And, While Bush Considers Invading Iran...

Shattered after last year’s loss of Congress, Republicans around the country are desperately searching for an issue that will be a winner with the public and show that their priorities are the right ones. Look at this, from the Associated Press:

Lawmaker comes down on plastic gonads
Thu Feb 22, 9:04 PM ET

ANNAPOLIS, Md. - Fake bull testicles and other anatomically explicit vehicle decorations would be banned from Maryland roads under a bill pending in the state legislature.

The measure was filed in the General Assembly Monday by Delegate LeRoy E. Myers Jr., R-Washingon, who says children shouldn't be exposed to giant plastic gonads dangling from pickup truck trailer hitches. The bill also would ban depictions of naked human breasts, buttocks or genitals, with offenses punishable by fines of up to $500.

"It's time to take a stand," Myers told The (Hagerstown) Herald-Mail.

NO, IT IS NOT “time to take a stand” against big fake bull balls! If you want to take a stand, introduce a resolution calling for an end to the war in Iraq, or something! Is that what the people of your district sent you to the legislature for, to introduce a law banning giant plastic gonads dangling from pickup truck trailer hitches? My God…

Okay, full disclosure here: shortly after the “Tech Wreck” of 2000, I diversified my portfolio and dumped a lot of Silicon Valley stuff, tech sector and telecommunications stuff that had turned to junk before my very eyes. And yes, like millions of other Americans, I bought a “basket” of stocks in big plastic gonad industry, to minimize my exposure in event of another market downturn. So that’s what my portfolio is today: energy, biotech, nuclear weapons, big plastic gonads, and a little real estate.

Seven years later I’m just beginning to make back the money I lost on telecoms, and now this numbnut comes along and wants to regulate the big false testicles sector out of existence! Why can’t they leave me alone? When do I get a break?

The American Civil Liberties Union objected to Myers' bill.

"The legislation is overly broad, and would probably make it illegal to have a sticker on your car of the Venus de Milo from an art museum," ACLU of Maryland spokeswoman Meredith Curtis wrote in an e-mail.

Oh, great, now I have to scrape the Venus de Milo sticker off the jeep, too! AND the Caravaggio! Or I’ll get a ticket, like the ticket I’m going to get for the big plastic bull gonads on my trailer hitch.
“Good afternoon, officer.”
“Good afternoon, sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“No, officer. I was doing the speed limit—“
“License and registration, please.”
“It’s not about the big swing bull testicles I’ve got hanging on my trailer hitch, is it, because that was my wife’s idea—“
“IT WAS NOT!”
“Quiet, ma’am. Keep your hands on the wheel, sir—“
“Can you just let me off with a warning this time, officer? I’ve already dropped a bundle investing in the fake bull balls industry, that and the plastic boobs and buns thing, and—“
“Sorry, sir, I’ve already started to write the ticket.”

Pamela Campbell whose Bullhead City, Ariz., business sells fake bull testicles, suggested that the swinging decorations can prompt healthy discussions about anatomy and reproduction.

Yeah! What about THAT? (“Bullhead City?”) Anyway--yeah! What about all the conversations those swinging fake balls would start? Are we to be deprived of that by some Maryland fascist?

What about REAL bull balls, is he going to ban them, too, because they’re offensive? I’d like to see him try to enforce that. “Oh, so you won’t put these shorts on, eh, Ferdinand? Well then I’ll just have to put them on for you—Whoa! Hey! Calm down, I was only--”