Klassic Komedy from Bush and Cheney: The Scary Poll Numbers!
New way to tell the same old story: Bush and Cheney are like this zany old comedy team, see—--like Abbott and Costello.
Bush is the stupid one you laugh at, see, and Cheney’s his con-man type partner who’s always slapping him around, taking advantage of him, see?
It’ll be a riot!
Show opens with the titles, and wacky comedy music, horns and kettle drum booms):
Music: YA-DA-DA-DA-DA(whoop!), DA-YA-DA-DA, DA-DA (BOOM!) etc.
Over music we see: The titles, florid fifties ‘script: “The Bush and Cheney Show!” “Starring Chick Cheney…and Junior Bush!”
Behind the titles is a film montage of funniest scenes from past shows: Bush explaining his plan for Iraq War to generals by using laser pointer to point to areas on huge map, laser pointer causes Baghdad area to burst into flames, Bush bites his knuckle and throws pitcher of water to put it out, misses, it hits a general, who is outraged, Cheney slaps Bush and starts to beat on him with his hat—cut to: New Orleans being blasted by huge hurricane, Bush looks out the window of Air Force One, starts tugging on Cheney’s sleeve to make him look, too, Cheney shrugs him off and returns to the Racing Form, Bush pushes the “Tell nation we’ve got everything under control” button on media panel, looks out window again, sees levees have breached and city is now flooding, Bush bites knuckle as Cheney slaps him and beats him with his hat, etc.
Titles for tonight’s episode: “Bush and Cheney Meet the Scary Poll Numbers, Again!”
(Scary old house of Congress. Bush and Cheney pull up in broken down old truck, wearing delivery caps, hand-painted sign on side of truck “Bush and Cheney: We deliver legislation!” Truck farts to a stop, radiator cap pops off, steam shoots out.)
Cheney: I thought I told you to fix that! (Slaps Bush in face, sound effect.)
Bush:: But, Chick, I—
Cheney: (slaps him again) Never mind, we don’t have time now. Come on, we’ve gotta get this legislation delivered.
Bush: But Chick—
Cheney: (slaps him again) “But-chick, But-chick,” what, are ya talking Yiddish now? Get a move on.
(Bush unloads a huge crate marked “SECOND TERM LEGISLATION” from the back of the truck. Cheney leans against side of truck, making no effort to help him, examining his fingernails.)
Bush: (staggering under the burden, in sheep-like voice) Gee, Chick, do I hafta go up that scary ol’ Hill wit dis legislation all by myself. I don’t wanna hafta go dat hill, please don’t make dis boy go up there alone, Chick, them poll numbers sure is scary, oh Chick, please Chick, don’t—
Cheney: (slaps him in the face again) Shaddap! What are you whining about, you wanted the job didn’t you? Look (pulls whistle out of his pocket, blows in it, it toots) See this whistle? It symbolizes our right wing media propaganda machine. You get into trouble, you blow on that, we’ll all come runnin’.
Bush: You’ll come runnin’?
Cheney: Like a shot.
Bush: Gee, you’re a pal. (to camera) He’s a real pal.
Cheney: (slaps him) Now get up that hill and don’t come back until you’ve delivered that legislation.
(Bush starts to stagger off with his burden, then Cheney calls him back, and he staggers back into frame. Cheney slaps him.)
Bush: What was that for?
Cheney: You forgot the whistle! Now get goin’!
Bush: (turning around, talking through whistle clenched in his teeth) Okay, okay, but I’m one scared boy—
(Cheney boots him in the ass, returns to reading Racing Form after he leaves. Turns over Racing Form, it says Halliburton No-Bid Profits on the back. Cheney smiles his lopsided smile.)
(Inside the House. Creaky old door opens, Bush staggers in with his huge legislative burden, sets it down behind him. Door slams shut with a bang, Bush jumps. He’s terrified. Takes whistles out of his mouth.)
Bush: B-boy, it sh-sure is sc-c-ary in here… (Sees old candelabra on table nearby, tries to light a candle, can’t strike matches. Finally gets it lit. Light comes up behind him slowly from candelabra, revealing first scary poll number: “32%”
Bush looks up at it, begins shaking uncontrollably.)
Bush: (so scared he can barely whisper:) …chick…! Ch-ch-ch—(He looks at camera, points at poll number with trembling finger, then puts hand to side of his face in horror) …oh chick…o-o-oh, ch-hi-hick!...ch-ch—
(Jump cut to Cheney, waiting by van. Looks at watch, then up at house, annoyed.)
(Back to Bush, in house. Bush, shaking like a paint-mixer, turns away from first scary poll number only to see another scary poll number that has come up behind him from the other direction: “31%”. Bush bites knuckles, his cap does a somersault on his head, kazoo sound effect. Then he remembers the whistle. He puts it in his mouth, missing a couple of times, tries to blow, but his mouth is too dry with fear. All he can manage is a kind of “b-bbfff!” sound, a dry spit-take. Finally, a third scary poll number come up beside him, takes the whistle out of his mouth and blows a clear note on it for him, hands it back to him. The third scary poll number is “26%!!!”)
Bush: (taking whistle) Th-thank y-you…(then he sees what the poll number says, screams “CHIIIIIIICK!” and runs right through closed door, leaving a “Bush” shaped hole in it.)
(Unfortunately, his suspenders are caught on the big box of legislation and he’s drawn right back into the House again, slammed against the box of legislation, menaced by the poll numbers. He runs out again at top speed, screaming “CHIIIIICK!”, and he’s snapped right back inside by the suspenders again.)
(This bit is repeated over and over again, for about the next two years.)