Bill is Alright--How Is Everyone Here?

My God, what an experience. I did a satirical post attacking Paul Wolfowitz for corruption and lechery on the Daily Kos--in the opening line I referred to Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson as "that fat black woman" from "Dreamgirls"--just a passing reference, the post wasn't about Hudson or fat black women at all--

And my GOD! The reaction from liberals and leftists on the blog! I mean, a few people got it, a few even recommended it--but all day, until well into the night I had about a dozen people jumping up and down on me in their Birkenstoks! They were furious!

It was like the end of the Benny Hill show, with me as Benny and a bunch of angry fellow Bush-haters chasing me around the park in fast motion while the saxophone plays...Dyaaaa-yadadadackadacka-dackadackadackadack-dack-dackadacka-dak-dak...for seven or eight hours! I'm exhausted! I think I have a tumor. Feel that lump there, right behind by temple, does that feel benign to you?

Jesus H. Christ. Look, this was the very first post I received criticizing my word choice--

"fat black woman"?
Fuck you.



peace,

Peace Lover

And that's how it STARTED. Some people didn't even read the piece or the next sentence, even! All they saw was "fat black woman" and then they went for their guns! It was awful! I was terrified...

Peace Lover said she was gonna report me to the Daily Kos Kops. Then another guy wrote in and said that HE was gonna report HER, and that he already had! There was blood on the fucking floor! People were writing in to tell *me* I was not funny! ME, not funny? I told them I would strike them all dead for their impertinence, with one of my "funnybolts." "Foolish mortals! Fuck off back to your copies of the Nation!"

Actually I didn't. I cowered, and then I hid, and then I made the mistake of trying to explain what "satire" was--

"You condescending prick, WE know what satire is! Yours isn't funny! We're investigating your posts to see if your a TROLL, as soon as we get through turning each other in--What have you got against obese people?"

"Nothing! I'm obese! The point of the piece was--"

"OH-HOOOO! SELF-LOATHING obese sexist racist bastard, eh?"

No way out! No way out! Got to think, distract them--"I see your point, I think have some herbal tea out in the kitchen, let me go check--"

"GUARDS! SEIZE HIM!"

Dyaaaa-yadadadackadacka-dackadackadackadack-dack-dackadacka-dak-dak...

I wouldn't give them the apology they asked for, but I went out and removed the phrase "fat black woman" from the opening line (because I felt it was somehow detracting from the effectiveness of the piece.) The rest of the piece, by the way, was described by my tormentors as "sexist trash, ripped off from 70s issues of Hustler Magazine." One woman said she was going to report me for defending Wolfowitz!
It was fucking nuts!

Anyway, one good thing came out of the whole experience. I found a book of poetry that seems very good to me--"The Fat Black Woman's Poems" by Grace Nichols. It includes poems such as "The Fat Black Woman Remembers" and "The Fat Black Woman Goes Shopping." I read one of them while preparing my defense brief. It's very euphonic, nice to read out loud.

I was going to send all my critics a copy as a present to show there were no hard feelings on my side, but I decided that would be passive-agressive--beneath me.