Monday, February 12, 2007

Congress: Bush Loyalists Plan To Defend Troop "Surge"

This one’s from the Washington Post:

GOP Expects Defections as House Debates Iraq Resolution

by Lyndsey Layton and Jonathan Weisman
Washington Post Staff Writers
Monday, February 12, 2007;

Three days of intense debate over the Iraq war begins in the House today, with Democrats planning to propose a narrowly worded rebuke of President Bush's troop buildup and Republicans girding for broad defections on their side…

The GOP, whose members have conceded they are likely to lose, is treating the debate like a mini-political campaign, deploying a rapid-response team to counter Democrats' statements, aggressively trying to get its leaders on television and radio, and creating a "resource center" off the House floor where members can fill their arms with maps, research material, videos or other visual aids to use during their floor time…

Speaker: The chair recognizes the distinguished gentleman from Alabama.
Congressman: Thank you, Madame Speaker. I would like to use my allotted five minutes to show you people a very powerful video presentation. This footage I’m about to show you makes the case the against this proposed rebuke of President Bush’s troop build-up more eloquently and more concisely than I ever could with mere words. If I may, Madame Speaker?
Speaker: Go ahead, Congressman, you’ve got four minutes left.
Congressman: Okey-doke. Just lemme get this DVD thinga-ma-bobbie here in the slot. They make the labels on these machines so tiny--wazzat say, there? It’s a little triangle-y thing there…I apologize, Madame Speaker, my aide was supposed to have this all set up for me, all he told me was not to put my thumb on silvery part of the the DVD thingie here.
Speaker: Three and a half minutes left, Congressman.
Congressman: God damn I can’t read this thing, and why do the damn Koreans make these DVD machines and stereos and such all in black, if they’re gonna sell ‘em to white people? We’ve got big round eyes, we don’t have slanty little eyes to read these teeny-tiny little labels.
Speaker: Get a page to help you.
Congressman: That’s a very good idea, ma’am. Here you go, son, here’s the remote control, let’s get a young pair of eyes on the case, heh-heh. Well look at that, he popped it right open, first try. Here you go, son, slip that in there. I just press “play” now? Thank you very much, son, I’ll come and see you later. Nice boy. Fine athletic build, too. Swimmer’s physique, I’d say.
Speaker: Congressman—
Congressman: Oh, yeah, yeah. As I was sayin’, this video—
Speaker: Just play it, you’ve got less than two minutes left.
Congressman: Alrighty, I will. “Play!” (presses button on remote)
(A video plays on a large screen. It’s a video of the September 11th attacks, about eight seconds long. The first four seconds show one plane crashing into one of the World Trade Center buildings, then the last four seconds show the other plane crashing into the other World Trade Center building. The video ends, and the screen goes black.)
(There is a silence in Congress. Then:)
Speaker: That’s it?
Congressman: Yes, ma’am.
Speaker: That’s you’re entire presentation in favor of the President’s troop increase?
Congressman:(proudly) Yes, ma’am, it is. From the way y’all are acting these days, I figure you musta forget about that. (He sits down.)
(Speaker sighs and puts her head in her hands for a minute. Then she looks up and says:)
Speaker: The chair recognizes the distinguished gentleman from Wyoming.
Another Congressman: Thank you, Madame Speaker. I, too, have a visual presentation I would like to make.
Speaker: Oh, good.
Congressman: Beg your pardon, ma’am?
Speaker: Nothing. Go on.
Congressman: Yes, ma’am. (pulls up tripod, picks up pointer. As he speaks he puts up a chart on the tripod. The chart displays a large color photo of the first jet crashing into the first World Trade Center building.) Fellow members, I believe this map, which shows our current situation in Baghdad, is the strongest evidence in favor of the President’s—(looks at his chart, sees that it is not a map but a photo) Oh, I beg your pardon, Madame Speaker, ladies and gentlemen—I see that this is not a map of Baghdad. Perhaps the map is on the other side—(he turns the chart over; it’s another photo of the second jet hitting the second World Trade Center building.) Well, there seems to have been some mistake, Madame Speaker. But as a matter of fact, these two photos support the President’s troop proposal more eloquently than any map ever could—
Speaker: Thank you, sir. The chair now recognizes the distinguished gentleman from Ohio—what are you doing there, sir?
Another Congressman: Just setting up, Madame Speaker. I also have a little presentation—
Speaker: Why are you climbing up on the desk like that and taking your shoes off?
Congressman: All will become clear in a moment, Madame Speaker. Let’s see—I simply cross my legs like this—The wife and I have been doing yoga, Madame Speaker, Christian Yoga, to be specific—
Speaker: That’s very interesting, but what has—
Congressman: Please, Madame Speaker if you will indulge me—I’m going to need my full five minutes. If I may call your attention to these long silver oven mitts, which I am slipping over my bare feet right now. You see them? I simply slip them over my feet, point my feet at the ceiling, and the silvery oven mitts look tall and long and strong. These two long silver oven mitts represent—
Speaker: --the World Trade Center buildings?
Congressman:(surprised) Yes, that’s right. Have I showed you this before?
Speaker: No. Please go on.
Congressman: Well, anyway—I have here in my pockets somewhere—here they are—two little model passenger jets. I already happened to have one, here’s another that one of my aides purchased for me at the Ronald Reagan National Airport gift shop this morning. I just have to get this second one out of the packaging to do my presentation…these things come in this clear plastic molded casing, it’s very hard to tear this…maybe if I use my teeth…
Speaker: Would you like a scissors, Congressman?
Congressman: (trying to tear package open with his teeth) Th’okay, I thing I got it…OH! I cut my cheek! OH! That smart-th…If fith okay, Madame Thpeaker, I will yield the retht of my five minuth to the dithtinguithed gentlemun from Momtana…
Speaker:(to herself, as she ticks another mark on her list) Three hundred and seventy five to go…



At 12:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So far you've pretty much nailed it.

At 3:03 PM, Blogger Leah said...

I hope he washed his socks before he tried that out, or else Madame Speaker would sound nasally from holding her nose during his "arguement"


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