This Just In: Another White House Email Intercept

Another email from inside the White House. Every so often someone accidentally forwards one of these things to my In Box:

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY FOR YOUR EYES ONLY FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
To: Karl Rove
From: chimpmeister@whitehouse.com
Re: Must reign in Chimp—PRONTO!

Karl—

Things are very dicey here in the Bunker lately. With Congress what it is now and the investigating committees not even started yet and our approval ratings stuck at the earth’s core, we’ve got to handle everything like it’s nitro-glycerin. If we play it exactly right from now on, we might still make it through the next two years and cross the finish line. If we don’t, we could go down in history as the dingleberries that took the GOP from the summit of success to the bottom of the shitter in just five years. And you can just imagine what that will do to our careers, post-Administration. If that happens, we’ll be lucky to get speaking engagements at the free breakfast buffet at the Motel Six. You remember what happened to Chimp Senior after he raised taxes and lost to Clinton—we practically vaporized him, his name was leprosy; for eight years he had to pay Republicans to be photographed with him.

I don’t want that to happen to you or me. I don’t want us to end up being the next "in-house joke" employees at Fox News. That’s why I’m reaching out, asking you for help. The Chimp is getting out of control--I mean really out of control--on the subject of the war. (Iraq, I mean; he doesn’t know we’re still in Afghanistan.)

It used to be that when he started getting above himself, I could bring Don Rumsfeld in to bring him to heel. Rummy would come in the Oval Office, threaten to send him to Baghdad again, and the Chimp would get right back in line. But that’s not an option anymore. (I still think it was a mistake to can Rummy. Our numbers said he was the most charismatic figure in the Administration.)

Anyway—the Chimp is acting up about this Iraq thing, and there’s no one around the White House to scare him back into line anymore. (I asked Dick to help, but Dick gave me one of his murderous looks. “Did it ever occur to you that someone actually has to run this goddamn funny farm?” he snarled. “And now you want me to come all the way up from two miles underground to try to reason with Alfred E. Newman? Do your eff’in job!” He had a point, I guess. Anyway, the Chimp doesn’t look up to Dick the way he used to; the other day I caught him with a Sharpie drawing on Dick’s official photograph, putting a little beard on him and making his bald head into an ass.)

Karl, this is serious. He’s walking around the office talking to himself, saying “I am the Decider…I am the Decider…” over and over again. You’ve probably already seen him do it on the news. Thank God it was the only time they actually caught him doing it on camera; we got him out of there before he did the “I am the Decider” gesture. That’s another thing: he’s started making this “I am the decider” gesture, too; he raises up his arms up into the air in this very grand, slow, "holy" way while he says it, and he does this kind of royal-sounding “I-am-the-Decider voice,” too. It’s scary, Karl; sometimes he even wanders out into the hall and the tourists see him. I’ve had to confiscate people’s video cameras!

You’ve got to keep in mind that most of the Chimp’s ideas about government come from reading children’s books. He grasps the concept of “king” because he’s seen that in the illustrations, but he can't seem to refine that basic concept into “president.” Since the Dems took over Congress I’ve tried to explain about “checks and balances” but his eyes just glaze over, I might as well spend my time trying to explain “checks and balances” to a stuffed animal. We go round and round about it for hours, over and over again, and sometimes I even think he’s got it because he starts nodding his head--and then at the end he just gets up and makes that grand gesture again and says “but I am the Decider.”

We’ve got to do something about this—turn a hose on him whenever he goes into this “I am the Decider” thing, startle him with firecrackers, I don’t know what--but we’ve got to do something. It will scare the shit out of America, if they ever see him doing this. I see it every day and it still scares the shit out of ME!

Help!

Sincerely,
Chimpmeister

Bachmann Seizes Bush: Even I Think That's Disgusting

Everybody's sending me disgusting pictures of my Congresswoman feeling up the President of the United States and grabbing him and shmooshing his lips and spreading herself all over him--yuuchh!

