Special: Preview From My New Play

As some of you may have heard, I have written a new play and it is currently scheduled to be read by actors at a staged reading produced at the Playwright's Center. The date is December 7th of this year; admission is free and you are all invited to attend.

What follows is the first scene of the play, which, I hope, will whet your appetites.

SCENE ONE

(Office of Dr. Lightner, a specialist in proctology. Lights come up on Dr. West and Dr. Lightner. Dr. Lightner is seated at his desk, signing some forms. Dr. West is sitting across from him, watching him anxiously.)

LIGHTNER
I’m only doing this as a favor to you, you know.

WEST
Once you see him, you’ll understand everything.

LIGHTNER
Come on, Dave-- a confidentiality statement? This is a kind of an insult to me. I’m a proctologist, we have to have discretion. We live and die by our discretion.

WEST
It’s not meant as any kind of an insult. It’s just that he absolutely refuses to seek medical care without it. He’s my patient, and I have to respect his wishes.

LIGHTNER
And that’s another thing--why does a guy go see his psychiatrist first, if the problem is medical? Look, this isn’t some weird psycho-anal thing you’re dragging me into, because you know I don’t go for all that shit--

WEST
No, no, it’s nothing like that. Naturally, there is a psychiatric… dimension to it… But it’s not in his mind, it’s real. It’s physiological. And it’s life-threatening, Steve, you’ll see when I bring him in.

LIGHTNER
(hands him the forms)
Here. What really pisses me off is that you won’t even give me a clue as to what this whole thing is about, without me first signing my whole life away to you with goddamn confidentiality statements--



WEST
(examining the forms)
Well, I’ve got a duty of confidentiality, too, you know—

LIGHTNER
Don’t hand me that! We’re physicians, goddammit! I am, anyway. There should be a relationship of trust between us, we’re not like fucking lawyers. You should tell me what I’m getting into before I find myself getting hold of the shitty end of the insurance stick—

WEST
(rises)
These look okay. I’ll bring him in. You’ll understand everything just as soon as you’ve had a look at him.

(West exits.)

LIGHTNER
Pain in my...
(phone rings on his desk, he answers)
What, what, what now?
(listens)
No, I can’t.
(listens)
Because I’m going to examine a fucking patient right now, that’s why!
(listens)
Well, tell him to rub some Vaseline on it or something, I don’t care.

(West enters with Coburn, a white man in his thirties. Suit and tie business type. Coburn is embarrassed.)

LIGHTNER
(to phone)
Give him the number of the nurse practitioner, tell her to call me if it’s anything serious.
(hangs up, rises, smiles)
Mr. Coburn?



COBURN
(extends his hand)
Yeah.

LIGHTNER
Pleased to meet you.

COBURN
Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

LIGHTNER
Dr. West told me that your condition was very serious.

(Coburn looks at West.)

WEST
And that’s all I told him, Bob.
(shows forms)
See? He’s signed the confidentiality agreements.

LIGHTNER
(sits down)
It’s very unusual for me to be asked to sign a statement prior to examining a patient.

COBURN
I really appreciate your doing that.

LIGHTNER
You can sit down, if you like.

COBURN
I’d prefer to remain standing.

LIGHTNER
That’s not unusual, in here. Mr. Coburn, there’s very little that can be wrong with you that I haven’t seen in this office before or read about in medical journals.

COBURN
That’s exactly what I’m afraid of--ending up in some medical journal.

WEST
You don’t have to worry about that, Bob.

LIGHTNER
Wonderful. So now that we have all our little “legal eagle” documents in place, would you please tell me exactly what the problem is?

(Coburn looks at Lightner, then at West.)

WEST
Would you like me to tell him, Bob?

LIGHTNER
I think it’s better if the patient--if Mr. Coburn tells me in his own words. In fact, Dave, I’d appreciate it if you let me examine him by myself.

COBURN
I’d like Dr. West to stay.

