sending out powerful “X-waves” to read the minds of Iraqi natives. Has described Doug Feith as “the dumbest motherfucker I ever met.” Also can fly.

NINE-ELEVEN GIRL:

Has the ability to restore morale to troops at any time simply by projecting images of the September 11th attacks into their minds. Can’t fly, but can make incredible leaps of logic. Has long blonde hair, a mask, and wears a skin-tight costume. Thus, very telegenic.

THE INCREDIBLE GIGANTUS:

Whenever this retired Marine Corps drill instructor becomes even mildly annoyed, his body morphs into a giant purple bulletproof super-human colossus standing eighteen feet tall and weighing nearly two tons, capable of ripping an enemy tank in half with his bare hands. Unfortunately the regular armed forces destroyed all the enemy tanks years ago, but the new team will certainly find the Incredible Gigantus something to rip in half, soon.

THE MAN WITHOUT FEAR:

Blind from birth, this hero’s other senses developed to such an extraordinary degree that he can perceive far more than most sighted persons. (Former Defense Secretary Rumsfeld had him terminated back in 2002 for perceiving that a US invasion of Iraq would lead to military and political disaster.) Possessing the strength of ten ordinary Iraqis, he has the power to swing from building to building. Contractors employed by U.S. occupation forces are currently working on constructing some buildings in downtown Baghdad so he will have something to swing from.

So you see, this is actually a pretty exciting new team. The only suggestion I would make would be to call the new Iraq team something more exciting, like the “All New League of Iraq Avenging Justice Heroes” or something. And we’ve got to do something about those costumes they’re using. They need some capes, at least.