Nation: DeLay Tells GOP To “Stand On Principle”

No, I am NOT kidding you; the headline to this article is a REAL headline, not a satirical one I made up.

It was DeLay’s farewell to the troops--his final address to the weekly meeting of House Republicans, so I don’t know how the issue of ‘principles’ even came up. DeLay, former House Majority leader and key sponsor of the GOP’s history-making “Contract With Jack Abramoff”, is facing trial in Texas on campaign money laundering charges.

Listening to a speech from Tom DeLay on the importance of “standing on principle” is like listening to a speech from Mike Dukakis about “how to run a great presidential campaign.”

But we don’t know what DeLay actually said. The meeting was held behind closed doors, as usual--no reporters allowed. We only have DeLay’s word for what went on during the meeting. Thus, we are forced to guess.

“Several rounds of applause and cheers could be heard from behind the closed doors,” says the news story. I think this signifies that the departing DeLay was finally sharing the secrets behind some of his legendary “money-laundering” tricks with his former colleagues.

Like a professional magician, a corrupt conservative must keep his methods secret in order to keep them effective when it comes to fooling the public. I suspect that DeLay was winning the applause of his GOP peers by telling them how to do his famous “pulling a lobbyist out of a hat” trick, or showing them the secrets behind his amazing “born-again Christian smoke and mirrors” routine.

“When (the doors of the meeting room) were opened to let a congresswoman in, members could be seen on their feet, cheering and applauding,” the story continues. The standing ovation could only mean one thing—DeLay was admitting a junior congresswoman to the room so she could serve as his “lovely assistant” during a demonstration of his spectacular finale: his “sawing a bribe in half” trick, a longtime favorite with his GOP underlings.

Before he disappearing in a cloud of sulfurous purple smoke and laser beams, DeLay cheered his former friends by telling them that he expected the GOP to keep the House after the November elections.

They gotta keep the House, man; they mortgaged it to the hilt!

(What does the picture up there mean, the picture of the guy about to eat the roast weenie? It doesn't mean anything! I just put it there to add visual interest. Watch for more great graphics like that in the future--I bought a clip art CD for only FIVE BUCKS!!!)