How Did Bush Do In First Debate With Kerry?

This Monday I picked up a copy of the Pioneer Press; the front-page headline was “Small-Ball Twins Head To Big Town.” Stunned, I read on(it was only then I realized that it was a story about baseball, not something derogatory about Bush and Cheney again.

Speaking of which: it would be cruel to dwell on the President’s performance at the first debate last week. One suggestion: shouldn’t there be some sort of “time’s up” buzzer (like there is on “Jeopardy”) if the President responds to a question by staring blankly into the camera?

In the interest of fairness, I have decided to run letters from citizens who thought that the President won the debate. The problem is, these are tough to find. And the people who send them in are not necessarily Bush’s most articulate defenders. Bearing that in mind, I have composed the following “form” letters of support for the President, which will save his more incoherent supporters the trouble of having to sit down and compose their own pro-Bush nonsense. (As the President himself said so many times: they’re “good people,” but it’s “hard work.”)

Dear Sirs: I just watched the presidential debate. Go, Bush Go! As I write this I am giving you a standing ovation. I feel sorry for Kerry. You literally licked his sorry butt on national TV, Mr. President. Your sneers and blinking and fidgeting and zombie stares said it all. And you are right: who needs the rest of the world? For you doubters, I have just three words: U-S-A!
F.G., Moleview, MN

Dear Sirs: Thank you, Senator Kerry, for handing the election to President Bush on a silver platter with your elitist, preppy, snot-nosed so-called “presentation” of pie-in-the-sky facts. The problem is, your so-called pie-in-the-sky has a little too much ketchup on it, for our taste! You know what I’m talking about—where’s your wife? What are you afraid of? Tell her to come on out and take it like a man.
M.T., Bug’s Elbow, MI

Dear Sirs: So what? So what if Kerry won the debate? So what? Who cares? So what?
E.T., Derriere-du-Chien, WI

Dear Sirs: As a member of “The Greatest Generation” (i.e. the generation of Americans that won World War II) I applaud the President’s promise that the army would remain voluntary in the future. Of course, I applauded him during the 2000 debate against Gore, when he promised that the US would remain at peace if we elected him. Anyway, they can’t draft ME again; that’s for sure. So Bush is my man, unless he raises my co-pay for prescription drug benefits again before the election. After he’s elected, I guess he can raise it all he wants; there’s nothing I can do about that. I mean, I’m in my eighties.
T.N., Skeeterville, TX

Dear Sirs: I am sick to the bottom of my bleeding liver of all this liberal whining and complaining and downright, unadulterated—fol-de-rol (I’m sorry, but there’s no other word for it) that is being propagandized and spewed by the biased liberal media and the self-styled Hollywood ‘elite’ who think they know better than we, the people, about who won the presidential debate and who didn’t. Why do the so-called “objective” news media always run headlines like “More than 1000 US troops dead in Iraqi combat?” How come you never read positive headlines, like “More than 124,000 US Troops Not Yet Dead?” Everybody knows who wears the flip-flops in this family, and it isn’t me! Come on, everybody, altogether this time: BUSH! BUSH! BUSH! Yaaaay!

Isn’t this the administration who said that they were going to raise the tone in Washington? Well, let’s see some of that, instead of all these wind-surfing Democratic punks you see on TV with their Mountain Dew and perverted Clintonistas who are even now scheming to raise our taxes to pay back all the money the President has spent and change the national anthem to “Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick,” or worse! I would never support any candidate, whatever his stripes, who was anti-pro-life (although I do support the President’s position that it’s okay to do experiments on the tissue of murdered unborn infants if it will help Michael J. Fox beat Parkinson’s disease. Is he dead or alive, by the way? The poor SOB.)
Y.N., New Shittim, PA

Dear Sirs: Never mind debate “style.” What about moral leadership? What about character? Did you ever think about that? Did you?

Who do you want in the White House—a guy who won three Purple Hearts in Viet Nam, and has still got a piece of shrapnel in his leg—or a guy who used family political connections to wriggle out of combat duty like a little worm, using a term of service in the National Guard as a way to get out of fighting for his country overseas. And he even went AWOL from that! Deserted, just walked away when it suited him, the commanders at his Alabama unit said he never showed up. Are you going trust a guy like that with the leadership of the United States? He’s nothing more or less than a cheesy, cowardly hypocritical little liar--

Wait a minute. My wife has just told me that I’ve got something mixed up here. Please hold off on printing this until I get this straightened out.
V.G., Bad Knees, MO

William Prendergast is the author of the crime thriller “Forbidden Hollywood” and he just finished watching the Vice Presidential debates. Cheney did not use any profanity this time.