Stillwater: Applying For City Council

Everybody always lookin’ out for da big dog, your main man, Billy P. One of my home boys plugged me in to the word on the street—they lookin’ for a new City Councilmember for Stillwater. So, in case my application to the School Board don’t pan out, I’m filing this as a back up, and that way all Billy P’s traps are “set,” waitin’ to spring, knowhutI’msayin’?

CITY OF STILLWATER
APPLICATION OF INTEREST
FOR APPOINTMENT TO CITY COUNCIL, WARD 2
DEADLINE: NOON, FRIDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2006
Name: _William Prendergast_______________________________
Address: _none a yo' mo'fo' business, you keep your junk mail__________
Home Telephone: __don’t give that out, either___
Work Telephone: __unemployed________
How long have you lived in the City of Stillwater? __too damn long__
How long have you lived in Ward 2? _not sure if I do_______ Yrs/Mo.

1. Why do you want to be a Councilmember for the City of Stillwater?

I heard if I get to be a city Councilmember, I get to decide where everyone else is going to live and get down with the hot tips on which parts of town are slated for development so I can tell my boys how to cut thesselves in on a a piece of dat. And I would like have the juice to veto restaurant applications to have outdoor tables and all dat shit, have all those guys kissing my white ass and so forth so they can hang their muthafuckin' restaurant sign, knowwhutI'msayin? Also—is it for real that if you’re a city Councilmember, you get a free jacket with your name sewn on it in cursive lettering on the front (in my case “Billy P”, with two l’s, capital P) and with the words “CITY COUNCILMEMBER” (“councilmember” is one word, you dogs think so?) in block cap letters on the back? Cause I am so down with dat.

2. What Stillwater community activities are you currently involved or have you been involved? Please include any offices you held.

Vice President, Stillwater Sunday Nite Liberal Circle-Jerk.
Grand Pooh-bah, Loyal Order of Telescopic Booty-licious Girl Watchers.
President, America’s Next Top Model Fan Club, Stillwater Chapter.


3. Describe any previous experience you have that is similar to serving on a representative or elected body.

Similar experience to bein' an elected official? I was a junkie, man, livin' out on da street sellin' my white ass to make the rent. How you like dat for "a similar experience?"

4. What do you think are the two most important issues for the City of Stillwater and why?

1) We gots to get some pay hikes for city Councilmembers.
2) Downtown traffic. We ain't down wit no more congestion, we gots to shag some bricks or some shit at cars with out of state license plates that get jammed up and shit at traffic lights during rush hour, and then get our City Councilmember asses outta there, and fast, my brothers.

5. What do you think are the two most important issues to the residents in Ward 2?

a. We got to find out exactly where Ward 2 is.
b. We got to make us a pre-emptive strike to stop Ward 3’s muthafuckin' “Weapons of Mass Destruction” program. That's some nasty shit they got goin on over there.

6. If appointed to the City Council, what would you like to accomplish for the remainder of the term (2007 and 2008)?

--We need to change some terminology: no more “city Councilmember”; let’s make it “City Council Member.”
--Fire the muthafucking cops who gave me tickets over the last six years.
--Rezone any whiny ass neighbors’ homes as “wetlands.”
--No more “pussy” bands at Lumberjack Days. Fifty Cent!! Fifty Cent!!
--start City Council newsletter for paid subscribers/real estate speculators—“Hot Insider Real Estate Tips From Your Local City Councilmember, or Council Member!” Cost to “subscribers” per issue: $20,000. (Get where I’m goin’ with this, boys? Wink wink, get us some of that dead Presidents action, knowhutI'msayin'?.)

7. Describe any other relevant information you would like the City Council to know.

--Two inches soft, twelve inches hard. Tattoo on the underside say “zoom!” or “zooooooooooooooooom!,” dependin' on my "mood."
--If I don’t get this job, lotta of bad things gonna start happening to a lot of innocent people—KnowwhatI'msayin'? Sniff, sniff—anybody else smell smoke?


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