Thursday, August 02, 2007

Medical Breakthrough Offers Hope For Rotten Bush Approval Ratings

A new breakthrough in medical science offers a solution to the President’s “below dogshit” poll numbers:

Boston hospital offers face transplants

Mon Jul 30, 5:15 AM ET

BOSTON - Brigham and Women's Hospital has given a surgical team permission to perform partial face transplants to certain disfigured patients, a newspaper reported.

(A meeting at the White House:)

Karl: Okay, Dick. It's like this. It's a new procedure. We have limited choices. What I'm showing you today is what we can get, today.
Dick: Are you sure this is necessary, Karl?
Karl: Dick--have you seen our numbers this week? We're even starting see some Republicans saying they don't believe Saddam did 9/11 anymore. Our backs are against the wall.
Dick: It's just that I don't know if we can sell him on this--surgery...
Karl: I'll sell him on it, don't worry. I'll tell him the doctors want to look for more polyps or something. When he wakes up he'll never know what hit him.
Dick: (sighs) Okay then, let's see what the options are.
Karl: Okay. Now what I got here are a bunch of before and after shots. Before...

Dick: Oh, God, put that away, I see that every day--
Karl: I know I know, but look-- here's the "after" shot:

Dick: mmm... I don't think so...
Karl: Oh come on, how can you not like that? She's one of the most beautiful women in the world! Everybody loves her! And she's crazy about kids...
Dick: Karl--I just told him to veto health care for poor children. That's not the way we want to go. What else have you got?
Karl: Okay, okay. Here's "Before":

Dick: Yeah, I remember that one. Praying. He's saying "I am the "Pray-er," so what?
Karl: But here's "After:"

Dick: Hmm. Isn't she dead?
Karl: I don't know. Does it matter? Everybody's crazy about her. How can you get more "compassionate conservative" than this?
Dick: I don't know... the "do-rag" thing she's got on...that's kind of "Palestinian"-looking, isn't it?
Karl: Naah! It's Catholic. This one would go over real big with east coast Catholics, Dick, and we'd love to get them back--
Dick: My God, don't remind me, we're even losing pro-lifers these days. Okay, look we'll come back to that one, what else have you got?
Karl: Now this one, I'll guarantee you're gonna love. Here's the "Before" shot--

Dick: Looks like he's describing his brain.
Karl: But get this, here's the "After:"

Karl: Now come on, Dick, you're not gonna tell me you don't like this one. James Bond, the Sean Connery James Bond, inspires incredible confidence, "this is the man who can get the job done." And it's the Connery Bond--not this Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan shit--
Dick: Wouldn't this be expensive? I mean, we don't want trouble with the James Bond franchise, they got money, we already have everybody else in the world pissed at us--
Karl: It's not cheap but it's do-able. We could get him looking like Timothy Dalton or George Lazenby for peanuts, if you want to go that route--
Dick: I don't think this one will work. We get him looking like that, people are gonna start asking us to send HIM to Baghdad to fix things up--and if we do that, BINGO! We got World War III on our hands.
Karl: I guess you got a point. Too bad; Laura loved it.
Dick: I bet she did. What else...
Karl: Okay. This is our last shot. If you don't like this one, I don't know what to tell you. The "Before" picture:

Dick: Okay...
Karl: And here's "After:"

Dick: Oh my God...
Karl: Now give it a chance, Dick, don't just shoot everything down, I'm just showing you what's available.
Dick: A big white beard?
Karl: The doctors say the beard's the easiest part to do. Look, Dick--the polls show that more Americans believe in THIS guy, than believe in Bush.
Dick: That's all the choices there are?
Karl: Well--they can do him up as "Clifford the Big Red Dog," but I knew you wouldn't go for that.
Dick: Jesus H. Christ...this's killing me...alright...let's see the Mother Theresa shot again...



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