International/National: It's HAMMER Time in Iraq!
Every so often I get one of these “inspirations” that I offer to the White House or the State Department or the Pentagon as a new policy initiative. I must have proposed about a hundred different policy initiatives over the past three years, and do you think the Bush people have ever implemented even one? Well, you guessed wrong. They don’t even bother to answer me anymore (I’ve tried everything: signing phony names so they won’t know its me writing in again, sending them a doctored photo of me having a beer with Rice and Rumsfeld, telling them there’s an ancient curse on officials who won’t implement this policy--nothing seems to work.)
Well, now I’m on the Internet! I’ve got credibility! Ah-haaa! So they’ll have to listen to me when I propose--THIS:
Put Tom DeLay in charge of democratizing Iraq.
Isn’t that beautiful? DeLay’s facing criminal charges, right? He’s an embarrassment to the GOP, right? Yesterday he’s telling a bunch of soldiers about how we can’t just “cut and run” in Iraq, right? Fine. Send HIM to Iraq. Send DeLay to Iraq. Don’t even ask him to go, just have the President announce that he’s appointing DeLay and sending him to Iraq. (Be sure to have a camera standing by DeLay when the surprise announcement is made; another “classic” photo of Tom DeLay is sure to result. His smile at that moment is sure to be even wider than in his arrest photo.)
The Americans get to write whatever they want into the Iraqi Constitution so long as the Army's there, so they can write in that "Anyone named "Tom DeLay" cannot be extradited." They can insert this amendment in between the provisions for "freedom of speech" and "freedom of religion." That way, even if DeLay's trial in the US goes badly, he can avoid prison and live like a king in newly democratized Iraq! Ha!
Not only that: DeLay himself will democratize Iraq--because the President will make him Iraqi elections supervisor. Elections supervisor in the country that DeLay claims is “the central front on the war on terror.” Wow! That’ll sway the jury back home!
And DeLay is a perfect fit for a job. Here in the US he’s charged with illegally funneling corporate donations to his puppet political candidates. Well, it just so happens that that’s exactly what we need someone to do in Iraq!
True, DeLay denies the charges against him; but no one really believes him. Everyone on both sides of the aisle thinks he’s a lying, treacherous little creep. But what if he's sent to Iraq and starts laundering money to Iraqi politicians instead of Texas politicians? That would prove to the jury that he could have done something like that if he wanted to--but chose not to, until his country called. DeLay’s soundbytes would be something like: “You see? You see how easy it is to buy and sell politicians with illegal corporate donations? I bought politicians here in Iraq to implement American style democracy. I could have done that in Texas. But it didn’t ‘fit.’ And if it doesn’t fit, you must acquit!” (Holds up a tiny golf glove.)
And then DeLay is acquitted, returns to the GOP leadership a free man, and Iraq gets a government that is every bit as democratic and representative as Texas. Everybody in Iraq gets a gun, a six-pack, and a corporate prostitute representing them in Congress.
You see how beautiful that is? How simple? You see what the Bush administration is missing by ignoring me? They got a problem? I got a solution. Issue? Answered. Lemons? Lemonade. Sow’s ear? Silk purse. Bullshit? That’s what I spin into gold, my friends. I can not only put lipstick on that pig, I can give that pig lip implants, a new dress, and a makeover so complete that by the time I’m done you’ll think that pig is Angelina Jolie. I’ve already done it myself, with a pig of my own. (See the photo below.) The government’s crazy not to hire me as a consultant. Come on, Angelina, let’s go get some slops. (Sound FX: “Oink, oink. Snort.”)