Economy: The World's Best Jobs

Here we go again: another story that rates different kinds of jobs--and another washout performance by the media. This list—presented on the Internet as “The Sixteen Best Jobs”—is even more uninspired than the “List of the Ten Most Dangerous Jobs” discussed here a few days back. Look at these career paths they claim are “the best jobs”:

1. Audiologist. Selling people hearing aids. That’s the number one “best job”, according to this list. Yeah, that’s what every little American boy and girl dreams of growing up and doing—spending the rest of their working life yelling “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?” at customers.
2. Optometrist. Another fascinating career. Listening to people misread eye charts all day and then trying not to laugh while they try on different kinds of ugly frames.
3. Veterinarian. Every morning you’ll wake up and say to yourself: “Oh, boy!
Another day chock full of suffering animals!”
4. Professor. Oh, yeah, who’d want to be a movie star or a billionaire software entrepreneur, when you could be a teacher at a university and pull down all the big bucks they make? In a decade or two you might even be able to move out of your van and into an apartment. If you publish. And just think about all the respect our culture shows the teaching profession! Become a college professor, get yourself a piece of THAT action! Yeah, go in to any four star restaurant in the country and tell ‘em you’re a professor, that’ll getcha a good table—mm-hm! And you know how them supermodels just line up for them perfessor-men! Whew!
5. Librarian—oh, I can’t do this one, it’s just too cruel. In fact, I can’t keep on presenting this list, it’s a terrible list of terrible jobs. These are not the best jobs, they’re not even good jobs. (For the record, the original list was compiled by a guy who writes for U.S. News and World Report. Apparently working for U.S. News and World Report sucks so bad that the writers over there daydream about being audiologists.)

But you want a real list of the best jobs? Here you go:

Movie Star. Absolutely the best job. You don’t even have to be able to act. You don’t have to be able to do anything. You just stand there most of the time, like a security guard, except you’re being filmed and paid tens of millions of dollars. Or you wait in your trailer and get paid tens of millions for that. All you have to do is just show up to work, high, with a personal assistant. You don’t even have to be on time; hey--they can’t start without you, right? When you do show up, yell at everyone you see and threaten or punch anyone who tries to take your picture. Then go and sit in your trailer again and refuse to come out until everyone apologizes to you for their lack of professionalism. Then a reporter comes in to record you bitching and moaning about your life and how there’s no good scripts for you. It’s great.

National Security Adviser to Bush Administration. Good money, and there’s practically no way you can fuck up so long as you remember to keep your lips firmly planted on the President’s behind. You can ignore terrorism so completely that you end up losing the World Trade Center and so much of the Pentagon that it looks like a Quadragon—and still no one will hold you accountable, let alone fire you. In fact, you’ll be promoted to Secretary of State.

Rock Star. Not as cool a job as it used to be, but easier than ever. All you have to do is be under twenty-four years old, get out some of your mom’s old vinyl albums, rip off the “sound” of one of those old bands (doesn’t matter which one), pretend like it was your idea, get some morons to play behind you, get a stupid hair cut and stay skinny—and bingo, you’re a multi-millionaire, congratulations. Remember to look depressed and to say something about the rain forest, or Africa.

Big businessman. Ship American jobs overseas, and get a multi-million dollar bonus for doing that. Fire entire unions by closing down manufacturing in the US, and get another multi-million dollar bonus for doing that. Encourage long-time employees to quit by reneging on their pensions, and get a multi-million-jillion dollar bonus for that. Then tell the government they can’t raise your taxes or you will stop “creating jobs.”

Television/Media Evangelist. You don’t have to make sense, you don’t even have to be coherent, you can threaten foreign heads of state with death or mortal illness, you can threaten anyone who disagrees with you with hell, you can even claim that you know Jesus Christ personally--and your audience will not only believe you, they’ll send you money! Millions and millions! For nothing! Tax-free! (Downside: You will have to wear a powder blue suit and blow-dry your hair.)

Republican U.S. President. You can do hard drugs for years and desert the military, none of that matters: you’ll still get nominated if your family can raise four hundred million dollars. Once you’re in office, there’s only two things you have to do to stay there: 1) keep one half of America thinking that the other half of America is un-American, and 2) say you’re against raising taxes (actually raising taxes is okay, so long as you keep saying you won’t raise them.) Doing anything else is okay, you’ll get away with it, whatever it is, no problem: making big government bigger, spying on Americans without a warrant, smearing war heroes, telling the world America can’t win the war on terrorism, weakening the economy to the point where it depends on loans from Red China, spending future generations’ tax dollars like a lunatic, invading other countries for no reason, lying, killing tens of thousands of people--none of that will count against you in the eyes of Republican voters. Great job.