Sunday, December 16, 2007

Phony Chinese Art Scam A Pain In German Balls

How low can you go?

China slams German "warriors" show as fake
Thu Dec 13, 9:59 AM ET

BEIJING (Reuters) - Supposedly ancient Chinese terracotta warriors on show at a German museum are fakes, China confirmed Thursday, condemning the organizers for cheating the public...

..."All the items on show in Hamburg are reproductions," (a Chinese cultural) administration said in a strongly worded statement on its Web site...

The Hamburg Museum of Ethnology has offered refunds to about 10,000 visitors who have already viewed the "Power in Death" exhibition since it opened on November 25 as police probed the authenticity of the warriors.

The display of eight clay warrior figures, two horses and 60 smaller objects has remained open, with a sign stating that its authenticity was in dispute.

--Oh, mama, I yam zo exzited. Today is der day ve go to to zee der Chinese terra cotta varriors eggzibit at der Museum.
--Ja, papa, iz zertainly eine gloriouz day. All your schveet life you hast bin moaning about how grrrrreat it vould be der Chinese terra cotta varriors, “oh, if ve could only afford ze trip to China to zee de famous Chinese terra cotta varriors,” “I’d giff my fockink right arm to zee dose amazingk Chinese terra cotta varriors”—und now here are der original, chenuine Chinese terra cotta varriors, hright here at de Hamboorg Ethnologikal Museum!”
--Ja, dot’s pieze of luck, alrrrright! Normally you vouldn’t ketch me dead at der Hamboorg Ethnologikalmuseum, I vouldn’t pfork over a pfenning to zee de museum-piece third vurld Kunst dey got on dishplay over dere. But diz Chinese terra-cotta varrior eggzibit is a different shtory, liebschen! Look, I got der tickets for der kids and for der grandkiddies, too! Ve are going to make a whole day out it, I even flew my ninety year olt Great-Onkel Oskar into town from der Obergammerau Home for Der Dekrepit to see dis egg-zibit, bekoss he tells me ven I yam eine young shprout—“Hans! If dere is one ting I vould like to do before I die, it is zee der chenuine Chinese terra-cotta varriors! Not zum cheesy knock-off terra cotta varriors, but der real McCoy! If I could chust zee dat vunce, mein life vould not haff been in vain.”
--So you flew him down, even do it’s goink to break ush at ze bank. Dot is vhy you are a nize man, papa. Now, here is der hamper, mitt all de Cherman delicacies vot I haff been up all night cookingk so dot zeeing de chenuine Chinese terra cotta varriors vill be de perfect ekshperience dot our ekshtended family vill neber forget. I got der wienerschnitzel, der sauerbraten, der spaetzel, der hred kebbage, der white kebbage, der green kebbage, der kebbagebraten, der wienerkebbage—
--Vow, mama, you did a lot of kookink.
--I chure did, I disemboweled a lot of liveshtock and shpent our life shavings on kebbeges, but it’s all vort it for dis unforgeddable “zeeing der chenuine terra cotta varriors ekshperience.
--Cheez, mama, I hope ve are not “over-zelling” dis ting to ourselves and der kids. But let’s go, der museum ist openink.

(Later at the museum:)
--Vell, mama, iz diz “chenuine Chinese terra cotta varriors” egg-zibit all I promised du it vould be?
--Oh, papa, it shor ist! Dis is fontastik, der kiddies und der grrand-kiddies and our moribund Great-Onkle Oskar are zo exshited, zey are pointink and hreadink der interestingk facts on de eggzibit labels und marveling at ze audenticity of der egg-zibit—look at dis vun hright here, izn’t zis a fine shpecimen of a chenuine Chinese terra cotta varrior—

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--Oh, ja, he ist a gut vun, mama. Vell, it cost us a bundle to get everyvun here, and I shpent all my money und all my life tryink to make zis drrream come trrrrue, but I must zay it voss vurth it to see the chenuine Chinese terra cotta varriors—
--Vot is vot? Vhy hast du turned all pale like eine uncooked knockwurst all of der sudden?
--Look dere! Look at vot it says on dis Chinese terra cotta varrior’s shkirt!
--Yes, “shkirt,” look at der bottom of his “shkirt,” it zays zumething at der bottom dere:

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--GOTT IN FOKINGK HIMMEL! VAS IST LOSS, or vords to dot effect, I’m zo upset I can’t remember “le mot juste” in Deutsche! DIS FOCKINGK EGG-ZIBIT IST NOTHINGK BUT A BUNCH OF FOCKINGK CHINESE TERRA COTTA VARRIOR KNOCKOFFS! Vot kind uf badger game are dese EthnologikalMuseumMutterfokkers tryingk to put over on der public? For der lieb of Gott, don’t let Great-Onkel Oskar see dat or he’ll—
--Mein Gott, Hans! He *hast* seen it! He ist habbing eine shtroke!
--ACH DU LIEBER, call nine-vun-vun! Dis is the vurst ekshperience in our eckshtended family’s history, us und our kinder und our grand-kinder heff gone through every last cent ve haff to shpend de last dree hourz looking at a bunch off PHONY ORIENTAL KUNST! I’m zooing, do you hear me? I um goingk to zoo this choke of a museum fer der Fraude!
--Und dot ist not de only bed news, papa! Look at der headline in dis American newshpaper, vot is choost lyin’ around here—
--(looks at headline) Oh, MEIN GOTT! (reads:)

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