Iraq: Proof That The "Surge" Is Working

by Dirk Dodd

In a recent speech, President George W. Bush drew attention to two bloggers—Iraqi brothers Mohammed and Omar Fadhil; both dentists, living in Iraq—who are posting upbeat messages about the ‘improving situation’ on the ground in and around Baghdad. While the two do operate their own blog, the President was in fact actually referencing four lines excerpted from a chat room conversation conducted between the two. Here are the first four lines as quoted by the President:

"Displaced families are returning home, market places are seeing more activity, stores that were long-shuttered are now re-opening.”

“We feel safer about moving in the city now.”

“Our people want to see this effort succeed.”

“We hope governments in Baghdad and America do not lose their resolve."

And here is the rest of the blog, in its entirety:

Omar: Hold a moment, the doorbell is ringing. I wonder who could that be.

Mohammed: Go see. I will finish your thought for you. You were going to say, ‘We hope governments in Baghdad and America do not lose their resolve and cut and run like liberal dogs...'

Omar: I am returned. Mohammed, you will never guess who is at the door.

Mohammed: Who?

Omar: United States Senator John McCain! He was out walking the neighborhood just now, doing some window shopping and exploring the real estate market. He stumbled upon a pick-up game of basketball, and tells me they are looking for ‘two more.’ He knows of a Baskin-Robbins ice cream shop along the way—his treat.

Mohammed: Praise Allah! Sounds like fun. For something a bit more filling, though, try the newly re-opened Hummus King.

Omar: No chance. You cannot get a table, what with all the displaced families returning home. HK is booked solid into June of next year. Senator McCain lunches outdoors at Café American most days. He has graciously invited me to join him and General Petraeus there later when the General gets back.

Mohammed: Where is the General now?

Omar: Out riding his bicycle around the city.

Mohammed: Riding his bicycle? Is he crazy?! With gasoline so plentiful and prices so low it’s cheaper, almost, to take his unarmed, unarmored Humvee.

Omar: I agree. He insists, however, on taking his bicycle for the higher profile and greater accessibility it affords him to the Iraqi people. Knowing the General, he is stopped somewhere along Liberation Boulevard right now, chatting up townspeople, swapping American flags for boxes of sweets and expressions of heartfelt and eternal gratitude.

Mohammed: Tell him take great precautions on riding his bicycle! Rose petals can make for a slick riding surface.

Omar: I will tell him. Will you join us later for the outdoor chamber music concert?

Mohammed: Yes. Where is that again?

Omar: George W. Bush Square. Construction on it is complete; tonight will be the dedication ceremony. Richard Perle is cutting the ribbon.

Mohammed: I will pick up Hosni and meet you there.

Omar: Does Hosni not work on Saturdays?

Mohammed: Did work. Have you not heard? He got laid-off from his job down at the morgue. Ever since the American troop surge, business there has fallen off dramatically. Talk about ‘dead.’ Ha ha…

Omar: lol. Later…


The author, Dirk Dodd, is a one-legged mechanical bull rider who lives and works in Staten Island, New York. Well, not really, but his email wasn't working when I wrote to him and asked for a biographical blurb. So this is what he gets.

Iraq: New Iraq Plan’s Authors Don’t Think It Will Work

(Editor’s note: the following report was based on an article in the Washington Post.)

Dateline: February 4, 2007

WASHINGTON, D.C.—It seems that even the authors of the latest Bush administration plan to bring stability to Iraq have little confidence that the plan will work.

“I wrote it, and I don’t think it’s going to work,” said one official. “Me neither,” added another. “I wouldn’t want to be the poor bastard who tries to implement this year’s plan.”

“I don't think much of it. Basically our whole plan is full of holes,” said another Bush foreign policy expert. “It depends on a lot of things happening that just aren’t going to happen—hell freezing over, pigs having wings, that sort of stuff.”

When asked why they had formulated a plan that had such little likelihood of success, the officials explained that it was either that or get fired. “We’re not allowed to sound ‘defeatist’” explained one source. “Who knows, something could turn up, Jesus could come back or something. And then we’d have gotten ourselves fired over nothing. These foreign policy jobs are hard to get, you know.”

Several senior officials involved in formulating the political and economic aspects of the administration's strategy agreed to discuss its assumptions and risks on the condition that they not be identified by name. Other sources refused to be even anonymously quoted. Still other sources would only agree to talk about the new Bush plan if they were permitted to wear false moustaches and answer questions about Iraq’s future via a ventriloquist's dummy, while drinking a glass of water.

The strategy's political component centers on replacing deepening Sunni-Shiite-Kurdish divides with a new delineation between "extremists" and "moderates." Moderates are defined as those of all religious and political persuasions who eschew violence. “Basically anybody who hasn’t actually been videotaped cutting someone else’s head off,” explained one official.

What is doubtful is whether there are enough moderates in Iraq to make a real difference. One ventriloquist’s dummy contended that “You could fit all the moderates in Iraq into the hot tub at the Baghdad Hilton and still have room left over for America’s Next Top Plus-Size Model.” And then the dummy gave a scary little laugh. “A-heh-heh-heh-heh!”

The planners agreed that so far Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki has said the right things about cracking down on the sectarian violence that is tearing Baghdad apart. But there are worrisome signs. “He said those things from inside a closet,” explained one official. “He had locked himself in there and refused to come out while he said them. And he was using this kind of high-pitched, falsetto voice when he talked about the need to crack down on sectarian violence, so you couldn’t really tell if it was him in there. And he sounded a little sarcastic, too.”

A key element in the current plan calls for all the members of fighting militias to throw down their weapons, form a huge circle, take each other’s arms and play “Ring-around-the-Rosie.” “That is the benchmark of success that our plan calls for by April--May at the latest,” says one of the plan’s authors. “If that doesn’t happen we will know that it’s time for us to come up with another plan.”