Under A Bridge: Gingrich, Not the Chili Peppers

HEADLINE: Romney Tops Straw Poll of GOP Activists

(Scene: Under a bridge somewhere on the outskirts of Washington, D.C. The shared office of former GOP superstars Newt Gingrich and Tom DeLay. The office is an old cardboard shipping crate for “Contract With America” buttons, with “GINGRICH AND DELAY POLITICAL CONSULTING” spray painted on the side. Gingrich sits just inside the box with an old Hefty bag wrapped around him for warmth, shivering and shaking. He’s toasting a weenie on a stick over a small fire built out of old Clinton impeachment documents.)

Gingrich: G-g-goddam sons-of-b-b-b-bitches… I’ll sh-sh-show ‘em yet… I b-b-b-built the gggoddamn G. O. P-P… I’ll b-b-b-be b-ba-back on t-t-t-top…j-j-just wait and s-s-see…
(Drinks some Sterno out of a discarded tin can, then throws it away.)
(Gingrich’s partner, Tom DeLay, bursts on to the scene, waving a big manila envelope. DeLay is dressed like Gingrich, a thing of rags and patches, sole coming off one of his stolen shoes, clutching his own Hefty bag for warmth, needs a shave and a bath.)
DeLay: NEWT! NEWT! I got it! I got it! I got the results of the presidential contender’s straw poll at this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference.
Gingrich: It’s about time, what the hell took you so long?
DeLay: The cops spotted me, I had to dive into a dumpster behind a Chick-Fil-Lay restaurant and lay low til they was gone.
Gingrich: Goddamn flatfoots. Gimme that! (snatches envelope away from DeLay) And keep away from me, ya smell like a bucket of wings and old mayonnaise. (shaking envelope) Didja read it yet?
DeLay: Nah, I couldn’t, it was too dark in the dumpster.
Gingrich: How’d ya manage to get in the Conservative Political Action Conference, dressed like that?
DeLay: (proudly) I told ‘em I was from the Associated Press.
Gingrich: Quick thinkin’. But didn’t anybody recognize ya, once ya got inside?
DeLay: Yeah, but they pretended not to. Go on, open it, Newt, let’s see how you did!
Gingrich: Wait a minute…not so fast… I wanna savor this… I waited a loooong time for this, Tommy boy, I wanna make it last. This is gonna be sweet. The wheel of fortune turns, Tommy boy, and this year, the number’s come up “Gingrich!” Gimme some of that wine, it’s in the paper bag there…
DeLay: You think you got the conservative nod for the Republican nomination, Newt?
Gingrich: WHO ELSE? Who are they gonna go to, America’s conservatives? This is my year, Tommy, there ain’t another conservative in the whole field! McCain? He was the office joke when we were runnin’ Congress, the conservatives laughed at him and threw pennies at his head when he walked by in the halls. Liberal Republican candyass-- (mimics) “I was in a war, I fought for America”—
(DeLay giggles.)
Gingrich: The conservatives wouldn’t never give McCain the time of day.
DeLay: But Giuliani—
Gingrich: (does a spit take with the wine) Gah! Giuliani my ass! From NEW YORK? He’s a Republican Clinton, pro-abortion, doin’ photo ops with gays in a gold lame dress, showin’ up in public with his mistress! The conservatives got nowhere to go—they need a real conservative--and I’m the only one left! Me! Newt Gingrich! The Moses who led the GOP conservatives out of the wilderness and into the promised land in ’94, the vicious son of a bitch who takes no prisoners and demonizes liberals! (hands DeLay the envelope) Read me the results—I can’t focus me eyes after drinkin’ this stuff, I been cutting it with the Sterno…
DeLay: Okay, Newt—(takes envelope, opens it, then freezes, listening) Was that a police siren?
Gingrich: No, it wasn’t a police siren, ya yellow chicken shit! It was an alley cat goin after a rat. (shaking DeLay) Get a grip on yourself, ya little worm! This our moment! By this time next week we’ll be back on top, givin’ the orders again. They’ll be throwin dough at us, kissin’ our hairy asses again, now that the results of this poll are in!
DeLay: Okay…okay. (calming himself, reads) “Results of the Conservative Political Action Conference Straw Poll for Presidential Candidates—“
Gingrich: Skip that shit and get to the good part! (takes a long pull from bottle. Then he notices that DeLay has gone white with horror.)
Gingrich: What is it? What’s wrong with ya, can’t ya read no more?(snatches memo away, tries to focus his eyes)
Gingrich: The winner is… The winner is… Mitt Romney… MITT ROMNEY! Mitt Romney? That liberal Mormon fag from MASSACHUSETTS? That liberal pro-choice numbnuts from the gay marriage state? The national Conservative Political Conference wants HIM, over ME?
DeLay: He ain’t pro-choice no more, Newt, he switched over to pro-life—
Gingrich: --ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES AGO! The most powerful conservatives in America want that liberal polygamous fag, instead of ME?
DeLay:(pointing to report) It says he finished first with 21 per cent of the votes, Newt…
Gingrich:(reading) That liberal trannie Giuliani—in second place? Brownback? That Catholic bible-thumping no name snake-handler from Kansas—he beat me, too?(Gingrich’s eyes start to bug out like tennis balls, the veins in his temples swell to the size of jumper cables--)
DeLay: We did better than McCain, though—
Gingrich: “BETTER THAN MCCAIN?"IN THE CONSERVATIVE STRAW POLL? (has a minor stroke; recovers)
DeLay: Yeah, by two points, you came in fourth—
(Gingrich smashes the empty wine bottle over DeLay’s head; DeLay collapses unconscious.)
Gingrich: Fourth…fourth in the CONSERVATIVE straw poll…(staggers around) Gotta think…gotta think…it can’t be over… it can’t be over…gotta get some money…money…(looks at DeLay’s prone body, gets an idea. He grabs DeLay’s feet, and starts to drag him along) Sorry, Tommy…it’s you or me, so it’s got to be you…I’m turnin’ you in for the reward…that’s politics, Tom, you’d do the same to me if I gave you the chance…(already out of breath) I’m turnin’ you in—gettin’ that reward money…that’ll be my campaign war chest…and then I’m gonna get something decent to drink…and then…I’m gonna be BACK ON TOP!...I’ll show ‘em… I’ll show ‘em ALL, those sons of bitches…