White House: Two Piece Jigsaw Puzzle Stumps Bush

By William Prendergast

This just in:

Bush promises to restore party potency in two years

By Joseph Curl
THE WASHINGTON TIMES
March 16, 2007

President Bush, standing in front of a banner that read "Rebuilding Our Republican Majority" and flanked by two giant puzzle pieces, last night pledged to House Republicans that the GOP will retake both congressional chambers and "hold the White House in 2008."

…More than 1,200 people attended the annual Washington Hilton dinner, which raised more $6.2 million for congressional candidates. The president was greeted by a lengthy and hearty applause, a far cry from what he got in South America and Mexico.

...The stage featured two giant white puzzle pieces at both ends, which one lawmaker who asked not to be named said signify exactly what the party must struggle with for the next two years. "We put those pieces together and we're golden," said the House member.

(Scene: The White House. The Oval Office. Time: Very late in the evening, following the National Republican Congressional Committee dinner.)

Bush: Got to be a way… There’s just got to be a way…
Aide: (entering) Mr. President.
Bush: Shhh! Shh! I almost had it there, I almost glimpsed it in my mental eyeball, when you interrupted me. You’re the interrupter!
Aide: Mr. President, I strongly suggest that you turn in for the evening now. You’ve got a very busy appointment schedule tomorrow—
Bush: Can’t! Can’t give up now. I’m not the giver-upper. I’m the stayer-inner. There’s only two pieces to this puzzle. It just can’t be that hard, it just can’t. That’s the problem. It’s TOO easy, deceptionally easy.

(He paces back and forth, studying the two huge white jigsaw puzzle pieces that he ordered brought back to the White House from the NRCC dinner.)

Aide: Really, Mr. President, I think this can wait.
Bush: It CAN’T wait, that’s the whole problem, amigo! That Congressman at the Republican dinner said that if we can put these two pieces together, we’re golden! The Republican Party will get control of Congress again, and I’ll be back in charge of Washington! D.C., not the state.
Aide: Mr. President—
Bush: Got to be a way. Got…to…be…a…way. The problem is, yeah, sure there’s only two pieces, but both of the pieces are white! If it’s all white, you can’t match up a piece of sky with a piece of sky, or part of a hot-air balloon with another part of a hot air balloon.
Aide: Sir, if I may say so—
Bush: And they're so...DAMNED--BIG! Sure, it’s only two pieces, but look at the size of them! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF 'EM!
Aide: Okay, take it easy, Mr. President--
Bush: It took six Secret Service men to get these things from the Washington Hilton back here to the Oval Office, and then they had to take a wall out to get them in here, they were sweatin’ like hogs. I’ve got to solve this thing, tonight! Alberto Gonzalez’ job is riding on this.
Aide: Mr. President, have you considered the possibility that the Congressman was speaking metaphorically?
Bush: Met a who?
Aide: Have you considered the possibility that the Congressman who suggested putting these two puzzle pieces together did not mean that doing so would literally restore control of Congress to the GOP? That he was speaking symbolically, that these two huge puzzle pieces are merely symbolic.
Bush: Son…my favorite philosopher is Jesus Christ, not some metaformical, liberal arts, cymbal-playing egghead. So don’t try that philosophy jazz on me, I didn’t buy it at school and I ain’t buyin’ it here. Look at this—(he raps on one of the puzzle pieces) That ain’t no symbol, son, that’s real. I didn’t make the rules, but if solving this two piece puzzle is the only way we can retake Congress, then that’s what I’m going to do, if it takes all night. You wanna help, you take your coat off and help me try to fit this two things together. I don’t care if we gotta try every combination in the Karma Souter to get these things to fit, but I’m gonna do it. Tonight. I’m determined. I’m the determined-ator. And if you’ll help me, son--I’ll get you a position as a U.S. Attorney.

(Aide looks at him, then takes his coat off. They begin to shove the big puzzle pieces toward each other. This goes on all night, until the dawn’s early light, and a lot of nice furniture gets broken, and a hammer and a Sawz-All are involved, but in the end the aide is made US Attorney in New Mexico. Bush looks at the completed puzzle, proud, wiping sweat from his brow.)

Bush: There. Now we can take back Congress. But I’ll tell you--I don’t know who thought this system up, but this is a hell of a way to run the United States government.