Friday, June 01, 2007

Security Alert: Baghdad Embassy Plans Turn Up Online


Baghdad embassy plans turn up online

By MATTHEW LEE, Associated Press Writer
1 hour, 26 minutes ago

WASHINGTON - Detailed plans for the new U.S. Embassy under construction in Baghdad appeared online Thursday in a breach of the tight security surrounding the sensitive project.

Computer-generated projections of the soon-to-be completed, heavily fortified compound were posted on the Web site of the Kansas City, Mo.-based architectural firm that was contracted to design the massive facility in the Iraqi capital.

(Scene: Karl Rove’s brainstorming conference room, in the basement of the White House.)

Rove: Okay, Iraq. What can we play up this week that’s positive?
Flunky: Well, only five of our guys were killed on Memorial Day, that’s not that bad—
Rove: Oh yeah, great idea, we’ll send Tony Snow out there to tell the press that “only five of our guys got killed on Memorial Day and that’s not that bad”—come on, you knuckleheads, think! We’re surging like bejesus here and they’re still dying like flies, we got the Memorial Day casualty figures to deal with, we’re even losing American Legionnaires this week... And then the Chimp announces that it’s like South Korea, we’re gonna be there for the next fifty years… (stops, clutches at his ulcer for a moment, recovers) For Christ sake, we don’t want “it’s not so bad”, we want “there’s been significant progress.” Look alive, you punks! Look alive! C’mon, spitball me something positive here! Positive!
(silence, then)
Rove: Okay, then, I guess we’ll have to move on to the next topic: how many of you are below the cut-off limit for volunteering in our combat forces?
Flunky: (waving his hand frantically) I have a positive Iraq spin idea, Mr. Rove!
Rove: (to stenographer) I thought that would work… (to Flunky) Okay, sonny, hit me with it. Knock me out, or start boning up on your Arabic.
Flunky: It’s our new Baghdad embassy, sir. It’s in the pipeline.
Rove: Hmmm… Keep talking… (drops two alka seltzer in a glass of water)
Flunky: We could play that up this week, sir, the new embassy… It’s a sign of post-surge progress that we’re committing to build an embassy…
Another Flunky: That’s right, Mr. Rove, we’re building an embassy, that’s a sign of long term commitment—
Rove: Shut up. I’m thinking. Hmm. It’s not going to be underground, is it? We can’t pitch an underground embassy on TV, it looks bad…
Flunky: No sir! It’s going to be ENTIRELY ABOVE GROUND. It’ll have an American flag and everything—
Rove: American flag over Baghdad… That could be something. C’mon give me some more images (snaps fingers) more images come on, “New American embassy in Baghdad” is a phrase, what we need is a “story”, with images, pictures, for TV, for Fox.
C’mon, images, quick, hit me with ‘em—
Flunky: Well, it isn’t actually built yet—
Rove: That’s not an image, my little could-end-up-as-a-combat volunteer, I asked for images—
Flunky: Okay, um—picture a compound, a large compound, green, with parks, a sort of a city within the city—
Rove: That’s good, keep going—(to stenographer) Are you getting this? (to Flunky) Keep going—
Flunky: Okay, uh--palm-lined paths, green grass gardens and volleyball and basketball courts outside the Marine post--a swimming pool--
Rove: Good! Good!
Flunky:--restaurants, shopping mall--
Rove: You hear that, the rest of you? Restaurants, a new shopping mall. in Baghdad! THOSE are images! Shows confidence, we’re practically building a Hilton resort out there, the message is: we have faith in the future of Baghdad—this boy’s thinking; why can’t the rest of you think? Go on, son—
Flunky: Of course the security’s going to be heavy around the embassy compound, sir, we’ll be doing very heavy security there. Recessed setbacks and perimeter no-go areas all the structures reinforced to 2.5 times the standard and five high-security entrances, plus an emergency entrance-exit—
Rove: Never mind that shit, we’ll symbolize it with men in uniform and the American flag, waving in slow motion in the breeze. Now—sources for this?
Flunky: Oh, sources are no problem, Mr. Rove, it’s rock solid information. (holds up folder) I printed all this out from the website—
Rove: Website?
Flunky: Yeah! I got it off the website, we posted the plans on the Internet—
Flunky: Well, yeah…
Rove: The security stuff, too? We posted all our security stuff on the INTERNET?
Flunky: Well you said you wanted images, Mr. Rove, they have images up on the Web—
Rove: Well that’s great! That will save us the trouble of having to fax the fucking plans straight to Al-Qaeda! JESUS—
Flunky: But—
Rove: You get on the phone right now and get those plans taken off the web, and I don’t mean NOW, I mean YESTERDAY! (clutches his ulcer again) Jesus Christ, *I* might end up voting for Hillary next year! (swats the flunky on the back of the head with a clipboard as Flunky dials his cell.) Listen, you moron--if the press gets a hold of that, I’ve got an image for you—it’s you, and every other idiot in this room, carrying M-16s and going on house-to-house patrol in Sadr City! “Karl Rove’s public relations ‘brain trust’ sent to patrol Baghdad’, how do you like THAT headline! (staggers) Oh, my heart! The ticker! This is the big one--



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