Iraq: Well, It's Official--We're Negotiating With Terrorists

Yup. Surprise announcement from Condoleeza Rice today--we're going to be negotiating with Iran and Syria about Iraq. Last time we heard from Rice on the subject--in January of this year--she was telling America that "those who talk about engagement with Syria and Iran" were all wet. "That's not diplomacy -- that's extortion," she said.

But now that principle is gone, too--we're gonna have a sit-down with the extortionist murderers. Boy, how’d you like to be a fly-on-the-wall for those meetings?

Iraq: First of all, I would like to thank all of the parties for agreeing to attend.
Bush Admin: Thank you.
Iran:(lighting a cigar) My pleasure.
Syria: Yeah…
Bush Admin: These are of course, only preliminary meetings, we will be setting parameters for future talks—Wait a minute, where are you going?
Iran: Well, we ain’t interested in no “preliminary meetings,” see? We came here to talk business, you wanna talk business, we stay, you wanna do this “preliminary” bullshit—bye-bye.
Syria: Yeah…
Bush Admin: But you can’t just unilaterally decide to terminate--
Iran: Well, the way we figure it, you guys must be pretty hard up if you’re willing to eat shit publicly in front of the entire world by having a sit-down with us. So here’s you’re “unilateral,” right here (grabs his crotch.) Call us when you decide to get serious.
Syria: Yeah…
Bush Admin: But—wait, wait. (caves) Please. Come back. We’ll talk business. Please…
(Iran looks disgusted, then looks at Syria, shrugs his shoulders. Then they sigh and sit down at the table again.)
Iraq: I think at this moment, my friends—
Bush Admin:(to Iraq) Shut up. (To Iran and Syria.) Okay. First off, we want to make it clear that we meant no disrespect—
Iran: No disrespect? Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me? What do we look like to you, a couple of fuckin’ punks?
Bush Admin: Now, now, we didn’t mean—
Iran: You didn’t mean no disrespect? For six years now you mutts have been shootin’ your big fat mouth off all over the world and talkin’ real big and tellin’ all your people that you don’t negotiate with terrorists—
Bush Admin: We are not negotiating with terrorists, we are merely—
Iran: You must have your head up your ass. We’re Iran, we practice terrorism, and you’re negotiating with us, right now. We practice terrorism, we’re practicing it right now in Iraq. Last month you sat down with the North Koreans, they practice terrorism. (to Syria) How about you, Syria, you practice terrorism?
Syria: Yeah…
Iran: So are we all on the same page now? We’re terrorist nations, we sponsor terrorism, we’re all terrorists on this side of the table—and you’re here to negotiate with us, right?
Bush Admin:(mopping its forehead) Yes…
Iran: What’s that? I couldn’t hear you. Say it louder.
Bush Admin: (louder) Yes.
Iran: Good. I just wanted to make sure we all understood that, before we started talkin’ serious. Because we don’t want you punkin’ out of any deal you came in to cut.
Bush Admin: We wouldn’t do that.
Iran: Oh, I know you wouldn’t do it. Cause you know what would happen, if you did that, don’t you?
Bush Admin: (whispers) Yes.
Iran: But I remember that back in 2002, in the Rose Garden, when Bush said: “No nation can negotiate with terrorists. For there is no way to make peace with those whose only goal is death.” You remember that, Syria?
Syria: Yeah…
Iran: You remember Bush sayin’ that, don’t you?
Bush Admin: Yeah…
Iran: And you remember when that little twerp, what’s his name, Bush’s press secretary—McClellan, when he told the reporters: “We do not negotiate with terrorists. We put them out of business.” Remember that?
Bush Admin: Yeah…
Iran: Well, it's four years later—and whaddya know. We’re still in business. And business--(take puff of cigar, blows out smoke ring)--is good.
Syria: Yeah…
Iran: You guys kill me. Fox News running headlines, “The US will not negotiate with terrorists.” Quoting Bush about how “we will not be intimidated by the brutal actions of these barbaric people.” July 10th, 2004. And now here you, are negotiating with us, us “brutal, barbaric people.” So I guess Bush got that wrong. Right?
Syria: Yeah…
Bush Admin: (softly) Yeah…
Iran: (mimicking) “Yeah.” And here’s something else he got wrong. “Death” ain’t our only goal. We came here to get something else. We’re gonna split up Iraq, between us, see?
Iraq: Now, wait wait wait a minute, this is not in the protocol—
Iran: Syria, this little mutt’s yapping is getting’ on my nerves. Put his head in the vice.
Syria: (giggles) Yeah…
Iraq: NO! NO! Wait! Help, Bush Administration, help! (head in vice) Oh! OH!
Iran: SHADDAP! Syria, you hear another peep out of the jerk, you squeeze the juice out of his head.
Syria: Yeah...
Iran: (pulls out map, puts it on the table, begins to mark off territories) Now let me tell you how it’s gonna be, Bush boy. Syria’s territory is the north west. I get the east, all the Shi’ite stuff. We had our eye on that stuff since 1980, and I want thank you Bush guys for arranging this little civil war for us, so we finally get it. You, if you’re reeeeal nice, get to keep to keep some oil wells, and maybe a belly dancer or two. And you get to say you “made peace,” before the next election. That’ll make you feel real good about yourself.
Bush Admin: Can—can I get a glass of water? I really need a glass of water right now.
Iran: No, you can’t have a glass of water, you little girl. But maybe Syria can squeeze you a little juice, how about it, Syria?
Syria: (giggles) Yeah.
(The rest is too awful to describe.)