International: Al Jazeera Protests Bush Plan To Bomb Their Network
Boy, look at that “big protest-march, media-event” Al-Jazeera’s putting on in London. “We Demand Bigger Signs”, is more like it. You have to stand less than three feet away from this guy to read what his sign says. I thought those Al-Jazeera guys had oil money. If they worked for Ted Turner they’d have bigger signs, I bet.
Actually it did kind of bug me when it was revealed that Bush had planned to bomb Al-Jazeera. I’m glad Tony Blair talked him out of it; since I got fired they’re the only company that gave me a second interview.
But the idea that you can bomb unfriendly news coverage out of existence: I mean, that’s just silly, isn’t it? He bombs Al-Jazeera, kills a bunch of journalists, executives and technicians—the next week they’ll start setting up ten new broadcast centers in ten other Arab countries that are also allies of the United States, and they’ll call it the Al-Jazeera News Martyr Memorial Network. You can’t just bomb bad press out of existence, you morons. If you want to control the way a TV network covers an issue, do what everyone else does--become a major advertiser, buy a lot of air time. Then they’ll bend over backwards for you, they’ll turn cartwheels for you.
But maybe destroying Al-Jazeera wasn’t the point. Maybe Bush just wanted to intimidate other news broadcasters. Who knows how that guy’s mind works, he’s nuts or something. Did he think that CNN and CBS and ABC would all get scared feces-less and start running pro-administration pieces? “Hey, nice story you guys did on me last night. And say, this sure is a lovely television studio you have here… it’d be a shame if anything HAPPENED TO IT… Yessir, a doggone shame…See, I got this little button here on my cell phone, this little red button that connects straight to Strategic Air Command…Orders an air strike anywhere in the world, all I gotta do is just tweak this little ole button right here… Only trouble is, sometimes my finger gets kind of twitchy…specially when I’m listenin’ to the news. Yeah, it gets a mite twitchy, and once in a blue moon I hit the wrong button… The RED button… Don’t fret now, it only happened once before, little place called… AL-JAZEERA!”
And now they’re trying to spin it with the old “he was just kiddin’” story. Oh, yeah, sure, Bush was just kidding. That’s why the British government told the media they’re breaking the law if they publish the details of the leaked document that shows that Bush wanted to bomb Al Jazeera.
Sure, Bush was just joking; that’s why Blair’s government is threatening the newspapers and television with prosecution under the Official Secrets Act. They don’t want the media repeating Bush’s “jokes,” stealing all his “big laughs.” The document in question is probably chock-full of hilarious hi-jinx and howlers just like that! And you don’t want to lose the rest of a sure-fire, thigh-slapper laff-riot routine like that (“Let’s bomb Al-Jazeera, Tony!” “BWAH-HAW-HAW-HAW! Jolly good!”)
It’s the same with me, I must put in twenty calls a day to the Secret Service and FBI and MI5, threatening media outlets with criminal prosecution—I have to, to protect my funniest material. That’s really the only way to go; otherwise you end up seeing your best stuff on Letterman or the Daily Show.
“Hooo, show business,” as Rodney Dangerfield used to say.