Big Newt is BACK! (Part Three)
(The story so far: Former GOP overlord Newt Gingrich has spent much of the last decade sleeping under a bridge and drinking Sterno. When fellow exile Tom DeLay tells him that he has placed fourth in a presidential straw poll conducted by the Conservative Political Action Conference, Gingrich flies into an insane rage and vows vengeance against mankind. He turns in DeLay to the cops to claim the reward money so he can use it to fund his political comeback.)
(Gingrich buys and brutalizes his way on to the CPAC convention floor and spins the straw poll voting results so that they look as if he outperformed any other Republican (including Romney and Giuliani.) The crowd, still high from cheering Ann Coulter’s “faggot” remark about Edwards, hails Gingrich’s arrival.)
(Conservative powerbrokers, terrified by the possibility of a Gingrich candidacy but cowed by the mob, agree to a private sit-down. Let’s listen:)
Gingrich: Well? You boys said you wanted to talk. So let’s…talk.
Mitch McConnell: Newt. Let me be the first to say—it’s great to have you back—
Gingrich: Skip the bullshit. Get to the point.
McConnell: It’s just—we got issues, here.
Gingrich: What “issues”? Didn’t ya see those guys out on the floor, shakin’ my hand, slappin’ my back, gettin’ up on chairs to try to get a peek at me as I walked by? (stares into space) I still got ‘em, right in the palm of my hand. It was like old times…
McConnell: That’s just it, Newt. It ain’t like old times. There’s splits, right here in this convention. We can’t jazz ‘em up with just the “lower my taxes” and the “I hate liberals” stuff anymore. Some of the boys won’t even back the war in Iraq no more--goddamn Little George W. torpedoed the whole goddamn party with this goddamn war, it cost us the Congress—
Gingrich: You think I don’t know that? I got eyes, ain’t I?
David Keene (American Conservative Union Foundation): It’s serious, Newt. We got the white hot core of big money conservatism, right here in this hotel, and outside the voters are blaming the Iraq war on us. We can’t afford any more division right now—
Gingrich: You sayin’ I’m a divisive figure, Dave?
Keene: N-n-no, no, Newt, you’re a—a hero, but—
Gingrich: (leaning forward) But what?
Keene: It’s the numbers, the numbers, Newt, they say you can’t win in 08…
(Behind Gingrich, out of his sight, McConnell is frantically pantomiming for Keene to “shut up.”)
Gingrich: What numbers?
Keene: (pats polling data report on table with his shaking hand) R-r-right here…the p-polling d-data…
(Like a rattlesnake striking, Gingrich slams down his fist on Keene’s hand and transfixes it with a commemorative legislation signing pen, pinning Keene’s hand to the polling data report and the table beneath.)
(McConnell buries his face in his hands; the rest of the conservatives look on in silent horror as Keene tries to free his hand from the table.)
Phyllis Schlafly: That don’t settle nothin’, Newt.
Schlafly: (lighting up a cigar, then) No. You may have the boys on the convention floor here, and you may be able to pin Keene’s hand to the table with a commerative legislation signing pen—but what about the libertarians?
Gingrich: (derisive grunt) The libertarians…(derisive chuckle)
Schlafly: (exhaling) You can’t laugh ‘em off, Newt. Those perfessor boys, the Cato Institute and such, they been publishin’ stuff about how the conservatives in office--Bush and your GOP Congress--have been increasing the size and scope of government for years. And spendin’ like crazy on pork, which means de facto tax increases—
Gingrich: Don’t you worry your wrinkly old head about dat, Phyll. I’m already takin’ care of our little libertarian situation—right now…(grins crazy lopsided grin.)
(JUMP CUT TO: A big school bus with the logo “CATO INSTITUTE” on its side, trundles along the highway as it makes its way over the Potomac.)
(CUT TO: The interior of the bus. Cato members are discussing the conservative convention.)
Cato Member One: I was very unimpressed by the field of potential candidates.
Cato Member Two: As was I. There’s even talk of resurrecting Gingrich, for God’s sake.
Cato Member Three: Perish the thought. The man’s got all the small government principle of a Massachusetts liberal.
(Much hoity-toity laughter, but then)
Driver: The brakes! There’s no brakes! Someone’s cut the brake cables, the bus is out of control, we’re all going to die!
Cato Member One: Good heavens! What shall we do? I don’t know anything about “brakes,” my degree was in country club economics!
Cato Member Two: Quick! Somebody draw a picture of some brake cables on a cocktail napkin!
(It doesn’t work, and we hear all Cato members scream in terror as the bus plunges off the bridge into the icy waters of the Potomac.)
(JUMP CUT: Back to Gingrich at the conference table, lighting a cigar of his own.)
Gingrich: (with a horrible grin) Yeah. You just leave them libertarian boys to me.
Voice Over: Don’t miss the next thrilling installment of: BIG NEWT IS BACK!