National: This Just In--More Confidential White House Emails

I can't stop this from coming in. Here are two more in-house Bush administration emails about the Cheney-Whittington shooting that I got just now.

To: Chimpmeister
From: highroad@actiongroup.list
Re: ALL HANDS ON DECK-RED ALERT-THIS MEANS YOU

Chief--
Here is latest hourly update.
Immediate reaction to Veep's appearance on Fox News: we're still gathering data, but we think the first reaction will be sympathy for Dick. If I may say so, sir, it was brilliant of you to suggest that Dick "relive" the incident from HIS point of view, instead of the victim's. The Dick C quotes that the AP plucked out for this hour's story are all about 'the horror Dick must have felt at that moment.' Here is an example, pulled from the latest wire story:
CHENEY:"The image of him falling is something that I'll never be able to get out of my mind. I fired and there's Harry falling. And it was ... one of the worst days of my life at that moment." Of course, we all realize that it was not one of the best days in Mr. Whittington's life, either--but this approach, as you suggested, makes it a story about Dick and how HE is suffering, instead of a story about how the guy Dick shot is suffering. Brilliant, sir, if I may say so.
We got another break--reviewed the late-night comedians material on the incident (Letterman, the Daily Show, etc.) and it wasn't very funny. No big laughs, really weak jokes, pathetic, in fact. I don't think any of those particular jokes are going to have legs or lasting impact--none of it was funny enough for the audience to "repeat around the water cooler the next day" (like the Lewinsky stuff), but of course the jokes will get funnier when Letterman and Jon Stewart threaten to fire the writers, so it's too early to tell at this point.
FYI: I fired an intern this morning; hope this is okay with you. At this morning emergency media strategy meeting, he said maybe we should tell the media that Dick was "certain" that Whittington had weapons of mass destruction when he shot him. I think he meant it as a joke, but per your last message, this is no time for levity, eh, sir?
Finally, re: your inquiry--we have found out the name of the White House gardener who was working outside your office window this morning and playing that song over and over again on his portable CD boombox. Do you want him transferred to other duties? The name of the song that he was playing, by the way, is "Shot Through The Heart", I think it's by Bon Jovi, a musical group from New Jersey.

To: highroad@actiongroup.list
From: Chimpmeister
Re: Re: ALL HANDS ON DECK-RED ALERT-THIS MEANS YOU

Who gives a shit who recorded the f'ing song! I don't want that f'ing gardener transferred, I want him DEPORTED! We'll see how funny he thinks he is when he and his whole family are back on a one-way banana boat to Guatemala or Honduras or wherever the f he comes from! Get one of our guys at the INS on it right away.
Why do I even have to put up with this crap, why am I even having to deal with it? If you would just separate your lips from my butt for just two seconds and start doing your job, weasel boy, I could concentrate on doing what needs to be done! I don't have time to review every frigging intern you fire, next thing I know you'll be asking me to come down there and hold your little dick for you while you pee! Don't you realize I've got things to do? I've got to come up with a story that will knock this thing off the front pages and the top of the hour news! Christ, where is Hurricane Katrina when you really need her? And the Chimp's already asking me how come HE never got to shoot anybody--"Technically, I outrank Dick, you know..."
That's what I'm dealing with today, don't bother me anymore with your little piss-ant problems and your overtime ass-kissing! Weasel Boy!

To: Chimpmeister
From: highroad@actiongroup.list
Re: Re: Re: ALL HANDS ON DECK-RED ALERT-THIS MEANS YOU

Yes, sir.