Monday, March 05, 2007

"Big Newt Is Back!" Part Two

(The story so far: Former GOP overlord Newt Gingrich has spent much of the last decade sleeping under a bridge and drinking Sterno as he awaits his political comeback. When fellow exile Tom DeLay tells him that he has placed fourth in a presidential straw poll conducted by the Conservative Political Action Conference, Gingrich flies into an insane rage and vows vengeance against mankind. He smashes an empty bottle of hooch over DeLay’s head and drags him off to the nearest police station, claiming the reward money so he can use it to fund his political comeback.)

(After getting a much needed bath and shave and some eyedrops, Gingrich “obtains” a clean suit and a car and makes his way to the CPAC convention, still in progress. At the door he is stopped by the CPAC bouncer, Richard Viguerie, an old conservative hand.)
Viguerie: Sorry, chum, you can’t get in here without showin’ some real cash—Jesus H. Christ, it’s Newt! They—they told us you was dead!
Gingrich: They told ya wrong, pops. And as for dough, what does this look like? Romaine lettuce? (fans the big bills under Viguerie’s nose. Then, menacing:) Well? Do I get in, or do I get in?
Viguerie: Yeah, yeah, sure, Newt. But you gotta understand, Newt, things is different around here nowadays, it ain’t like the old days—
Gingrich: Izzatso? Well, I’m here to make it like the old days. (He hands his car keys to a black man standing near the door.) Here you go. It’s a blue BMW, don’t scratch it.
Viguerie: Hold on there, Newt. That ain’t no valet, that’s Mike Steele, he use to be the Lieutenant Governor of Maryland--he’s a conservative, like us!Gingrich: Oh. (to Steele) Sorry, “bro.” I been outta circulation for a while, know what I mean? Lotsa new faces here. Colorful new faces, too. I guess.
Viguerie: Mike is MC’ing the convention this year.
Gingrich: Yeah? “M.C. Steele”, huh? Spinnin’ the turntable for the Party, hah? Well that’s fine. But take care of the car for me anyway though, wouldja? Here, here’s ten grand for ya, I’m a big tipper.
(Steele looks offended, then he takes the money and car keys and heads out to the parking lot.)
Gingrich: Didn’t give me any backtalk. Good attitude. So we got our own little “Obama” this year, huh?
Viguerie: Yeah, heh heh heh.
Gingrich: Maybe I’ll put him on the ticket with me, if he’s one of these Clarence Thomas “Afro-Americans.” “Gingrich/Steele”—that’d make a good bumpersticker.
Viguerie:(scared) You—you ain’t thinkin’ off taken over again, is ya, Newt?
Gingrich: And why not? (straightening his tie before going in) Nobody just hands it to ya in this world. Ya gotta take it. So I’m gonna take it.
(Viguerie puts his hand on Gingrich’s arm to stop him; Gingrich gives him a deadly look and Viguerie quickly removes his hand)
Viguerie: I didn’t mean nothin’ Newt, it’s just things is different now. The convention is picked Mitt Romney in the straw poll—
Gingrich: (a weird glint comes into his eyes) And I came in fourth. (advancing on Viguerie, who backs off) Yeah, I heard all about that, Dickie boy. And I heard all about how you gave a big speech--telling how the Congress I put in to power in Washington—MY Congress—was thrown out cause it was CORRUPT—
Viguerie: NO!
Gingrich: (coming closer, murder in his eyes) Yeah! You told ‘em all that MY Congress, had “betrayed conservative principles”—
Viguerie: NO! No, please—(Gingrich grabs Viguerie by the neck, shakes him.)

Gingrich: Oh, yeah, Dickie, “old pal,” I heard all about it. So you know what’s gonna happen now, little Dickie?
Viguerie: I—I n-n-never said nothin’ about YOU, Newt, I never mentioned your name—
Gingrich: (bitch slaps him) SHADDAP! Let me tell ya how you’re gonna make it up to me, Dickie boy. You’re (bitch slap) gonna (bitch slap) call (bitch slap) the (bitch slap) Washington (bitch slap) Times (bitch slap) and tell ‘em that after all the numbers were crunched and re-totaled again—ME, Newt Gingrich, was the convention favorite for President! Not that Mormon fag Romney! Ya get me? (head butts Viguerie, breaking his nose.) You’re gonna tell ‘em that Romney fixed that straw poll! Comprendo?
(Gingrich releases Viguerie, who collapses to the floor.)
Viguerie: (sobbing) No more, please, Newt... I’ll do it... I’ll do it... I’ll tell ‘em... I’ll tell ‘em that when we added together all the votes for the runners-up, you out-total’d Romney. But please, just let me go...I’m an old man...I got grandkids...
Gingrich: That’s right. And you remember that, cause I will—you gotta family. (He shoots his cuffs and straightens his tie again, and faces the hall.) And now—I gotta convention to take over.
(He strides off into the hall. Cheers greet him as he opens the doors.)
(Steele returns, holding up a little paper stub.)
Steele: (to Viguerie) Where did Mr. Gingrich go? I got his valet ticket, right here.
Viguerie: (laying on the floor, covering his bleeding nose) Never mind where he went. Just stay right where you are, don’t say nothing. And if you value your life, you have that ticket ready for him when he comes back...
(Steele stares at Viguerie in horror. Music sting: DANT-DANT-DAH!)

The news story: CPAC Embraces Steele; Gingrich (Washington Times)

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