Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Is that REALLY bin Laden in that new Al-Qaeda video?

That can't be real, that tape of bin Laden that's out on the web, now:

Osama bin Laden Appears in 'New' Al-Qaeda Video
Sunday July 15, 2007
CityNews.ca Staff

A new videotaped message purportedly from Osama bin Laden has surfaced on a radical Islamist website...

...Bin Laden was last heard from in a July 1, 2006, audio tape in which he voiced support for the new leader of al-Qaida in Iraq and warned countries not to send troops to fight a hardline Islamic regime that had recently seized power in Somalia.

Officials are trying to verify the authenticity of the tape.

Yeah, well there are some questions about the authenticity of the tape. There are always questions about the authenticity of a bin Laden tape. The White House and Defense Department spend billions of dollars on intelligence every year, and Rumsfeld used to joke about how he didn’t know whether bin Laden was dead or alive. I didn’t think that was funny; we’re paying you to kill bin Laden, you schmuck and you’re up there joking about how you don’t know whether he’s dead or alive? Get out, you’re fired, asshole.

Anyway, the new bin Laden tape is kind of suspect. It looks more like someone’s audition tape than Islamic radicalism, but you be the judge.

(bin Laden emeges from behind flap of tent, to huge applause and music from the band. He nods, smiles, “salutes” band leader, then makes a little “cut-throat” gesture to band leader to kill the music.)

Bin Laden: Thank you. Thank you, ladies and germs, you’re very kind. And may the Bird of Paradise spread its wings in your fox-hole! (laugh track)

Seriously though, it’s fantastic to be back here again in—(thinks, then mouths silently to bandleader: “Where the hell are we?”, gets answer looks back)—“undisclosed.” (laugh track) Always a pleasure, but the weather is really something, I tell you it was cold last night, very cold...brrr...


Bin Laden:
It was so cold that the hostages from Southern California had TWO sweaters tied around there necks. (laugh track, bin Laden tags it with:) Why do they do that? What does that MEAN, tying a sweater around your neck instead of wearing it? What is THAT all about?...(looks at crowd) Okay...that joke’s over, I guess—well, moving along...(someone applauds)...oh, thank you very much, sir. Now I finally know what it means to be loved. (laugh track) Anyway—I performed in Baghdad last week, and I have to say--I went over big with that crowd, very big, I killed ‘em, ladies and gentlemen. (pause) No, I mean—I killed ‘em! Really! (laugh track) But it’s true, I am very big in Baghdad these days. Very big, they love me there. When I got in at the airport, the Americans sent a big limo to get me. (pause) I got out of the way just in time! (laugh track, he wipes forehead, “whew!” gesture.) Well, that’s enough of this hilarity, eh? We gotta great show for you tonight, our guests are my good friend Charles Manson, the lovely and talented Winona Ryder, and George W. Bush—(snaps fingers) oh, that’s right, he can’t make it, he hasn’t been able to find his way here for six years. (laugh track) (bin Laden waves to camera) Hello, dummy, wherever you are! Anyway, we’ll be back after these messages...

(Band strikes up with theme song, applause, bin Laden blows kisses to the audience, thanks them, pantomimes pulling pin out of hand grenade with his teeth and tossing it into audience, pantomimes 747 hitting side of building, crowd goes wild, bin Laden bows.)




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