Monday, May 29, 2006

Poll Results: Don't Give Dynamite to Monkeys

Well, it looks like we aren’t going to attack Iran this week.

About a month back, there was a big hub-bub about whether or not the President was going to try to distract folks from his domestic policy failures and the murderous malaise in Iraq by expanding the war into Iran.

Apparently he decided that this was not the solution to his problems in the polls--but who knows what any conservative will do next month? It’s like predicting what a chimpanzee will do if you give him a hammer and a bunch of dynamite sticks; there’s no way to tell. Only one thing is for sure—it’s a baaaad idea to give a chimpanzee a hammer and a bunch of dynamite sticks.

Still, our readers will express their opinions. A recent poll by the Stillwater Tribune indicated that eleven per cent of our readers thought we should attack Iran anyway because now the Bush administration has ensured that the crucial “element of surprise” is on our side.

Twenty-two per cent of those polled would not answer the question unless they were first told whether they personally would have to participate in the proposed war.

Another twenty-two per cent said it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks because Bush is going to do what Cheney and Rumsfeld tell him to do anyway.

An astonishing forty-four per cent of participants thought we should attack Norway instead of Iran. They believe that an attack on Norway would be just as effective as an attack on Iran in preventing future terrorism, and besides we know we can kick their Norwegian asses.

Remember to celebrate Memorial Day. We now have about 2,460 new reasons to commemorate it.

5 Comments:

At 2:00 AM, Anonymous Elliott said...

Personally, I think monkeys and dynamite hold some strategic promise. Way better than sending in Reservists.

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger Prendergast said...

dear elliot--Every analogy breaks down, if you stretch it far enough. My analogy about giving monkeys hammers and dynamite sticks was intended as analogous to giving conservatives political power here in the United States.
You, on the other hand, would "take the analogical ball and run with it"--suggesting that by sending monkeys and dynamite to Iraq, we might save the lives and limbs of our Reservists. The strategic merits of your plan--whatever they may be--would certainly be cancelled out by political considerations.
First: Domestic pressure groups of considerable influence, such as PETA and the ASPCA would never assent to (and would do everything in their power to prevent) sending monkeys into the combat conditions currently faced by the US armed forces in Iraq. It is true that there is no serious domestic oppostion to continued loss of life and limb among innocent Iraqi civilians and US military personnel; but I assure you that opposition to sending carloads of monkeys into the very same combat zone would loud, chronic, and insurmountable.
Second: The sight of armored cars full of monkeys hammering away at dynamite as they trundle along the bumpy, bomb-crated roads of Iraq would "send the wrong message" to the Iraqi people and would probably reduce their belief in American committment to promote liberty, peace and prosperity in that troubled land.
Finally, in your compassionate but misguided attempt to reduce US casualties, you forget that the lives and limbs of our Reservists mean little or nothing to the present administration and conservative Congress, whose main concern is refusing to admit that they made a mistake when they invaded Iraq. Withdrawal of US combat personnel and substitution of monkeys and dynamite would constitute an admission of failure on the part of the conservatives who continue to back the war.
We here at the Stillwater Tribune value your input, Elliot, but you've got to think these things through before you propose them as policy initiatives. Now please put away your dynamite and drive those monkeys back to the zoo before they stink up the house.

 
At 10:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That last sentence. Ouch. Good point.

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger Avidor said...

If a monkey's only tool was a hammer, would every problem look like a stick of dynamite?

 
At 10:22 PM, Anonymous DONJ said...

don't discount the intelligence of monkeys they taught one how to fly the space shuttle . just food for thought if they could transpose your brain with the monkey's don't you think it would be a nice bring for the monkey now only to have your sophomoric duties and responsibilities DONJ

 

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