Please, no more! No more pictures like that in my mailbox, it makes my skin crawl... Trying to fulfill her sexual fantasies at the State of the Union speech; how weird is that? There's a "Letter To Penthouse" I never wanted to read:
"
"Dear Editors:

"I always thought your Letters to Penthouse Forum were made up until I had the most erotic experience of my life last week."

I hold a position of great responsibility in Washington, D.C. (My advisers say it would not be wise to tell you exactly what the nature of my job is.) Anyway, I had just finished delivering my State of the Union Address and was walking down the aisles, glad-handing Congressmen and signing Senators' programs, when all of the sudden this really hot fifty-year old in a tight white cocktail dress reached out and grabbed me."

"Even though I am married and have kids, this gave me a hard-on you could drive a nail with! A hot grandma, grabbing me in public, with the nation's news cameras rolling on us--and this aging mother of five biological kids and twenty-three foster kids just refused to let go! She gotta have it! As my good friend Tony Blair would say: "YEAH, BABY!" She was comin' on like she wanted to do me right there on the Capitol floor! It was a little embarrassing, because my wife and her husband and constituents were watching."

"But I was never so hard in my life, not since I stopped doing coke. Then this chick--I'll call her "Maybelle"--grabs a hold of me and rubs up against me and gives me the hottest lip action I ever got from any elected official, anywhere (except maybe Norm Coleman.) It took all my self-control not to shoot my wad right there and then, all over Daniel Webster's old desk."

"She slipped her phone number into my mouth with her tongue, the horny little minx. I know it's wrong, but maybe one night soon I'll give her a call and we'll get in the back of the Presidential limo and I'll whip out Little George and the Twins so she can--"

EEeeeyeeew! No more, no more, please. Get me out of here, now, let's talk about economics or something.

Sports: Bears Latest Crime Against Humanity Succeeds

Evil triumphed over good today as the Chicago Bears, a rag-tag band of child-molesting wife-beating convicted sex offenders cheated and bench-lawyered their way to a self-styled “victory” over the New Orleans Saints in the NFC championship game.

Setting out to break the hearts and spirit of young children and helpless home-bound seniors who barely survived the devastation and flooding of Katrina, the incestuous Chicago sodomites mounted a ruthless, amoral drug-fueled defense and a “kick-and-gouge” running game that threw away the rulebook in favor of Hitler’s “Mein Kampf.” New Orleans’ valiant attempt to win through personal excellence on the field and respect for the game proved hopeless against the Mafia-owned and operated Bears. (Chicago is the seat of organized crime in America and the spiritual home of gangland violence everywhere. Its notoriously unsanitary food handling procedures have poisoned millions around the world.)

Bears head coach Lovie Smith has cheated his way to the Super Bowl, where he will be the first black head coach to make it to the title game in its 41 years, and also the first former male prostitute to coach in a Super Bowl, if his nickname is any clue. It seems clear that the cunning and total lack of principles that Smith picked up during his years “on the street” has served the Bears well in the play-offs, but the human cost in venereal disease and drug abuse will never be known.

Chicago’s hired mercenaries flew planes over the stadium before during and after the game, “salting” the clouds over the stadium and thus ensuring that a heavy snow fell steadily during the second half. A mindless, drooling mob of tens of thousands of obviously in-bred Chicagoans in violation of parole kept up a non-stop clamor for more cheating and fouling from the home team, and cheered the scenes of Katrina devastation and homelessness that were posted regularly in between plays on the stadium’s scoreboard to sate their bloodlust.

Al-Qaeda affiliated game officials aided the Bears’s “win by any means” strategy by ruling dead balls “live” well after the fact and by regularly persecuting Saints QB Drew Brees for crimes that he did not commit.

The Bears will go on to shamelessly cheat and foul either the Patriots or Colts two weeks from now in Miami.

New Orleans: Brangelina, Brangelina, Brangelina--AAAGH!

“Hey, didja hear that Brad and Angelina moved down to New Orleans?”
“Hey, you live in the French Quarter, that’s where Brangelina bought a house, isn’t it?”
“Hey, did you see Brad and Angelina walking around the Quarter yet?”
“Hey, let me know if have any Brad and Angelina sightings while you’re down there—“

Oh, shut up. Eff off, with your Brad and Angelina.

