US Armed Forces: If you're a terrorist--let's negotiate!

You know in the eighties they had all these action movies about American tough guys (usually played by Austrian Arnold Schwarzenegger) who just killed the terrorists; screw this negotiation stuff, just kill ‘em.

But now in Iraq—it’s officially become a part of the US military strategy, you CAN negotiate with terrorists.

Deals in Iraq Make Friends of Enemies
In Tactical Shift for U.S., Informal Amnesties Win Some Insurgents' Cooperation
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, July 20, 2007; Page A01

U.S. forces in Iraq are striking a variety of "handshake agreements" with Iraqi insurgents and militia groups, sometimes resulting in the release of fighters detained for attacking coalition forces, U.S. military officials said in several recent interviews.

Such informal deals mark a significant tactical shift in the Iraq war and represent a potentially risky effort to enlist former U.S. foes in the battle against hard-line militants...

Though no formal arrangement exists for granting amnesty to insurgents, the current deals amount to a kind of don't-ask-don't-tell pardon system...

...First, the leaders of the groups agree to stop attacking U.S. and Iraqi forces. Then they pledge to fight al-Qaeda in Iraq. Finally, U.S. and Iraqi officials try to get them to become part of Iraqi security forces, usually the police.

"There are no signed agreements," Odierno added. "They are . . . handshake agreements."

Well, I can tell you one thing for sure. The morons who sit at home and insists we fight on in Iraq see the world and its politics through the prism of these action movies and “shoot ‘em up” video games. They are not going to want to acknowledge that this “negotiate with terrorists” policy is a reality. And they are never going to pay to see a movie that ends with Arnold or Rambo offering a job to the bad guys who killed his best friend. “Bitte, mein friend—it looks like I blew dis game—you vant to come vork for me? I pay you gut if you shtop tryink to kill at me, hokay?” THE END.

And you are never going to see a “shoot ‘em up” video game with a walkthrough like this:

“LEVEL TEN. You immediately see three Al Qaeda as soon as you enter this level. Kill them, using the submachine gun from your inventory. As soon as you kill them, twenty more Al Qaeda terrorists appear in their place, and beginning shooting at you. There are also a hundred Shi’ite militia members who show up, and some rogue Baath’ists; they will shoot at you, too. Hide in the Green Zone until they are re-loading. Don’t shoot any of them because every time you kill one three fully armed enemy combatants will to take his place. If you’ve reached this level and its’ more than four years later and you still haven’t captured Baghdad, reach into your inventory and get out “the White Flag of Truce.”

Wave it, like you should have done three years ago. The Al Qaeda enemies won’t come over, but some of the Shi’ites and Baathist warlords will. (If they don’t, wave “cash”, which is also in your inventory.) When the Shi’ites and Baathists join you behind the table, press the “negotiate from a position of weakness” button on your console (not the “negotiate from a position of strength” button; you lost that button four years ago.)

Avoid incoming Al Qaeda fire as you “promise and beg” (by pressing R and “Negotiate” button at the same time); but be careful not to “cry”, as the enemy will see that as “weak and womanly”--if they see you cry you’ll have to kill a whole bunch of them and start over again.

If negotiations go well and these enemies agree to stop shooting you in exchange for money and inside security information about your puppet government, one of them will ask you: “How do you know you can trust us, Rambold?” To answer, press the “handshake” button. That makes the deal and temporarily stops them and their thousands of troops from trying to kill you—temporarily, remember!

The deal will break down without warning, and they will go back to try to killing you again, but this will buy you time to try to get to LEVEL ELEVEN: “Getting the Fuck Out of Iraq.” In the meantime, don’t worry about how many time they “kill you.” Remember that this is not like other video games. You aren’t restricted to losing only three “lives” before “Game Over” comes up on the screen. “Creating A Free, Peaceful and Democratic Iraq” is the only game that gives you more than 4,000 lives to lose—and hundreds of thousands of lost civilian lives don’t count against you at all! So just keep playing, year after year after year, until your term of office is over...”