Iraq: Astounding Findings of U.S. Intell Agencies!

Stunning headline today, from Reuters!

US intelligence sees elements of Iraq “civil war”

OH MY GOD! You’re kidding me! Get outta here with that! They see elements of a “civil war” in Iraq? They dropped that fucking bombshell--today? Oh my God, OH MY GOD, I’m running around the room in circles right now, tearing out big clumps of hair in shock and disbelief! Right now, in February of 2007--THE INTELLIGENCE GUYS SEE ELEMENTS OF AN IRAQ “CIVIL WAR!”

WAAAGGHHHH! Quick, someone tell the President! How much are we paying them, these intelligence guys? They’re worth every cent. Double it! Double their salaries right now!

How do they do that? How do they figure these things out? They must have some of the finest minds in America—hell, in the WORLD—to be able see something like that, in the present situation in Iraq. It’s amaaaaaaazing! CRIKEY! They take these seemingly unrelated phenomena (years of Shi’ite miltias shooting at Sunni militias, vice versa, month after month after month of civilian massacres and bombings) and somehow—because they’re geniuses, “Wile E. Coyote, Sooooper Geniuses”—after just three years of analysis, they are able to construct this theory (mayhap it is yet too early to call a “conclusion”) that one can “see” “elements of” a “civil war” in Iraq.

You’re shittin’ me! “Oh, go waaayyy…” as my late Irish dad used to say, when presented with some astonishing new information. What else is new, in this report? What other startling conclusions did they come to? Let’s take a quick look through and see:

“Paris may be the capital of France…” (Wow!) “we see elements of Catholicism in the Pope’s behavior”…(hmmm. Better keep an eye on that.)… “In response to the question “Does a bear shit in the woods?” we can only say that the Agency has seen elements of this…” I think they may be going out on a limb with that last one, but who knows what they’re relying on to make that conclusion. Satellite photography, probably. That’s right; they’ve probably got a four hundred million dollar satellite out there, orbiting the earth, and it’s probably got digital infrared photographs of a bear taking a shit in the woods in Siberia or someplace. Or maybe the satellite just got some photos of the bear standing near a pile of shit, and our intelligence boys can’t positively state yet that that “shit” came from “that” bear.

They may be waiting for all the facts to come in, before making their final conclusions about the matter. They may be waiting for the “magnified 8000 times” satellite photo that shows the actual contents of the shit that would prove conclusively that it did indeed come out of this particular bear. If these photos show that the shit contains nuts, berries, and “elements of” missing local hikers and campers—then they will be able to state persuasively—if not conclusively, that a bear does—at least on this particular occasion—shit in the woods.

Even so, it would be best to hold our horses before we release this information to the public. We don’t want to start a panic. Perhaps we can put the most controversial part of the assertion in quotes, like Reuters did with the “civil war” in Iraq headline. That way we haven’t committed to anything.

“US Intelligence sees evidence of “bear shitting in woods” theory”

There you have it. Tomorrow’s headlines today; at—the Stillwater Tribune.

You’re welcome.