Sunday, March 13, 2005

Minnesota: Column Q and A with Senator Sue Dough Kristian

The Stillwater Gazette is pleased to welcome Senator Sue Dough Kristian to the pages of this publication. The Senator is a prominent Minnesota legislator who represents the “new breed” of pseudo-Christian politicians that are taking control of our state and nation.

Hi! It’s me! Hello from the state capitol! Do you love Jesus? Well, you better, cause He loves you. Yes, even you Jews and gays. It’s true!

Since this column is supposed to be a sort of “get-to-know-me” kind of thingie, I decided to give you a little info about myself and my policies in a sort of a “question-and-answer” format.

Obviously the questions below aren’t real questions from real people. I just did what some other columnists do and made up a bunch of questions that I felt like answering (and then put them in bold so it looks as if they’re real questions that real people really asked me.) This kind of format means that I don’t have to waste a lot of time pretending to answer questions that I won’t answer anyway. So here goes:

Dear Senator Sue: I applaud your stand on protecting moral values. Keep up the good work!

Well, what a nice beginning to a Q-and-A session! Thank you! As we all know from the last election, protecting “moral values” is a top priority for me and my party (the Republican Party). The GOP is the party of family values and moral values. That’s why I support my party and its current leader, Governor Tim Pawlenty, because we are the party of morality, pledged to keep vice away from Minnesota families.

Dear Senator Sue: How are Governor Pawlenty and the “party of moral values” going to resolve Minnesota’s budget deficit?

By bringing in casino gambling. We’re going to start exploiting the disease of local gambling addicts and the incomes of their co-dependant family members. Then we’ll use the suckers’ family milk money to finance our own deficit spending, so we can borrow still more and go even deeper into the red. Next question, please.

Dear Senator Sue: I want to be just like you when I grow up. I notice that you began your marvelous political career as an attorney. Where did you get your law degree?

I got my law degree from a school founded by a TV faith-healer. It was not accredited by the American Bar Association at the time I attended, but then they managed to sell themselves to a much richer TV preacher and now they’re on their feet again. I will not tell you the name of school because it has had a lot of legal troubles and its name has changed a number of times over the years and may do so again before I finish this letter.

Dear Senator Sue: What is your legislative strategy for this year?

The same as it’s been ever since I entered politics: to keep coming up with pointless, idiotic legislation that wastes the time of the other legislators, holds up vital local projects, but appeals to my angry, paranoid voting base. That way, my core constituents know that I’m in there making sure that all their irrational fear, bigotry and hatred is being well represented in St. Paul by yours truly. This formula has always worked for me in the past, and I’m betting it will in the future!

Let’s face it; addressing the very real day-to-day concerns of the people in your legislative district—that’s strictly “yawnsville.” You don’t get national headlines by making sure the schools of Stillwater are receiving adequate state funding, you get national headlines by yelling about how gay marriage is the end of civilization as we know it! Trust me, I know! I rocketed past many senior GOP colleagues and into my party’s top ranks in just a couple of years--by ignoring local issues in my district and engaging in the cheapest and most divisive kind of demagoguery. That is the essence of pseudo-Christian politics.

Dear Senator Sue: Do you hate homosexuals?

WHAT?! Who told you that? I LOOOVVVE homosexuals! I’m just NUTS about ‘em! I could just EAT ‘EM UP! I’m KERR-AZZY about homosexuals! It’s my duty as a pseudo-Christian to love homosexuals! (But you must remember: when a pseudo-Christian says that he “loves” a certain “type” of sinner, what the pseudo-Christian means is that he loves that sinner so much that he hopes that sinner “gets to heaven” even before he does.)

But I will continue to do everything to oppose gay marriage, because the idea of sustained homosexual monogamy is an abomination. Also, legalized gay marriage would devalue my own marriage and those of my fellow pseudo-Christians. How? Can you imagine how embarrassing it will be if gay marriages are permitted and their divorce rate turns out to be lower than that of heterosexual married pseudo-Christians? Talk about devaluation! We’ve already got a higher divorce rate than the agnostics and atheists, do you think we want gays beating our record on this marriage covenant thing, too?

I love homosexuals so much that I even proposed that the Republican Party replace its current symbol (the elephant) with a new symbol instead: the male homosexual. The male homosexual is a better symbol of the way you Republican voters feel about the party--because the male homosexual is living proof that some people will love, respect, and support someone who is doing them up the butt on a daily basis.

Senator Sue Dough Kristian does not really exist. She was made up by Gazette columnist Bill Prendergast for satirical purposes, and any resemblance to any actual person in our state government is entirely in your own mind.

(Originally published in the Stillwater Gazette circa March 13 2005. This is the unedited version, parts of which were deemed unfit for publication in a family newspaper. Good call by the editor, I might add.)