National: Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot Who Can't Get It Up

Here’s the story; and here is the background that matters: Rush was getting high for years, doing his show while he was on tens of thousands of dollars worth of illegally obtained narcotics. He was busted, and prosecutors claimed that the conservative hero had illegally deceived multiple doctors so he could receive overlapping painkiller prescriptions. Last month the authorities agreed to defer the criminal charge of “doctor shopping” if Limbaugh was not arrested for any similar infraction for 18 months.

But now Rush has been busted for possession of Viagra.

I will omit the obvious round of Rush-needs-Viagra jokes here; there are too many comics and web sites who will be doing that this week. It’s not funny; I myself am at an age when I can barely raise the Viagra up to my lips. I’m in my late forties; in my youth I was a wild stallion--but these days, every time I get an erection the statue at the Lincoln Memorial can be seen standing up and taking a bow out of respect.

The funny thing to me is the claim that his physician wouldn’t put the Viagra prescription in Rush’s real name because he wanted to save the patient some embarrassment. Save him “embarrassment?” It’s the top story on the Internet, for Christ’s sakes! Why didn’t you just prescribe the guy a neon sign? “CAN’T—GET—IT—UP!”

And why did they hold Rush “three hours” over a bottle of Viagra? Maybe Customs held him for three hours because he couldn’t get it DOWN. Maybe he popped a couple of those babies on the plane, and Customs officials pulled him over because he had a “visible” when he “walked kind of funny” into the airport--and then they were afraid to “release him back into the community” again until he was “calmed down,” three hours later.

Or maybe he was just “mouthin’ ” to the Customs guys about how “this was an outrage” and “I’m a big star” and “I’ll sue you sons-of-bitches!” That’s always a mistake, folks—especially when you got a bottle of misdemeanor Viagra in your bag in violation of your plea bargain. “Mouthin’ “ at Customs officers is a sure-fire way for Rush to get hauled off and end up with a rubber-gloved finger up his ass in cold back room. And him with an artificial hard-on at the time! What a MORTIFYING image! And I bet they confiscated his Cuban cigars, too.

Of course these are just theories. But here is some commentary, and a mystery for you to solve:

Rush Limbaugh (October 5th, 1995) on people who violate drug laws: "Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. ... And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up…"

Of course Rush wasn’t talking about illegal Viagra—no, he was talking about hard drugs, the kind of narcotics that he was doing in secret for years.

Now here’s the mystery. My understanding is that Limbaugh, who’s been divorced three times, has been single since 2004.

Which leads to the next question: even if he can’t get it up anymore, what does he need the Viagra FOR?

We must infer that America’s most prominent conservative is currently screwing someone. (Besides his regular listeners, I mean.)

He was coming back from a vacation in the Dominican Republic with a bottle of Viagra. So we can infer three things: he was there for the beach, the golf--and to get laid. The guy’s fifty-five years old, tells us every day that’s he’s a conservative, and he’s been preaching the conservative gospel of personal responsibility and self-control on his hit radio show for decades (even when he was high on drugs.)

Most significantly, he claims to be a true believer in “abstinence and responsibility in all matters involving sexual activity.” (That’s a quote from a profile of Limbaugh by New York Times reporter that appeared in Cigar Aficionado.)

So what’s the deal--is El Rushbo fornicating, while telling others not to? “Getting some” without benefit of holy matrimony? With who? Somebody please explain how this is consistent with the “principles” of the American right.

Otherwise I fear I will never understand how this conservatism thing is supposed to work in the real world we all live in.