Saturday, October 06, 2007

Business to GOP: "You're fired."

Well, it’s about time. I was wondering how long big business was going to put up with the GOP’s crap job performance—my God, they’ve been employing the GOP for what, a hundred and forty seven years now? Anyway the day of reckoning has come.

GOP Is Losing Grip On Core Business Vote
Deficit Hawks Defect
As Social Issues Prevail;

By JACKIE CALMES
October 2, 2007; Page A1

WASHINGTON -- The Republican Party, known since the late 19th century as the party of business, is losing its lock on that title.

New evidence suggests a potentially historic shift in the Republican Party's identity -- what strategists call its "brand." The votes of many disgruntled fiscal conservatives and other lapsed Republicans are now up for grabs, which could alter U.S. politics in the 2008 elections and beyond...


It’s a very long article. But what it doesn’t tell the business community is *how* they can fire the GOP--which is a major omission, because this is obviously going to be emotionally difficult for both parties. The business community and the GOP are both notorious for their historical loyalty and fairness. So we offer this “How to fire the GOP” guide to the business community (which I copied and adapted from some asshole’s website) to help them through this difficult time.

Name of pamphlet: “So...You’ve Got to Fire the Republican Party”

Step One
Make sure your documentation ducks are in a row before you fire their ass. Have important paperwork with you, such as previous performance reviews, probationary warnings or other relevant personnel material.

Example:
Business: Sit down, GOP. I want to talk to you.
GOP: Say, did you see how well the economy’s doing? We’re—
Business: Can the bullshit, GOP, I’ve got the figures right here in front of me. (Wave papers.) We owe the entire goddamn country to Red China. You’re devaluing the dollar and killing us with this debt you’ve run up. We hired you to exercise economic discipline.
GOP: (looks at performance reviews, says nothing.)

Step Two
You should work out the details of the employee's departure before you terminate him. How long will he have to clear out? Does he have a company car or a laptop to return?

Example:
Business: Now I don’t want to embarrass you. You can hang around, stop off by the water cooler on your way out and tell everyone you're leaving over a matter of principle. Save face, whatever. But I want the keys to the company car and that laptop we gave you.
GOP: What, right now?
Business: Gimme the keys and the laptop.
GOP: If you don’t mind, Larry Craig’s got some stuff on that laptop we’d rather delete before we returned this—
Business: We’ll take care of that. The keys.
GOP: How are we supposed to get home?
Business: That’s your problem. I understand there’s public transportation.

Step Three
Arrange to have a human resources representative present. Not only can the representative give the fired employee information and answer questions about severance and continuation of benefits, but she can also ensure that the meeting follows the company's HR guidelines.

Business: This is Rochelle, our HR person. She’s here to make sure this termination goes according to the book. She’ll guarantee that this process is fair and—
GOP: (screaming) Fair my ass! We’ve worked for you for a hundred and forty years, you can’t just shit can us and get away with it! (whips out pistol) You must have forgotten that we’re the party of the NRA—if we’ve got to go we’re taking some of you bastards down with us! This is a real gun I’ve got here—
Business: And that’s a real gun Rochelle is holding on you, right now.
Rochelle: Drop it, motherfucker. Ain’t no one gonna miss you, if you make me pop your ass.
GOP: (drops gun, breaks down sobbing.)
Business: Thank you, Rochelle.

Step Four
Get right to the point. The employee's fate has been decided, so just say it.

Business: You’re fired, asshole. You’re through. Terminado.
GOP: (cries like John Candy)

Step Five
Take responsibility. Even if you're not the one who decided to take the action, if asked directly, "Whose decision was this?" be prepared to say, "Mine."

GOP: (through tears): Whose decision was this?
Business: Everybody’s.

Step Six
Offer whatever assistance your company provides in the way of outplacement, counseling or other services, no matter how acrimonious the parting.

Business: If you need help getting your shit out the door, we can do that for you.
GOP: (sniffling) Is there any kind of help with outplacement?
Business: Yes. If you and your shit aren’t OUT of this PLACE in twenty minutes, a crew of burly private sector security guards from Blackwater will come and get you and PLACE your ass OUT side.
GOP: What about counseling?
Business: I suggest that when the security guards show up, you go quietly. That is my “counsel” to you.

Step Seven
Communicate the essentials of the employee's departure to other members of the department. Avoid details about why he was let go.

Business sends intra-office email: “Attention everyone! This is Big Business. We have just fired the GOP. For fucking up big time. Don’t let this happen to you, Democrats! That is all. Have a nice day.”

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4 Comments:

At 9:57 PM, Anonymous jlms qkw said...

http://www.sltrib.com/ci_7117493

a couple more articles today - LDS editor "regrets" attending CNP.

 
At 11:03 PM, Blogger twitchy said...

oh gawd, 'pop your ass' indeed - I laughed so hard, I may be incontinent - - - dear, dear, dear

 
At 2:43 PM, Blogger Prendergast said...

Yeah, twitchy, I always crack up when a character in a movie threatens to "pop someone's ass." Heh heh heh.

jlms--

thanks for the link on the CNP!

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger Prendergast said...

Or when someone on TV threatens to "put a cap in someone's ass." I don't know why, but I laugh. Maybe it's because it's a person holding a gun, talking about someone's ass. I don't know why I find that funny, but I do.

 

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