Faith: Importance of Remembering That God Made The Lioness, Too

Lioness in zoo kills man who invoked God
Mon Jun 5, 8:31 AM ET

KIEV (Reuters) - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said on Monday.

"The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

The incident, Sunday evening when the zoo was packed with visitors, was the first of its kind at the attraction. Lions and tigers are kept in an "animal island" protected by thick concrete blocks.

How do you like that sentence there in the last paragraph? “The incident…was the first of its kind at the attraction.” Oh, really? It’s a good thing you told us that, Mr. Writer—I thought it was a sort of “regular bit” they did there at the Kiev Zoo on weekends, like the “All About Birds” show or “Our Friends, The Seals” spectacular. I thought they announced it over the loudspeakers every day: “Attention, ladies and gentlemen—be sure not to miss this week’s “Crazy Man Calls On God To Protect Him From The Lions” show, over by the bleachers in our Big Cat Island area. Shows at 1:30, 3:30 and 5:30 pm.”

But they don’t do that, apparently it was just a one-time thing. That’s good reporting; making sure the readers understand that, because you don’t want them to show up at the zoo next week and get all upset because they brought the kids and paid for little granny Babushka and everything and there’s no religious maniac ready to jump into the lion cage for them.

Anyway—what is the moral of the story? This writer’s opinion: God DOES exist. But he doesn’t like wise asses—and neither do lionesses with PMS, so don’t go screwing around with ropes and zoos and lions’ dens. I’m tellin’ you ‘cause I love ya, man.

You wanna lower yourself into something and call on God to save you, then you better lower yourself into the penguin cage, not the lion cage. You can outrun those penguins, get back up over the wall. That way, you and God both look good. You lower yourself into a lion cage and challenge God to save you, He may do it and He may not—either way, YOU look like an ass.

God made the sea and the earth and sky and the planets and the stars and all of that shit could be dangerous to you if you act like an asshole. So you stay out of that lion cage.

Stay away from the alligators, too. And you can forget about that tiger. Tiger don’t care if you got a personal relationship with Jesus, tiger don’t care how loud you pray. Don’t matter if you got the biggest, shiniest St. Christopher’s Medal in the world--tiger gonna eat you first and then spit that shit out.

Trust in the Lord, but don’t ever treat him like He’s the butler and He’s got to come and help you every time you ring a little bell.

Peace out.