Theater: Announcing the World Premiere of "THE SPHINCTER"

Okay, time to plug away again. Less than a week from today (Friday) the world premiere of my latest play, “THE SPHINCTER”, will take an unsuspecting world by storm. This could quite possibly lead to the downfall and resignation of the present administration, so arrange your financial affairs accordingly next week, prior to the show’s opening.

Some of the regular readers of this column (“Prenderfans,” as they prefer to be known) were lucky enough to attend a live reading of “THE SPHINCTER” held last Pearl Harbor Day and as a result enjoyed an evening of laughter and enchantment that they will never forget. But even those magic hours of entertainment will pale when compared to the new live-on-stage, all-talking, all-memorized production that begins here in New Orleans next Friday. It’s going to have lights and costumes and sets and stuffed raccoons with fins stuck in their backs attacking the hero, and a babe in a string bikini (RAWF! RAWF! RRRRROWF!) with a machine gun and a psychiatrist in drag and everything. No one will be admitted during the terrifying “lawyer having oral sex with himself” scene!

I urge you, you reading this, to drop what you’re doing, sell whatever pitiful belongings you have and pay any price necessary to get on a plane and get down here as fast as you can so you can buy tickets and attend this play. Don’t worry about finding a place to stay in New Orleans; there’s still plenty of room at the emergency tent shelters left over from Katrina--most of the locals have already moved into their emergency trailers--so you can rest assured there’s a cot and a blanket down here with your name on it! And the food down here in N’Awlins—MMM-MMM! Even at this very moment, there’s a small army of middle-aged church ladies and idealistic young hippies with rings through their ears or noses, standing behind portable cafeteria tables with ladles in their hands, waiting to dish you out the biggest gob of mac and cheese you ever done saw in your life—ABSOLUTELY FREE, at the crisis center soup kitchen of your choice! And safe drinking water, too! As much as your poor bladders can hold!

So bring your loved ones, if you care about them as much as you say you do! Bring everyone, bring illegal immigrants, bring me your tired, your poor, your tired and unwashed masses yearning to breathe free. And bring $21.50 a piece for a ticket, too, or you’re not getting in no matter how tired and unwashed you are. Sorry to any poor people out there, but there are no “freebies” for this show; no comps, no sliding scale affordability tickets, nothing like that. We spent real money on this show and we want real money back; I paid six hundred bucks for advertising and still they misspelled my name as “Pendergrass,” so if you’re looking for a handout from me, you can just keep on looking. Keep moving, move along now, there are paying customers waiting right behind you, thank you—yes, you, sir, you with the toupee, you’d like two tickets, for you and your lovely wife? Well, whatever she is, that will be $43.00 for two tickets, thank you, move along now, yes…you, the hunchbacked old woman, how many? No, ma’am, I’m sorry, no senior citizens discount for this show, why don’t you just go down the street and sign up for the President’s new prescription drug plan, then, that’s right dear, move along, step lively now, your walker’s blocking the ticket window. Hop to it, hop, hop! Yes, you, sir, the young man with the Rolex watch, yes sir, we do accept all major credit cards, YES SIR, THANK YOU, SIR!--

That’s “THE SPHINCTER”, at Le Petit Theatre here in New Orleans, next weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, April 21, 22 and 23rd. For reservations, call 522-2081.