Pentagon To Homosexuals: Get Well Soon, Or Else

“A Pentagon document classifies homosexuality as a mental disorder, decades after mental health experts abandoned that position.

The document outlines retirement or other discharge policies for service members with physical disabilities, and in a section on defects lists homosexuality alongside mental retardation and personality disorders.”

So what? When I was a little kid we were taught that homosexuals were sick; why should that become untrue simply because the medical and psychiatric professions abandoned that view more than thirty years ago? Isn’t the officer at the Pentagon who wrote that document entitled to have his own opinion, even if it is a minority opinion? I suppose the author's career will soon be brought to a close; another victim of the current vogue for “medical correctness.”

Anyway, it’s not like there’s some kind of stigma attached to homosexuality anymore. Even prominent American conservatives may have this awful “disease.” (The vice-president's daughter is a chronic sufferer.) A surprisingly high number of “afflicted” right-wing politicians, lobbyists, and pundits are subject to “attacks of homosexuality” while hanging around bars in Washington, D.C. Many of these unfortunates meet in the bushes at night in public parks seeking "treatment." Some of them may even suffer a "relapse" in a men’s restroom later the same evening.

The first step towards helping these poor people is to acknowledge that they are sick and we are not. Then we can round them up and put them in some kind of institution where they could get some help, for God’s sake. Electro-shock therapy, like they used to do to gays in the early Sixties.

Still--readers should note that the Pentagon can be idiosyncratic in its health policies, and sometimes diagnoses diseases that are not recognized by the medical community at large.

For example, the Pentagon has identified a condition known as “negro-itis,” a syndrome which causes soldiers to have “darker skin than normal.” The disease is not found in standard medical works, but a soldier suffering from advanced “negro-itis” is often deemed unfit for promotion. The only known treatment is transfer to combat duty. The Pentagon also recognizes a related complaint called “hispan-itis” in military personnel of Latino descent.

Another ailment regularly diagnosed by the Pentagon but not by the medical community is “vaginism,” a birth disorder that causes the victim to be born without a penis. The sufferer’s private parts invert inwards instead of extending outwards like a man’s. Such a person is therefore congenitally ineligible for any position of serious responsibility in the Armed Forces, although they may be permitted to perform secretarial duties around the office and make coffee. Soldiers with “vaginism” may also suffer from a feeling of being grabbed around the behind and breasts by officers who do not have the syndrome, and an occasional feeling of helplessness.