International: Why US Economy Is The Envy Of The World
Bush says US economy remains envy of world Sat Jul 15, 10:26 AM ET
ST. PETERSBURG, Russia - President Bush, in Russia for a meeting of the world's economic powers, on Saturday credited his "pro-growth policies" for new U.S. budget deficit figures that are lower than earlier estimates.
"By pursuing pro-growth policies and restraining government spending, we will keep our economy the envy of the world," Bush said in his weekly radio address.
The 38th Annual Congress of Envious World Leaders had gathered together in the bar after a particularly depressing meeting. Once again, the United States of America had swept “The Most Envied Economy” category.
“Wow! From a balanced-a budget under Clinton to trillions of dollars inna da hole in just-a six years!” said Prime Minister Berlusconi of Italy. “And dey brag about da economia, and Bush, he get-a re-elected! How do-a Americano conservatives do it?” He raised his Campari: “To da Americano conservatives! Dey make-a da Italiano bankers look-a like-a amateurs!” He dashed his empty glass in the fireplace and put his head down on the bar, sobbing.
“In America, the price of a gallon of gasoline doubled in just a couple of years, it’s still rising,” muttered Kim Jong-Il, staring into his gin and tonic. “The conservatives who rule do nothing to help their people—and millions of voters still support them! I wish I knew their secret, man. When I screw up North Korea’s economy, I have to lay out millions for secret police protection just to stay in power. I wish I had an economy like America’s, where people still support me when I double the price of gas.” He shook his head sadly.
“Last year US go three hundred billion dollars in the hole. They gonna go another $296 billion dollars in the hole for this year, too--and Bush on radio bragging about it?” complained Prime Minister Aziz of Pakistan. “If I go $296 billion dollars in the hole at the end of the fiscal year, generals come to shoot me. How come big dummy like Bush get economy where it okay to go $300 billion in the hole every year, and I get economy where if I go twenty dollars in the hole, wife send me out to sleep on couch?”
“Ha! That nothing!” said Koizumi of Japan. “Don’t get me started with American conservatives, man! You get me started, I go all night long! And people vote for dese guys cause dey say they gonna BALANCE DA BUDGET.”
“Bush just raise their debt ceiling to NINE TRILLION DOLLARS!” shouted General Than Shwe of Myanmar, dancing around the bar in anger, shaking his fist. “Claim no tax hike, but American taxpayer got to pay nine trillion back with taxes, like under Bush daddy and Clinton! How come Bush and conservatives get away with that, me can’t even get check cashed at Bank of Nyaypyidaw drive-through window without two pieces photo I.D.!”
“Problem relatively simple,” said President Hu of the People’s Republic of China. He said this quietly, after taking a sip from his Tsingtao.
“Ah, you always say problem simple, goddamn Communist--” snarled Koizumi, reaching for peanuts. “What you at this conference for? You not envious of America, American conservatives borrowing all the money from your country! American conservatives borrowing hundreds of billions from Communist China, you not envious, you sitting pretty, got USA by the balls--and Bush say is great conservative economy, ha!—“
“Nevertheless, we are envious,” said Hu. “Problem is that in our nations we do not have large numbers of citizens so stupid and angry so as to support insane conservative economic policy. But plenty of stupid angry people in America; millions in fact. American conservative leaders very clever; find stupidest of Americans, “educate” these to think that whatever crap conservatives produce is “great economy.” Never mind that tax burden shifted from rich to working families. Never mind fact that stupid people will be taxed hardest to pay back for what conservatives borrow today.”
“Will not work in my country! No Japanese so stupid as to buy that!” snapped Koizumi.
“But plenty of Americans that stupid,” replied Hu. “Millions and millions of stupid, angry Americans support Bush while he fuck them. Continue to vote for Republicans, listen to Rush, vote to bankrupt own country—and call this ‘patriotism,’ ‘conservatism.’”
“And that is what I envy,” Hu sighed, peeling at the label of his beer bottle. “To rule a nation with such a large number of stupid people! So many stupid people that one could go on the radio, nine trillion dollars in hole, gas price doubled, and brag about how great my economy is!”
Hu sighed. “That is truly enviable.”