LIGHTNER
You’d like-- Alright. What the hell. It’s my office, I’m the specialist, but what the hell, what do I know. Stay, Dave, stay. (to Coburn) Now tell me all about it.

WEST
Maybe it would be better if you just showed him, Bob.

LIGHTNER
Fine. Anything, let’s just cut to the chase, shall we, gentlemen?
(He pulls out a rubber glove and begins to squeak it on.)

WEST
I don’t think you’ll be needing that, Steve.

LIGHTNER
(glares at West a moment, then to Coburn)
Please turn around and drop your trousers for me, Mr. Coburn.

(Coburn does so.)

LIGHTNER
Now the underwear, please.

(Lightner goes to examine Coburn. West stands behind him looking over his shoulder.)

LIGHTNER
Okay, then. Now we’ll just have a look—
(he prods around a moment—then he’s puzzled. Keeps looking. Spreads Coburn’s cheeks. Then, to himself:)
What the—
(Looks under Coburn’s balls.)
Where—

(He keeps prodding. Then he rises, goes to his desk and takes out a pencil flashlight, rushes back to Coburn. Examines his ass with pencil flashlight.)

LIGHTNER
Where the-- Where is it?

Coburn
Can I pull my pants back up now?

LIGHTNER
No, you can’t pull your pants back up.
(to West)
Where the hell is this man’s anus?

WEST
We were kind of hoping you could tell us, Dave.

LIGHTNER
But—
(examines Coburn again)

COBURN
Ow!

LIGHTNER
He’s all crack, there’s no anus. It’s just a… a blank…

WEST
Yeah.

LIGHTNER
But how— was he born like this?

COBURN
No, I wasn’t born like this!

WEST
Okay, take it easy, Bob, let him examine you thoroughly.
(to Lightner)
Ever seen anything like it?

LIGHTNER
Sometimes an infant is born without an anus, it’s called an imperforate anus, but he’s, he’s an adult. He couldn’t possibly-- How could he-- There’s no indicia that there was ever any-- Is there any kind of hole in the front, or—

(Lightner starts to spin Coburn around, but Coburn resists.)

COBURN
No, there’s no hole in the front, there’s nothing in the front but my dick, it’s got my, my urethra. I’m pulling up my pants now.
(He does so.)

WEST
It’s amazing, isn’t it?

LIGHTNER
How—how does he eliminate solid waste?

WEST
That’s why I insisted he come down here to see you. That’s why I said it was life-threatening.

LIGHTNER
It is! He could die!
(goes to phone)
This guy needs a complete examination, he needs scans, we’ve got to find out what—

WEST
Wait a minute, just a minute. Before we go charging off to do the tests, hear him out. Bob, you’re not in any pain right now, are you?

COBURN
No…

WEST
Steve, Bob called me this morning and told me he had to see me right away. So I had him come down to my office and he explained that his--his anus had disappeared just this morning.

LIGHTNER
Disappeared?

WEST
Yes—

COBURN
I thought I might be--I thought I might be hallucinating.

WEST
So did I, at first. I thought it might be some side effect of the anti-depressants Bob’s been taking. But he insisted that I check it out, and I did, and… well…

LIGHTNER
You mean you had an anus before this morning?

COBURN
I’ve always had an asshole! Always. And it’s never given me a lick of trouble. And then this morning, I woke up—I went to… to move my bowels. And I knew something was wrong. I felt around down there, and it didn’t feel right. So I took a look at it in the shaving mirror, and there was… there was nothing.

LIGHTNER
That’s not possible. It couldn’t have completely disappeared and sealed up overnight. You must have had some discomfort, some warning--

COBURN
It was there where it always was, last night. I wiped it, I felt it when I wiped myself after I… Jesus.

WEST
Alright, Bob. You’re upset, you’re entitled to be upset.

LIGHTNER
Never in my life—

WEST
Please, Dave. What’s our next move?

LIGHTNER
Our next move?

WEST
Yeah. I told him not to eat or drink anything until we’d seen you. What do we do now?

LIGHTNER
Well, we’ve got to--
(thinks)

WEST
Surgery of some kind?

