Saturday, November 19, 2005

International: What Bush Needs To Do In Iraq

OSAN AIR BASE, South Korea - "We will fight the terrorists in Iraq. We will stay in the fight until we have achieved the victory that our brave troops have fought for," President Bush told thousands of American troops spilling out of a cold hangar at this U.S. military installation 40 miles south of Seoul.

Bush spoke at the end of a three-day stay in South Korea—

You see now—there’s the whole problem, right there. He made that statement from South Korea. In a day or two he’ll make a similar statement from China. Location, location, location, is the problem—if he wants to regain his lost credibility, the President’s got to start talking tough from Iraq.

That’s what will convince people that he’s serious. He’s got to go over there and show everybody that all the progress he and the rest of the Bush administration are citing is real; not just empty spin.

Dozens of people killed by car bombs? That’s just the biased media again, reporting the bad stuff and leaving out the good. If the President himself goes over there and brings back the pictures, the video, of the President himself showing the kind of spirit he demands from the troops--then, and only then, will the American people and the people of the world get behind him again and support the mission.

What we need is footage of Bush walking the streets of Baghdad, no secret service protection, no armed guards, whistling a country-western song as he makes his way through the sunny streets (it’s too nice a day to take a cab.) He’s just picked up his laundry, he’s enjoying the smell of fresh-pressed shirts. See? Nothing to fear, out here on the streets of liberated Baghdad, no probs—it’s all anti-American hype. Happy, colorfully dressed locals wave at him as he goes by (“Salaam, Mr. President!” “How you doin’ there, buddy? Ke-babs look good today.” “Thank you, sir!”)

No more “tough talk” from three thousand miles away; don’t TELL them, George, SHOW them! A crowd of disgruntled types on a street corner, burning the new constitution? “Hey, you punks! Put that out or I’ll kick your ass!” And if they don’t, Bush does—and on camera, too. He drops his laundry and kicks their disrespectful asses, on T.V. That’ll teach ‘em! And the rest of the world, too. As the President says, it’s just a matter of determination.

A radical cleric is making a rabble-rousing anti-American speech on a street corner; Bush walks up to him and tugs his beard a few times to get his attention (this is sure to get a big laugh from the crowd.) Then he gives the old crank the wedgie of his life, shoves him off his soapbox, turns to the crowd and says “Okay, folks, show’s over. Nothing to see here. Just an old kook tryin’ to stir up trouble.” And the crowd disperses, grinning to themselves—“The U.S. President is right, of course. What fools we are to even give these anti-American types the time of day.”

And car bombs? What car bombs? We see Bush getting into cars at random on streets, taking keys from timid owners, volunteering his valuable time to valet-park them. “That’s a nice little Mini-Cooper you got there, buddy. No, no tips, it’s in the service of freedom.” Now come on, if that doesn’t convince you that we’re making progress, nothing will.

And here’s the President again, passing out firearms to an appreciative crowd of students. “The relationship between the USA and Iraq is based on trust,” he says, handing a loaded M-16 to an eager young Iraqi. “And if history teaches us one thing, it’s that gun ownership is essential to preserving a nation’s freedom. Here you go, son.” He smiles at the camera and says, “You folks at home think I’d be standing here handing out guns and ammo if I wasn’t perfectly confident in the faith of this newly liberated people?”

Then he turns back to the crowd and says, “And speaking of faith, why don’t you kids give up this false religion of yours and become Christians?”

And, moved by the President’s obvious courage and determination, many do! The President passes out a few leaflets pointing out the flaws in Islam and the truths of Christianity. It doesn’t take more than a cursory glance at the facts to convert a good number of them right there on the spot! “Oh, I’m so relieved that we can finally put this whole Sunni-Shi’ite thing behind us at last. Thank you, Mr. President!”

“Now if anyone here wants to take a shot at me, go right ahead,” says the President, seriously. “There’s nothin’ stopping you. Look, I’ll even turn my back. I’m wearin’ a big bull’s-eye sweater, too.” The crowd protests and cries: “No! No! Never!”

Bush smiles. “That’s what I thought. All the so-called “hatred and resentment” is just media hype, isn’t it?” “Yes! Yes! We love you, Mr. President!”

They raise their new submachine guns and cheer: “Bush! Bush! Bush! Take all our oil, you will know best what to do with it!”

You see where I’m going with this? We need more news footage like that, and less stuff about things blowing up and people getting killed. Cut the China trip short, Mr. President, and then take a walk through the streets of Baghdad so you can show the world how the people there really feel about you and the mission.

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    At 4:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    This is the best advice Dubya's had in years.


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