Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Why Libby Should Be Pardoned

Before you say "no way," consider the following:

1) Obstruction of justice, perjury--so what?

2) He was only following orders.

3) Hey, c’mon—it’s Christmas.

4) Pardon would be an example of “compassionate” conservatism.

5) Giuliani, Romney, McCain, Brownback, Tancredo, and Thompson all said they would pardon him. (And Thompson is on “Law and Order”)

6) If we don’t pardon him, he’ll come out of jail seeking a “Rambo-like” vengeance.

7) He’s already said he would never do it again.

8) Pardon would save much-needed federal prison dollars—he’s a big eater.

9) If we pardon him now, HBO won’t make a movie about him starring Gary Sinise.

10) Looks real bad for government if one of the President’s top men ends up “on the inside.”

11) Would look silly in that ill-fitting uniform.

12) Pardon would encourage more Libby types to go into politics.

13) Cellmate needs and deserves better-looking “girlfriend.”

14) Promised not to ask for anything else if he’s pardoned.

15) Prosecutor was clearly over-zealous—wants to put ALL criminals in prison.

16) Could celebrate pardon with “National Open Bar Of Remembrance Day.”

17) Libby serving his sentence would dishonor the sacrifice of our troops in Iraq.

18) If he goes to jail, Dixie Chicks would be somehow vindicated.

19) How about two years of community service as a traffic cop in downtown Baghdad, instead?

20) He never semen-stained a cocktail dress, that’s for sure.

21) Pardon would piss off Nancy Pelosi, and she looks so cute when she’s mad.

22) Pardon=the process of national healing could begin.

23) Alberto Gonzales would sleep better.

24) Scooter “feels these things” more than the rest of us.

25) Sentence is no guarantee he won’t be back in government (look at Elliot Abrams.)

26) We could send Doug Feith instead. He’s perfect to take the fall, he’ll sign anything and General Franks says he’s “the dumbest motherfucker he ever met.”

27) It will break his mother’s heart.

28) Libby sitting on top bunk playing “Nobody Know Da Trouble I Seen” on his harmonica all day would drive rest of cell block into a murderous rage.

29) Keeping Bush officials out of prison is the front line on the war against terrorism.

30) Nobody wants to hire an ex-con.

31) If we send him to jail, he will put the dreaded “Curse of Scooter” on us all.

32) We shouldn't "criminalize policy differences" regarding perjury.

33) Rate of recidivism among Bush White House officials is very high.

34) Let’s not be too hasty, now.

35) Sending him to prison would embolden our enemies.

36) Jail hasn’t been built that can hold ol’ Scooter.

37) Could have shot his way out of courtroom, chose not to, saving lives.

38) Bad memory, won’t remember what he’s being punished “for.”

39) Look up there, quick--what kind of bird is that? Oh, too late, he’s slipped away…

40) Pardon=no reality TV series co-starring Paris Hilton.



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