I go on the Sunday morning politics talk shows

No one ever invites me to go on those Sunday morning political talk shows, probably because I sleep in. But here’s what I would say if I was a commentator on those shows.

First, here I am on ABC’s This Week, going head to head with Fred Thompson on the right-to-die thing:

ABC’s This Week: Senator Thompson, a legal and political battle unfolded over whether doctors should remove Terri Schiavo's feeding tube and let her die, as her husband wanted, or continue to sustain her, as her parents wanted. How would you resolve situations like that in the future?
Thompson: When family members cannot agree, the first recourse needs to be state government. I would side with the parents in, you know, keeping that child alive.
Bill: Why the hell should the parents have the final word? Schiavo was an adult, she’d expressed wishes about how she wanted to die. Where does the law say that your parents have the final word, and not your spouse or the courts? You’re contradicting yourself, you say the first recourse should be the state government but the parents should have the final say? What kind of bullshit is that, Fred, you’re talking out of your ass.
Thompson: How could you decide otherwise, if they told you that the child was going to continue to live?
Bill: What about her husband? What about his opinion? What about Terri Schiavo’s opinion, on how she wanted die—what she said before she entered a semi-vegetative state? What about the state court findings of fact on *her* expressed wishes? Do you chuck all that out the window as if it’s so much shit, just so you can court the evangelical right?
ABC’s This Week: Senator Thompson, what about the broader legal concerns surrounding end-of-life issues, do you have a legal position on that?
Thompson: I don’t have a legal position, other than it ought to be resolved in a state court system.
Bill: You play a lawyer on TV, you have a law degree, *pretend* you have a legal position. You’re supposed to be running for President, for Jesus’ sake, take a position. And the Schiavo case *was* resolved in the Florida state court system, you jackass. The evangelicals didn’t like the way the state court system resolved it, that’s how it became talk radio politics and finally ended up on the floor of the GOP Congress. Your comment is irrelevant, it shows you’re not even paying attention. Wake up, you geezer, don’t you even read the papers anymore? (to other commentators) Somebody wake this guy up.

Now here I am on Fox News Sunday, giving Mike Huckabee a much-needed dressing down...

Fox News Sunday: What about these ethical questions that have recently been raised about your tenure as Governor of Arkansas?
Huckabee: There's something Arkansas-esque about it. If you look at the politics of this state, the people who are not happy that I was governor -- remember, I was only the fourth Republican elected in 150 years.
Bill: (stares at him is disbelief, then says) That’s it? That’s your answer? Someone asks you a question about ethics violations while you were governor, and all you can come up with is “I was only the fourth Republican elected governor in 150 years?” “Arkansas political trivia,” that’s how you rebut ethics allegations? How are you gonna answer a question about your ties to the religious right, you gonna tell us what the official state fruit is? (to the other commentators, jerking his thumb) Can you believe this numbnut?
Fox New Sunday: Governor, what about your first Iowa television spot featuring your celebrity endorser, Chuck Norris?
Bill: Chuck Norris? An endorsement from Chuck Norris? What kind of fucking--
Huckabee: (interrupting)It probably doesn't convince anybody. The spots we'll run next week will start doing that. But what it does do is exactly what it's doing this morning: getting a lot of attention, driving people to our Web site, giving them an opportunity to find out, who is this guy that would come out with Chuck Norris in a commercial.
Bill: Chuck Norris will come out for a feminine hygiene spray in a commercial, if the money's right, what the hell does that prove? That's the most credible endorsement you could come up with, Chuck Norris? What, was "Batman" unavailable or something? What kind of idiot would be impressed by an endorsement from Chuck Norris? We're at war, for Christ's sake, tens of thousands of people are being killed every year, and you're trying lock up the "martial arts" vote in Iowa? What are you, some kind of right-wing cartoon character or something?
Fox News Sunday: Please, Bill--
Bill: I'm not kidding, this is supposed to be serious shit we're discussing here, and this guy brings out a Bruce Lee knock-off to endorse him--am I the only serious person up here?

Finally, calling out John Edwards on CNN:

CNN Late Edition: Senator Edwards, can Hillary Clinton win the presidency?
Bill: What kind of a stupid ass question is that? Don’t answer that, John.
Edwards: I think that remains to be seen. That's why we have campaigns. I mean, what I know is that I can. And I think the empirical evidence supports that.
Bill: See? I told you not to answer that, but you went ahead and answered it anyway. And now you just look fatuous. We all know you think you can win the presidency, that’s why you’re running. But that doesn’t answer the question they asked you, which is whether Hillary can win. So what we’ve got now is a non-answer to a stupid question, which is a waste of everyone’s time. Let’s go to commercial.
Edwards: When I talk about shaking up Washington and making this place actually work for the American people, it is an interesting thing to watch that the people who are inside Washington, including Senator Clinton and her campaign, they circle the wagons and start protecting Washington politicians.
Bill: And what are you? A non-Washington politician? You were a senator and a vice presidential candidate, for Christ’s sake, how is that “not a Washington politician?” What are you now, a “baker from Idaho” or a “plumber from New Jersey” now, all of the sudden? This is a stupid discussion, you’re just digging yourself in deeper, it’s depressing. Let’s go to commercial.

No, wait there's one more! Here's me with Edwards on Face the Nation:

CBS's Face the Nation: Senator Edwards, isn’t this mudslinging, this criticism of Hillary?
Edwards: I reject the notion that this is mudslinging. I mean, we're talking about substantive issues of war that are going to face the next president of the United States.
Bill: No, you’re not, you’re talking about “what’s wrong with Hillary.” How the hell is that a solution to the substantive issues of war? Less about Hillary, more about the war, come on. We’ve already got McCain running around laughing with approval when his supporters call her a bitch, we get quite enough of that shit from the other side.
What are all these "horserace" BS questions for this guy, why doesn't someone ask him to spell out his plan for withdrawal instead of what he thinks about Hillary? We're on television, this is supposed to be about the issues, even Fred took a Schiavo question. For Christ’s sake, I don’t know why I bother to show up here. Who watches this shit, hoping to learn something?

Here’s the questions and answers without me, if you want to read it without my input, as millions do.
A weekly roundup of the buzz from the Sunday talk shows
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/11/18/AR2007111801271.html?nav=rss_politics
Monday, November 19, 2007; Page A02