"Wile E. John McCain...Super Genius...I like the way that rolls out...Wile E. John McCain...Sooooooper Genius"

June 24, 2007

Presidential hopeful drops campaign staff as Republican consultants predict he'll be gone by September
Sarah Baxter
June 24, 2007

Presidential hopeful drops campaign staff as Republican consultants predict he'll be gone by September...

What went wrong? It is now time to step back and take the long view of what this candidate, John McCain (McCainius Ambitius) could have done differently in order to successfully capture his prey, the Presidency (Whiteus Houseious Delicious.)

McCain began his campaign strategy out in the vast, empty reaches of his beloved Arizona desert. And he began it inauspiciously, by mail-ordering the Acme “Staking Out The “Continue The War In Iraq” Issue As His Single Most Identifiable Issue” Rocket. McCain tinkered away, giggling in a sinister fashion to himself as he assembled the rocket in accordance with its complicated blueprint. After completing it and the accompanying launching track, he climbed on top of rocket and strapped on his World War One ace flying helmet and goggles. As the poll numbers zipped by him, McCain struck a match and lit the fuse of the rocket, which instantly exploded beneath him, reducing his body to a “burnt match”-like crisp (except for his bloodshot eyeballs and World War One ace flying helmet and goggles.) Then the burnt match crumbled away in his hand. Then his “burnt match”-like crisped body fell away, except for the bloodshot eyeballs and World War One ace flying helmet and goggles, which hung in the air momentarily. Then these, too, fell to the ground.

McCain’s next attempt involved the Acme “Media Photo Op In The Baghdad Market Wearing a Bullet Proof Jacket Guarded by An Escort of Attack Helicopters, Sniper Teams, Combat Humvees And One Hundred Troops To Show How Safe It Is In Baghdad Now Thanks To The Surge You Proposed” Atomic Jet Skates
These proved to be powerful and effective tools for “picking up speed” in the media. Indeed, they were too powerful; they ultimately proved too difficult for McCain to control. McCain found himself hurtling past his target at an incredible speed and striking a canyon wall. Ironically, the rocketing McCain had thought it would be safe to “go through” this canyon wall because he had previously painted a scene on it with a can of Acme “Miss Five Key War Votes In the Senate” False Tunnel With Phony Perspective Camouflage Paint. But McCain struck the wall at maximum speed: the jet skates exploded and the impact of the collision was such that a dazed and seriously injured McCain walked away from the scene with his body opening and compressing like an accordion.

But McCain was not to be deterred. Recovering as quickly as possible, he ordered up a new tactic, one that relied on use of the Acme “Singing “Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb-Bomb Iran” To The Tune of Beach Boys’ ‘Barbara Ann’ At A Press Conference” Bat-Wings-and-Giant-Elastic-Rubber-Band-Launcher. A detailed description of how this plan worked out is simply too painful to recount here. Suffice it to say that several rock precipices and outcroppings were struck, some in very close proximity to the candidate, and that several were struck repeatedly (on the rebound.)

There were many more such incidents, and it is hard to pinpoint exactly where things went wrong with these particular tactics. But given the success of his strategy in the election, we may be grateful that McCain is unlikely to become responsible for strategy in Iraq after 2008. And our last image of the McCain campaign is a memorable one: the candidate himself, photographed from above, waving goodbye to us with a dour, resigned sort of expression his face as he falls from yet another precipice, descending, ever descending to that eerie, whistling sound (as if a bomb was being dropped,) growing smaller as he grows more distant (for the fall is very, very long indeed)—until all we see of him is a tiny, dusty “poof!” as he hits the canyon floor.