National: Calling All Conservatives: New Suit for Bush, Pronto!

Calling all conservatives: We’ve got trouble because a real military leader, General Clark, has now entered the presidential race. This means that the President can no longer go around getting his picture taken in an Air Force flight suit to enhance his credibility as a hero.

It was bad enough to have a Viet Nam veteran like Kerry as an opponent, but this Clark guy is the real thing and was apparently entitled to wear a uniform. His presence in the race is bound to call attention to the fact that President Bush refused to volunteer for combat duty during the Viet Nam war and later deserted from the Air National Guard unit he was assigned to during wartime. We don’t want to call attention to these issues by staging any more photo ops of Bush in an Air Force flight suit.

It is imperative that we find some other kind of suit for the President to appear in, prior to next year’s televised Presidential debates. Here are my suggestions:

Gorilla suit. Wearing one of these would define President Bush as an alpha male, leader of the Republican primates, a bull gorilla, looking strong. He would enter the televised debates in the gorilla suit, swinging in on an old tire hanging from a rope and startling the opposing candidate. Then he hops off the tire, grunting, baring fangs, raising arms, beating his breast. Finally, when his opponent is petrified with shock, the ‘gorilla’ stands, removes head—and underneath, it’s a smiling President Bush. Opponent made to look like a fool.

“Suit of Lights.” This is what they call the outfit worn by a matador during a bullfight. Tight pants, tight jacket, sparkles, white stockings, buckled shoes, little Mickey Mouse type hat, long red cape over one arm, and sword. Picture the President entering the debates swirling his red cape around dramatically, going up on his toes; then making a series of graceful turns and passes around the Democratic candidate, skillfully avoiding contact while taunting his opponent with cries of “Toro! Toro!” Should play well with Latino voters.

Space Suit. Suggests President Bush is a ‘man of the future’. Looking ahead to ‘the final frontier’. Suggests ‘space exploration’, vision, the future, a better tomorrow. Consists of space helmet, shiny chrome fabric suit, air supply box, moon boots, etc. At debates, the President would intentionally move in slow motion, suggesting ‘low gravity’/’walking in outer space’. If opposing candidate or a reporter challenges the President with a particularly tough question, the President will be able to stall credibly instead of giving an answer by pretending his spacesuit’s radio is malfunctioning: “Houston! I’m not reading you! Come in, Houston, you’re breaking up!” Increases suspense, increases audience sympathy for the President apparently ‘lost in space’; audience admires President’s bravery.

Leisure suit. Very casual, very laid back. The message it sends is: “I’m too cool to care about you, General Clark.” Optional mirrored sunglasses; ascot.

Swimsuit. President’s outfit would consist of a sexy thong in some wild tropical color; top would be optional. This costume would send a subliminal message to the viewers watching the debate at home. The average viewer’s reaction would go something like this: “Hmm! Bush is wearing a swimsuit, reminds me of: swimsuit issue, reminds me of: Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, concludes: Bush is a ‘sport’, and he knows the ‘issues’.”

Clown suit. This costume would remind the viewers that the President feels their pain and wants to help. Example: President Bush shows up for debate in clown suit/make-up/rubber nose, etc. For first fifteen minutes or so of debate, opponent and reporters don’t dare ask him why he is dressed like this; they think he may have gone crazy. Finally, his Democratic opponent works up the courage to ask the President: “Why are you dressed like a clown, Mr. Bush?” The President answers, solemnly: “It’s to cheer up the folks at home, because American servicemen are being killed in Iraq almost every day.” Then the President glares at his opponent, points finger at him, and says: “And what are you doing to cheer them up tonight, sir?”

Actually, I don’t know whether wearing the clown suit would help or hurt, but I figured I would mention it because the President probably already has one around somewhere.

William Prendergast is the author of the crime thriller “Forbidden Hollywood”, and is not really a ‘spin doctor’; he’s more of a ‘spin registered nurse.’

Minnesota: Senator Michele Bachmann v. Evolution

I don’t think I have ever been prouder of Minnesota Senator Michelle Bachmann, District 52, of Stillwater. I heard her on local radio last week, defending the right of our children not to believe in the theory of evolution. Senator Bachmann appeared on AM station KKMS as a guest on a popular talk radio show, “Talk The Walk”. Broadcast on weekdays, “Talk the Walk” is thoughtful defense of the Christian worldview hosted by former stand-up comedian, Tod Friel. Mr. Friel also uses his program to expose and sometimes ridicule trends, events, and people that are un-Christian, pseudo-Christian or anti-Christian.

It took courage for Senator Bachmann to go on this show and reveal how evolution is even now being forced down the throats of our children; there are very few politicians willing to tell the truth about the liberal conspiracy to teach evolution in our schools. Among the bombshells dropped by Bachmann during her radio appearance were the following:
1) (Evolution) is a theory that has never been proved, one way or the other.
2) The fossil record is a dearth, meaning not much, evidence of evolution.
3) Evolution is a belief; evolution is not a fact.
4) Senator Bachmann charged that the State of Minnesota is going to compel its students to prove that evolution is “true”, and at the same time prohibit students from bringing in evidence to the contrary.

It was a magnificent media appearance by a legislator who has made education one of her chief priorities. Bachmann’s only doubtful moment came when a rude, aggressive caller to the show named ‘Dave’ phoned in and asked her if she knew what the definition of evolution was. Caught off guard for a moment, Bachmann recovered and replied wittily: “Why don’t you tell me?”

That should have shut the caller up, but he was persistent and asserted that if Bachmann was going to vote on the issue, it is important that she know what she was voting on. Flustered, Bachmann asked the caller if he was talking about ‘Spontaneous Generation’, an apparently irrelevant reference to the discredited medieval theory that life originates from dead matter. “Is that what you think evolution is?” asked the caller.

Bachmann’s personal definition of what evolution is became unclear at that point, but she went on to say that a grain of wheat plus a starfish does not equal a dog, and that this was what evolutionists were teaching in our schools. At just about this point, host Todd Friel interrupted the caller and accused him of ‘sabot-too-gee’ (Friel’s clever slang term for ‘sabotage’); Friel said that he, Friel, was not going ‘let this happen’ to Senator Bachmann. The caller was apparently put on hold while Friel bid goodbye to Bachmann, who was apparently in a hurry to leave and do something else at this point.

When Friel returned to the air after the commercial break, he questioned the caller persistently about his faith and theology. Friel asserted that it was possible for a person to be a Christian and believe that the Earth was billions of years old, but pointed out that Jesus Christ Himself had pronounced against the theory of evolution in Matthew 19:4. The caller pointed out that God has given us a brain as well as the Bible, and that not all of the Bible was meant to be taken literally. Shortly after that, Friel and the caller parted company.

But all of this is by-the-by. The important thing to remember is that evolution is merely a theory, just as ‘atomic theory’ and Professor Einstein’s ‘theory of relativity’ are just theories. By the way, I believe (and I am sure Senator Bachmann would agree) that the Minnesota schools should not force ‘atomic theory’ and the ‘theory of relativity’ on our students, either. I hope that Bachmann will also publicly oppose the bigoted clowns currently teaching ‘atomic theory’ and the ‘theory of relativity’ as if they were fact.

William Prendergast is the author of the crime thriller ‘Forbidden Hollywood’ and is not sure what he is descended from.