Yes, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have moved here to New Orleans, and yes, they bought a house in the Quarter. It’s the front page story in the Times-Picayune.

Yes, they’ve been seen hanging out around town; no, I haven’t seen them. No, I don’t know what they ordered at the bar, or where they ate breakfast, or where they took a shit.

Yes, I will be excited if I see Angelina out in public. Yes, I still want to sleep with Angelina; I have for the last five years, it’s been a recurring theme in my articles. No, I don't think that's why she moved here. No, I don’t think the fact that she’s moved here improves my chances; not unless I can convince her that having sex with me is the only way to stop the next Category Five hurricane.

And I’m not her type, anyway—I’m a man’s man, I’m a bit grizzled, I’ve got a bit of a gut on me; Angelina seems to go for the boy-man, girly-man type (Sleeping with Billy Bob Thornton was a career move.)

Yes, I admire them for what they’re doing. They are conscious of the fact--ridiculous as the fact is--that their supernova celebrity status, combined with their move here, will improve the town’s chances of recovery. It will keep the cameras on New Orleans, any time and all the time that they are in town. It’s very sad that that’s what it takes to keep this city and its ultimate fate in the news, but I thank Brangelina for putting up the bucks to buy a house here and for making a point of “being seen” around the streets of New Orleans. That will remind folks around the world that we’re still here.

Of course, the money’s no big deal to them. Those two have got money coming out their ears, they pee money. Pitt could buy the city a whole new public school system just by selling his wife’s old underwear on Ebay. That’s not an option for the rest us here in New Orleans.

Still, thank you, Brangelina, for trying to help out. And Angelina—well. You know.

National: The Presidential Worm Has Turned

The headline tells us:

Cheney enters the twilight of his career

Touching choice of words, isn’t it? It makes me think of Cheney, staring out the window into the falling rain in D.C., the violins come up, and he croons:

Oh, it’s a long, long time
…From May to December…
And the days grow shoooort
When you reach September…

It’s from Cheney’s “The Twilight of My Career” album. Always gets me, right…here.

“Once viewed as adding an air of gravitas to an inexperienced president, Cheney, 64, is now seen by many Americans as a driving force behind Bush's most divisive initiatives: the Iraq war, the National Security Agency's warrantless eavesdropping program, harsh detention and interrogation policies and an aggressive push for expanded executive authority.

Bad as Bush's poll numbers are, Cheney's are worse.”

So what. Poll numbers, schmoll numbers; bad decisions, schmad decisions. What do Bush and Cheney care about that? The important thing is their personal relationship. Read on:

Cheney is the only member of Bush's original national security team still holding the same job.
"The neo-cons are gone. Cheney is the last one, and you can't get rid of him," said Paul C. Light, a New York University professor of public service.
…
"For his first four years perhaps, maybe even a little bit longer, when he spoke the president listened. Now the president speaks and Cheney must listen. And it's the president who is setting the vice president's agenda and not vice versa."

Jeez, is that how they’ve been working this Bush Presidency thing? No wonder everything’s gotten so screwed up. I thought Vice Presidents were just supposed to go to funerals and insult the press. Cheney was setting the Bush agenda for years? If that’s true, I think it was damn nice of the press to let Bush think he was in charge all that time.

But things are going to be different from now on, eh? I can just picture it:

