Stillwater: Prendergast to apply for vacant spot on School Board

Well, it’s startin’ to get cold again, and I’ve wasted too much time on this “Stop Bachmann” stuff, and she’s very likely to win anyway. (I think the Dems have underestimated—once again—the evangelical media factor, and their ground forces in the churches and on the streets: they do the turnout in the last three days of the election.)

So I gots to start thinkin’ about my future, a job of some kind. Let’s see if there’s anything in this week’s Courier, do they even have a “Help Wanted” section? Wait! What’s this?

“SCHOOL BOARD ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FOR VACANT SEAT”

Shit-fire! My fortune’s made! Every right wing nut in Stillwater says the school board members are getting rich off kickbacks from Apple for putting through that student lap-top loan program—if I can get me a piece of that action—DAMN! I can get the Bill-mobile out from under the blue tarp and down off the cinderblocks and back on the street again, where it belongs!

How tough are the questions on the application? (They can’t be too tough, look who’s serving on the Board now.) Let’s see:

--“Identify, describe and address the district’s three most important issues.”

No problem. The most important issue facing the district was that sex offender bugger that tried to sneak in disguised as a student at Stillwater High School about a year back. He told the kids that he was a deposed British aristocrat, Prince Caspian or something like that. The high school newspaper broke the story. He was like the villain at the end of an episode of Scooby Doo: “I would have got away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for you darn kids—“

I’ll come up with two other bullshit issues later. Let’s see what the next question is:

--“To suggest ways of improving the overall achievement of students while remaining within the financial limits set by the community.”

Another easy one. They’ve already got a student lap top loan program in place—I’d supplement that with a “student X-Box/Game Cube/PlayStation” loan program. Why? Because it would give every goddamn anti-levy, no-new-taxes conservative in the district an effin’ heart attack, that’s why—and after they’re dead, we could get back to serious business of running a quality school system again.

Can you imagine that? They get their copies of the Gazette and the Courier and read the headlines: “SCHOOL BOARD VOTES TO FUND STUDENT X-BOX/GAME CUBE/PLAYSTATION LOAN PROGRAM WITH YOUR LEVY DOLLARS.” They’d drop dead on the spot after reading that, they’d have a stroke and their spouses would find them out there on the porch, the paper scrunched up in their hands, their tongues lolling out of their mouths, a big urine stain on the front of their pants, and their eyes popped out of their heads like two hard boiled eggs. It would be worth the money, just to see the pictures.

Ah, the hell with the application. I’ll just go down to the School Board for the live interview and do it like Quint did it in “Jaws”:

(While the remaining board members are still chatting about the last applicant, I rake my nails across the blackboard to get their attention. They go silent, staring at me. I clear my throat and spit on the floor. Then, I look up from under my cap, squinting at them:)

Bill: Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this Prince Caspian bugger who’s goin’ into yer schools posin’ as British aristocracy to git after yer kids. But it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down to the pond and chasing bluegills and tommycocks. This punk, swallow you whole. No shakin', no tenderizin', down you go. But it's not gonna be pleasant, chief. I'll find him for three thousand, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. I don't want no mates, there's too many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.

Then I just get up and swagger out. They’ve got to give me the job if I do that, right?