National: The Text of "The Republican Contract With Jack Abramoff"

I mentioned the existence of the following document in a previous post and thought that you folks might like to look it over. It was apparently based on the more famous Republican “Contract With America”, which received wide publicity when leader Tom DeLay and GOP colleagues were running as “reformers of government.” The “Contract With America” was touted by a new breed of citizen-statesmen like DeLay, who promised to clean up Congress’ act, politically and ethically.

Reviews of the original Contract’s “reform” of Washington were mixed at best. Most of the legislation and reforms in the Contract never became law; but the voters didn’t seem to hold that against proponents of the Contract and they remain the majority party to this very day.

But the following contract, apparently made in secret around the same time by those same GOP reformers, was wildly successful and was apparently still in effect until late last year, when law enforcement officials around the country discovered its existence and began to investigate its provisions.


REPUBLICAN CONTRACT WITH JACK ABRAMOFF

As Republican Members of the House of Representatives and as citizens seeking to join that body we propose not just to change its policies toward Jack Abramoff, but even more important, to restore the bonds of trust between Jack Abramoff and America’s elected representatives.

That is why, in this era of official evasion and posturing, we offer instead a detailed agenda for our own financial renewal, a written commitment to Jack Abramoff with no fine print.

This year's election offers the chance, after decades of one-party graft, to bring to the House a new majority that will transform the way Congress gets extra spending money. That historic change would be the end of government that is too big, too intrusive, too anti-Jack Abramoff. It can be the beginning of a Congress that respects the values and shares the wealth of Jack Abramoff.

Like Lincoln, our first Republican president, we intend:
To act "with firmness in the right,” as Jack defines “right.”
To restore the accountability of Congress to Jack Abramoff.
To end its cycle of scandal and disgrace, except with Jack Abramoff and anybody Jack says is okay.
To make us all proud again of the way Jack Abramoff uses Congress to govern a free people.

On the first day of Congress, the new Republican majority will immediately pass the following major reforms, aimed at restoring the faith and trust of Jack Abramoff in this government:


FIRST, require all laws that apply to the rest of the country also apply equally to the Congress but not necessarily to Jack Abramoff;
SECOND, select a major, independent auditing firm to conduct a comprehensive audit of Congress for waste, fraud or abuse of all that money that Jack Abramoff gives us on the sly;
THIRD, cut the number of House committees, and cut committee staff by one-third, so Jack Abramoff does not have to “take care of” so many people.
FOURTH, limit the terms of all committee chairs in case any of them happens to piss off Jack Abramoff;
FIFTH, ban the casting of proxy votes in committee unless Jack Abramoff says “HEY! I feel like having a proxy vote in committee! Let’s GO!”;
SIXTH, require committee meetings to be open to the public unless Jack Abramoff wants to meet them in private to give them free Super Bowl tickets or something;
SEVENTH, require a three-fifths majority vote to pass a tax increase on any person whose initials are “J.A.” and whose last name rhymes with “Schmabramoff”;
EIGHTH, guarantee an honest accounting of our debt to Jack Abramoff by implementing zero base-line budgeting for free luxury golfing vacations in Scotland, food and liquor in four star restaurants, and the millions of dollars worth of other stuff that Jack Abramoff will give to us in return for our secret cooperation with Jack Abramoff.

Thereafter, within the first 100 days of Congress, we shall bring to the House Floor the following agreements, and then carry them across the House Floor and into a back room with no windows and a sound-proofed door, where each of these agreements will be given full and open debate in complete privacy, each to be given a clear and fair up-or-down vote by Jack Abramoff, and each to be immediately available this day for Jack Abramoff’s inspection and scrutiny.

1. THE FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY AGREEMENT: To restore the fiscal responsibility of an out- of-control Congress to Jack Abramoff, members of Congress would be required to live under the same budget constraints as anyone on a Congressman’s salary who also accepts campaign contributions, cash, and valuable prizes from Jack Abramoff.

2. THE TAKING BACK OUR STREETS AGREEMENT: An anti-crime package which would officially sign over all the streets in America to Jack Abramoff and allow Jack Abramoff to repossess (or “take back”) our streets if any Republican Member of Congress ever even tries to go back on his word to Jack Abramoff.

3. THE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY AGREEMENT: Every Republican Member of this Congress shall be personally responsible to Jack Abramoff if that Member takes so much as one nickel of Jack’s money, or so much as one nickel from any of Jack’s “people.”

4. THE FAMILY REINFORCEMENT AGREEMENT: We agree with Jack Abramoff that it would actually reinforce our families if we occasionally used our spouses and kids as bag men to pick up “contributions” sent to us by Jack, because this would expose our spouses and kids to potential criminal liability, too, thus discouraging them from ever talking to the press or the law.

5. THE AMERICAN DREAM RESTORATION AGREEMENT: We of the Republican Congress agree with Jack Abramoff that we shall do business with him until we are all rich and happy and restored more-or-less permanently to office after every election, and that this happens to be our particular American dream.

6. THE NATIONAL SECURITY RESTORATION AGREEMENT: This is a cover name for some influence-peddling deal Jack has going with his Indian casino clients; we don’t really understand it, but if it’s okay with Jack, it’s okay with us.

7. THE SENIOR CITIZENS FAIRNESS AGREEMENT: We agree that in return for all the money and stuff that Jack is giving us now, it is only fair that we remain loyal to Jack
Abramoff until we have all served so many terms in Congress that we are senior citizens.

8. THE JOB CREATION AND WAGE ENHANCEMENT AGREEMENT: Mandates creation of jobs for friends of Jack Abramoff, in return for which Jack Abramoff will enhance our wages again.

9. THE COMMON SENSE LEGAL REFORM AGREEMENT: If Jack Abramoff ever gets in trouble with the law for all the money he is slipping to us in secret, we agree that we shall give Jack Abramoff statutory legal authority to use his own “common sense” to decide whether he is innocent or guilty, and, should he find himself guilty, he will use that same “common sense” to determine how and when he will “reform” himself “legally.”

10. THE CITIZEN’S LEGISLATURE AGREEMENT: We agree that this Republican Congress is a citizen’s legislature, and that citizen is: Jack Abramoff.

Further, we will instruct the House Budget Committee to report to the floor and do a little dance for the entertainment of Jack Abramoff any time he likes, especially when he’s feeling a bit “blue” and needs some cheering up.

Respecting the judgment of our friend Jack as we seek his mandate for collecting our piece of the pie, we hereby pledge our names to this Contract with Jack Abramoff.