Oh, No! It's Big Newt Is Back, Part Four

Why, why?

Because I can't run the post about how America's leading conservatives just gave the Academic Freedom Award to a former gay porn star and male "escort." (There's teenagers reading this, too, and the story is kind of "gross," once you get into specifics.)

So instead: It's another thrilling chapter of:
BIG NEWT IS BACK!

(The story so far: Cast out of the GOP he helped to put into power, Newt Gingrich has vowed vengeance against mankind. Turning Tom DeLay in for the reward money, Gingrich crashed the national Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington and bought, bullied and brutalized his way on to the floor and then terrorized the convention leaders into submission.
But the maniacal Gingrich is still a long way from his goal—the 2008 nomination for the Presidency. Republican Mitt Romney captured the top spot in the conservative straw poll, leaving Gingrich to finish a distant fourth. The story continues.)

Scene: Romney campaign headquarters. The stately Mormon sits behind his heavy oaken desk in a large leather armchair, stroking a kitten as he listens to John McCain briefing him on the current political situation in the GOP. Sicilian mandolin plays in the background.)

McCain: I believe in America. America has made my fortune. And I raised my children in the American fashion. I even give my staff their freedom, in the American way--but I taught them never to dishonor the family values. I sent one of my people to see this Gingrich, to talk. To see him about the Presidential race. They stayed out late. I didn't protest. They made him drink whiskey. And then this Gingrich tried to take advantage of him. But he resisted. He kept his honor. So they beat him, like an animal. When I went to the hospital, his nose was a'broken. His jaw was a'shattered, held together by wire. He couldn't even weep because of the pain. But I wept. Why did I weep? He was a beautiful kid, he used to work in Mark Foley’s office. Now he will never be beautiful again. So I went to see Gingrich myself, like a good American. I stood in his office like a fool. And that bastard Gingrich, he just smiled at me. Then I said to my wife, for justice, we must go to the conservative Front-Runner.
Romney: (to another aide) Give him a drink.
(McCain takes the shot of whiskey with a shaking hand, and downs it. Romney lays a finger on the side of his face as he listens.)
McCain: I tell him he cannot win. I tell him, the party will not support you, and if they will not support you, you cannot win the nomination. That is the American way. And what did he do? That bastard laughed. He laughed at me.
Romney: What is it you would have me do?
(McCain looks around. Then he rises from his chair, and whispers in Romney’s ear. Romney listens, then McCain returns to his chair, his eyes imploring.)
Romney: That I cannot do. That would not be justice.
McCain: Please, conservative Front-Runner. It will take a cold man with cold balls to stop this Gingrich, to do what needs to be done. You tell your own wife with multiple sclerosis that you will not support embryonic stem-cell research no more, if it will cost you the evangelical vote. That’s-a cold balls! And if we do not stop this man now—
Romney: Why come to see me? Why not go see Don Giuliani, he leads in the national polls—
McCain: The national polls, the national polls, gigatz! (bites his thumb) It takes conservative cold balls to stop conservative cold balls! Please, Front-Runner--
Romney: In all the years I have known you, John, have you ever sought my friendship? Have you ever even invited me to your house for coffee? But now you come to me, and you say, Front-runner, do this thing for me. If you were my friend, your enemies would become my enemies. They would fear you, as they fear me.
McCain: But Front-runner—
Romney: Will you accept my friendship, John McCain?
McCain: (rises, trembling. Then he bows and kisses Romney’s hand.)
(Romney raises him up and embraces him, directs McCain back to his chair. Then:)
Romney: Good. Good. This man Gingrich. He is a, a pezzonovante, a big shot. But he is a man of reason. We will reason together, we will negotiate.
McCain: But how can you negotiate with an animal? This Gingrich is a, a bruto, an animal--
Romney: Already I have begun. I have sent some of my people to see him. They were good men I sent, men of respect. I sent them in a car. A nice car, a Lincoln Continental. They will make him see reason.
McCain: And if he will not see reason?
Romney: Then I will make him an offer he can’t refuse. But I have the conservatives, the Party behind me. Of course, this Gingrich has the right to receive something in return for his services. After all, we are not Communists. (the men in the room chuckle, McCain looks down at the carpet.)
(A Romney aide comes in to the room. He looks pale.)
Aide: Front-Runner.
Romney: (raising his eyebrows) Yes?
Aide: Newt Gingrich sends you a message.
(He goes and comes back in, wheeling a huge metal cube on a hand truck, a Lincoln Continental that has been crushed in a junkyard car compressor into a cube.)
Romney: (stricken) What is this?
Aide: It is an old conservative message. It means “Those guys you sent to see me have been crushed into a metal cube. Look that up in your Book of Nephi, you Mormon fag.”
Romney: (spit-takes all over his little cup of espresso, starts to shake) Jesus Christ! The guy must be nuts!
Music: DANT-DANT-DAH!
Voice Over: Stay tuned for the next thrilling chapter of “Big Newt Is Back!”