Thursday, July 12, 2007

GOP Presidential Contenders Fear Opening of Nixon Archive

The Nixon Archives have now become public documents, and that spells BIG trouble for some GOP presidential candidates.

07 12 07 Federal Archivists Take Control of Nixon Library

By Gillian Flaccus
Associated Press
Thursday, July 12, 2007; Page C09

YORBA LINDA, Calif. -- The privately operated Richard M. Nixon Library & Birthplace was officially handed over to federal archivists yesterday, and researchers can pore over documents and tapes detailing "the good, the bad and the ugly" on the 37th president and his legacy...

...The new library director is taking some of the whitewash off the scandal resulting from the break-in at Democratic headquarters in the Watergate complex in Washington and the subsequent White House cover-up. The revised account is a precondition for receiving 42 million pages of the former president's papers and nearly 4,000 hours of tapes, which will be moved to California in several years.

Boy, get to work on that stuff fast, guys! Before next year’s elections! There’s bound to be some big bombshells in there! Stuff like this:

(Tape recording of Oval Office conversation. President Nixon meets with White House Chief of Staff H.R. “Bob” Haldeman.)

Nixon: Okay, Bob, you got five minutes. What the (expletive deleted) is so important?

Haldeman: Well, Mr. President, we’ve got to take care of some Republican problems. We’ve got some guys who need their asses covered. They’re calling in favors, sir.

Nixon: (Expletive deleted)! Why are you bothering me with this (unintelligible).

Haldeman: I don’t want to sir, but some of this affects some very promising young GOP members. We’re going to need these guys to preserve your legacy. For example—you know Fred Thompson?

Nixon: That dumb (characterization omitted) from Tennessee on the Watergate investigating committee?

Haldeman: Yes. He’s getting very jumpy. He’s been secretly feeding us all this inside information from the Committee.

Nixon: So what? That’s his job, isn’t it? He knew he’d be ratting out the investigating committee when he took the job, what’s he complaining about, the (adjective deleted) hick.

Haldeman: He’s afraid if the press finds out, he’ll get disbarred. I mean, he would be disbarred, if the Committee found out he was feeding us inside information when he was supposed to be investigating us. It would ruin his career.

Nixon: His career? Now I’ve got to take care of this Gomer’s career, too? (Expletive deleted)...Okay. Tell the little (characterization omitted) that if he keeps playing along, we’ll get him in the movies.

Haldeman: The movies?!

Nixon: Yeah, yeah... I know people in Hollywood. I’ll get him something in the movies. Don’t promise him top billing or anything. Character parts. He can play, I dunno, a principled politician or a law enforcement official. He’s good at pretending he’s principled, he’ll get work. Okay, who’s next?

Haldeman: Well, we got this guy John McCain, he’s still a P.O.W. in Nam, we got an offer to do a prisoner exchange for him--

Nixon: Is he a Republican?

Haldeman: Well, we think he’s gonna be when he gets out—and he’s very gung-ho on the idea of war—

Nixon: So is everybody in the GOP, so what?

Haldeman: Yes sir, but you know that most of our GOP guys take deferments to get out of fighting in the war—it would be really nice to have someone who actually saw combat in the GOP, once in a while. Of course, McCain’s a little more liberal than we’d like—

Nixon: (Expletive deleted) him then, let him rot with the Cong. He's not going anywhere until he becomes a conservative Republican. Tell him to flip and become conservative, then we'll talk about prisoner exchanges.

Haldeman: Well--we could bribe the Cong to let him go sir--McCain himself doesn't have much money--

Nixon: Idiots like this McCain never have any money! You call the guy thirty years from now and he STILL won't have any money. Let him rot! What else?

Haldeman: Well, I got this urgent request from George Bush—

Nixon: What does that (characterization omitted) want?

Haldeman: It seems his son’s gone AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard again.

Nixon: What am I supposed to do? Go out and look for the little (expletive deleted)?

Haldeman: Well, apparently George Junior isn’t too bright, his dad says he might be out somewhere doing coke or drunk driving or something—

Nixon: And that’s my problem, all of the sudden? Tell Bush I’m not gonna call out the FBI to find his congenital idiot coke-sniffing son for him. In fact, tell him that if we do find him we’ll shoot the little (characterization omitted) for desertion.

Haldeman: Bush senior could be a big help to you in this Watergate thing, sir.


Nixon: Oh alright then. Tell the FBI to put a couple of guys on it. Tell ‘em to follow the line of white powder and empty liquor bottles until the Bush kid shows up on the other end. Tell Bush we’ll cover it up for him. But when the archives come out and the American people find out I did this—they’re gonna regret it, believe you me. (Expletive deleted.)



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