Media: How Would Local St. Croix Valley Papers Have Covered the Cheney Shooting Story?

Okay, one more piece about the Cheney shooting, and then I’ll stop beating it to death. And you won’t mind this piece so much if you’re a Republican, because this one isn’t even really aimed at Cheney. (“Aimed at Cheney”—that’s kind of cute, heh heh.)

Instead, the target is our local press in Minnesota. In light of how the local papers are treating this Junker story, how would they have covered Dick Cheney’s shooting of Harry Whittington—if left to their own devices?

I think it would go…something like this…

To: Schmillwater Schmazette
From: William Prendergast
Re: Breaking News: Dick Cheney Shot Somebody!

No kidding, he did! Really! Cheney was on a quail hunting trip down in Texas and he fired his shotgun and hit his old pal Harry Whittington in the face and chest! Cheney’s trying to cover up, delay releasing the details of the shooting! The old man’s in the hospital, he’s 78 years old and he may die!
You guys at the Schmazette can scoop the world with this if you run it in your paper! Call me immediately if you want details! Get the headline set up now!

Bill Prendergast

To: Schmillwater Schmazette
From: William Prendergast
Re: Dick Cheney Shooting Story

Hey, didn’t you guys get the email I sent you yesterday? Dick Cheney shot this old guy and put him in the hospital; I sent you the story in an email yesterday--didn’t you get it?

Bill Prendergast

To: Schmillwater Schmazette
From: William Prendergast
Re: Dick Cheney Shooting Story

What the f is going on with you guys? You won’t even write me back about this? I’m giving you a scoop for Jesus’ sake, why won’t you print it? What’s the matter, are you afraid you’ll piss off some local advertisers if you run that story? What the hell kind of chicken shit is going on? If you won’t print the news that Cheney shot somebody as a story, then okay, run the letter I sent you as a letter to the editor on the Opinion page, I’ll take responsibility for it myself.
But for God’s sake, get it into the paper somewhere, it’s news!


To: Schmillwater Schmourier
From: William Prendergast
Re: Breaking News: Cheney’s Victim Is Having A Heart Attack

Dear Schmillwater Schmourier:
This is a scoop—it’s entirely reliable and by this evening it will be on the internet and all the major news networks, so if I were you I’d get it out right now, asap, on your web page and in Wednesday’s paper.
I have reliable information that Harry Whittington, the guy that Dick Cheney shot on that quail hunting trip, is even at this moment suffering from a heart attack!
Write me back and I will give you all the info I’ve got. You will “beat” every paper and broadcast news outlet with this story. (Normally, I’d give the Schmazette first crack at this story, but, would you believe it, they never even acknowledged my emails. They wouldn’t even allow me to raise the issue in a letter to the editor! Unbelievable, eh?)
Sincerely,
Bill Prendergast

To: Schmillwater Schmourier
From: William Prendergast
Re: Cheney Shooting Victim Having A Heart Attack

Hello, is there anyone there? I sent a news story in a letter to the editor about a week ago, it was all about Vice President Cheney shooting a man—Then yesterday I also sent the same news to you in the form of a letter to the editor, so you guys wouldn’t have to take responsibility for running it if you were too scared to break the news. Why wouldn’t you print it? Is there anyone there who will talk to me about this?

To: Schmillwater Schmourier; Schmillwater Schmazette
From: William Prendergast
Re: Cheney Shooting Story

Okay, the hell with it. It’s been months. I’m going to the SchmiPress. They’ll print the story.

To: Schmioneer Press
From: William Prendergast
Re: Cheney Shoots Fellow Hunter; Victim Had A Heart Attack

Dear Schmioneer Press News Reporter:
For months now I have been trying to get the local papers here to run something about how the Vice President shot a guy. None of the local papers chose to “go out on a limb” and report the story—they won’t even let me raise the issue in a letter to the editor. In desperation I am turning to you. Fact-check the story, if you don’t believe me—and then print something about this, somewhere in your paper, please?
Please, I’m begging you—someone in the local press has to let the public know about this shocking news story.
Sincerely,
Bill Prendergast

To: William Prendergast
From: Schmioneer Press News Editor
Re: Your “news” story

Mr. Prendergast:
Quite some time ago you wrote to the Schmioneer Press with a request for assistance with an alleged “news story,” in which you claimed that the Vice President had shot someone. You suggested that the Schmioneer Press investigate this matter by inquiring with the persons concerned.
You sent your email request to the Schmioneer Press News Reporter; I am that employee’s editor and I am replying on her behalf so that she will not have to address you or speak with you directly.
We saw no reference to this so-called “news” of yours in any of the local broadcast media and have never seen any reference to it in any of the local press.
As you know, the Schmioneer Press encourages its readers to contact the paper with “news,” which we may or may not later choose to run in our paper as “news stories.”
But it is against the policy of the Schmioneer Press to discuss its news coverage plans (or lack of same) with people outside the newsroom.
I do not see how we or anyone anywhere can help you or anyone else any further in this matter.

Sincerely,
Schmioneer Press News Editor