This Just In: Another White House Email Intercept

Another email from inside the White House. Every so often someone accidentally forwards one of these things to my In Box:

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY FOR YOUR EYES ONLY FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
To: Karl Rove
From: chimpmeister@whitehouse.com
Re: Must reign in Chimp—PRONTO!

Karl—

Things are very dicey here in the Bunker lately. With Congress what it is now and the investigating committees not even started yet and our approval ratings stuck at the earth’s core, we’ve got to handle everything like it’s nitro-glycerin. If we play it exactly right from now on, we might still make it through the next two years and cross the finish line. If we don’t, we could go down in history as the dingleberries that took the GOP from the summit of success to the bottom of the shitter in just five years. And you can just imagine what that will do to our careers, post-Administration. If that happens, we’ll be lucky to get speaking engagements at the free breakfast buffet at the Motel Six. You remember what happened to Chimp Senior after he raised taxes and lost to Clinton—we practically vaporized him, his name was leprosy; for eight years he had to pay Republicans to be photographed with him.

I don’t want that to happen to you or me. I don’t want us to end up being the next "in-house joke" employees at Fox News. That’s why I’m reaching out, asking you for help. The Chimp is getting out of control--I mean really out of control--on the subject of the war. (Iraq, I mean; he doesn’t know we’re still in Afghanistan.)

It used to be that when he started getting above himself, I could bring Don Rumsfeld in to bring him to heel. Rummy would come in the Oval Office, threaten to send him to Baghdad again, and the Chimp would get right back in line. But that’s not an option anymore. (I still think it was a mistake to can Rummy. Our numbers said he was the most charismatic figure in the Administration.)

Anyway—the Chimp is acting up about this Iraq thing, and there’s no one around the White House to scare him back into line anymore. (I asked Dick to help, but Dick gave me one of his murderous looks. “Did it ever occur to you that someone actually has to run this goddamn funny farm?” he snarled. “And now you want me to come all the way up from two miles underground to try to reason with Alfred E. Newman? Do your eff’in job!” He had a point, I guess. Anyway, the Chimp doesn’t look up to Dick the way he used to; the other day I caught him with a Sharpie drawing on Dick’s official photograph, putting a little beard on him and making his bald head into an ass.)

Karl, this is serious. He’s walking around the office talking to himself, saying “I am the Decider…I am the Decider…” over and over again. You’ve probably already seen him do it on the news. Thank God it was the only time they actually caught him doing it on camera; we got him out of there before he did the “I am the Decider” gesture. That’s another thing: he’s started making this “I am the decider” gesture, too; he raises up his arms up into the air in this very grand, slow, "holy" way while he says it, and he does this kind of royal-sounding “I-am-the-Decider voice,” too. It’s scary, Karl; sometimes he even wanders out into the hall and the tourists see him. I’ve had to confiscate people’s video cameras!

You’ve got to keep in mind that most of the Chimp’s ideas about government come from reading children’s books. He grasps the concept of “king” because he’s seen that in the illustrations, but he can't seem to refine that basic concept into “president.” Since the Dems took over Congress I’ve tried to explain about “checks and balances” but his eyes just glaze over, I might as well spend my time trying to explain “checks and balances” to a stuffed animal. We go round and round about it for hours, over and over again, and sometimes I even think he’s got it because he starts nodding his head--and then at the end he just gets up and makes that grand gesture again and says “but I am the Decider.”

We’ve got to do something about this—turn a hose on him whenever he goes into this “I am the Decider” thing, startle him with firecrackers, I don’t know what--but we’ve got to do something. It will scare the shit out of America, if they ever see him doing this. I see it every day and it still scares the shit out of ME!

Help!

Sincerely,
Chimpmeister