LIGHTNER
Well-- yeah, I guess so. Hell, I don’t know. I’m not going to start calling the shots on this myself, this is too—We’re going to have to do consultations, I’ll get Rubenstein over here from the University Med School—
(picks up the phone again, then puts it down)
Let me take a look at that again—

COBURN
No, no! Look-- I don’t want anybody else involved--

LIGHTNER
Mr. Coburn, this is very serious--

COBURN
I know it’s serious. I know it’s life threatening. But I, I’m still dealing with this, for Christ’s sake, I just found out about this, this morning! A piece of me just disappeared, it’s not even like it dropped off and I found it on the bathroom floor or something, it’s just disappeared like it was never there! What happens next? Does my dick disappear tomorrow morning? Or my tongue, or my brain?

WEST
Okay now, Bob—

COBURN
I don’t want anyone else to know about this. I’m engaged to be married, I don’t want to be in the freak section on the five o’clock news. I’m in venture capital, I find start up money for new companies, I’m good at it! Jesus, I don’t even want my prospects to know I’m on anti-depressants! I don’t want to become the office joke around town-- “Hey, Bob, you want me to give you fifty thousand dollars for a new telecom and you can’t even keep track of your own asshole?”

LIGHTNER
I appreciate that, Mr. Coburn. It’s a terrible, embarrassing predicament you’re in. I can’t offer you any explanations for what happened to you, I’m a doctor, I’m not-- God. I can hardly believe it myself, that I just saw a grown man without an anus, right here in this office. But I can tell you this-- you’ve got to do something, and right away. Every minute you delay is exposing you to serious illness. Now come on, let me take another look down there--

COBURN
Oh, my God.

WEST
Let him take another look, Bob. Go on.

(Coburn turns and drops his trousers. Lightner bends over to examine him.)

LIGHTNER
Dave, why don’t you call Rubinstein over at the U. Tell him I said it was an emergency.

(West goes to the phone.)

COBURN
I don’t want anyone else involved!

LIGHTNER
It’s okay, it’ll be fine, we’re not going to tell him your name, not unless you okay it, Mr. Coburn. I’ll just describe your situation in the most general terms, and we’ll see what he recommends.

(West dials. While he and Coburn are occupied, Lightner snatches up the confidentiality form and puts them inside his lab coat.)

LIGHTNER
Okay, let’s take another look-- Incredible. Smooth as silk. No scarring, nothing.

WEST
Hello. Yes, Dr. Rubinstein, please.

LIGHTNER
Not a trace. Nada. Zip.

WEST
Well, page him and have him call Dr. Lightner as soon as possible. It’s an emergency. Yes.
(hangs up.)

LIGHTNER
Mm-mm-mm. Tch-tch. It’s kind of pretty, in a way.

COBURN
Can I pull up my pants now?

LIGHTNER
Hmm? Oh, yes. Yes, of course. Mr. Coburn, I’m sending you downstairs for some scans-- don’t worry, I’ll be do the scans myself.

WEST
Just wait outside a moment, Bob, we’ll be right there.

(Coburn nods and leaves. A moment, and then Lightner turns to West.)

LIGHTNER
What?

WEST
Give me that confidentiality statement back, Steve.

LIGHTNER
What?

WEST
(closing in on him)
Give it to me, Steve, I’m not kidding.



LIGHTNER
(running around the desk)
What are you talking about?

WEST
I’m not ending up on the receiving end of a lawsuit because you want to get published, now come on, Steve—

LIGHTNER
Science, goddammit, it’s science, you can’t—

(They wrestle for the papers for about a minute, it’s quite a match, cursing and grunting. Then the lights go down.)

END OF SCENE ONE

(All material copyright Cole Dixon LLC 2005)

Well, I hope that piqued your interest. The play is called "The Sphincter." In the scenes that follow, the hero's escaped asshole obtains the Republican nomination and is elected President of the United States.

Stay tuned for more information about this thrilling new PrenderProduction.