Cheney: Good morning, Mr. President. We’ve just received intelligence that—
Bush: SHUT UP!
Cheney: What?
Bush: You heard me, I said “shut up”! From now on, I’M running things around here, get me?
Cheney: Mr. President, I—
Bush: There’s a new boss in this White House, and his name is “George W. Bush,” not “Dick Cheney,” comprendo?
Cheney: But sir—
Bush: But nothing! Look at this! (shakes a copy of the Constitution in his face) Yes, I finally found out about it, Mr. VICE-President. It says I’M in charge here--not you! It turns out that the President is actually boss of the Vice-President, and NOT the other way around, as my “good friend” Dick Cheney once told me so long ago! How long did you think THAT little fact was going to escape my attention? Funny that you never found the time to mention THIS to me before, isn’t it, Dick Cheney? (waves the Constitution in his face.)
Cheney: Who gave that to you?
Bush: Never you mind who gave it to me! From now on, YOU’LL do what I say, Cheney boy, because, as it turns out, I’M actually YOUR boss! (tapping Constitution) It says so right here, in fancy old-timey writing. And guess what else? I read every line of this thing, and it turns out there’s absolutely NOTHING in here that says the President is the one who has to go and get sandwiches for the Vice President—and pay for those sandwiches, too! That was just another of your little LIES, wasn’t it, Cheney?
Cheney: Mr. President, let me explain—
Bush: Shut up! You’ve told me what to do and when to do it for years, Dick Cheney, when all that time it should have been the other way around. I never should have let you do my job orientation. It just so happens that there IS no such thing as “the Presidential office cubicle”—so you get your stuff out of MY office, pronto, Cheney boy! Pronto! And from now on, YOU’RE the one who’s going to have to lay out all the pads and pencils at the conference table before the cabinet meetings, how do you like THAT! From now on there’s gonna be some big changes around here, mister, believe you me! Hmmph. Yessir. Some big changes.

Sports: SAINTS FRY EAGLES IN NEW ORLEANS

This evening the New Orleans Saints overcame four decades of failure and a long tradition of local fans showing up for games with paper bags over their heads to nose out the Philadelphia Eagles 27-24. Saints indomitables Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush combined to drag the team into the NFC championship game. This has ended all talk of drafting the long-suffering New Orleans franchise for combat duty in Iraq.

The Saints will go on to either play at Chicago or host Seattle, depending on the outcome of the other NFC division round game Sunday. We take you now to the streets of New Orleans for post-game analysis by fans in the French Quarter:

WHO DAT?

WHO DAT?

REGGGGIIIIIE! REGGGIIIIE!

DREEEEEEEW!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

DEUUUUUUUUUCE!

WHO DAT? WHO DAT?

Army Recruiting: Draft of the Dead

Today I see this headline:

Bush’s Iraq plan to include more troops

But where will these troops come from? For the answer to that, you have to read this story:

Army urges dead soldiers to return to duty

WASHINGTON - The Army said Friday it would apologize to the families of about 275 officers killed or wounded in action who were mistakenly sent letters urging them to return to active duty.

The letters were sent a few days after Christmas to more than 5,100 Army officers who had recently left the service. Included were letters to about 75 officers killed in action and about 200 wounded in action.

Wow! I know they’re hard up for troops, but…Of course it’s all just a horrible mistake, but that’s a hell of a thing for a surviving spouse or parent to get in the mail, isn’t it? One thing I can tell you--this is exactly the kind of thing that pisses off Cindy Sheehan.

What I can’t tell you are the exact contents of the letter that these dead soldiers received. I’ve been all over the Internet, but I can’t seem to find a copy of that letter.

So I went to the US Army recruiting site to get a few answers from “Sergeant Star,” the Army’s virtual guide. Sergeant Star is a computer-generated recruiting sergeant who will answer your questions about Army recruitment in real time, online. You simply type in a question and Sergeant Star will answer it, to inspiring background music. He’s kind of like the Army’s “Magic 8-Ball.” (To ask Sergeant Star about enlisting, go to http://www.goarmy.com/ChatWithStar.do )



Anyway, I went to the site “undercover”, posing as one of the dead combat veterans to get the Sergeant’s take on this whole “recruiting the dead” thing. Here are my questions and his answers:

SGT STAR: Welcome Bill. How can I help you today?

Bill: I was killed in action and I have been dead for some time now, Sergeant Star. But I recently received a letter asking me to reenlist. To what kind of duty can I be assigned if I am dead?

SGT STAR: The Army has many programs to support the families of our Soldiers. See some of the Soldier and family services on this page.
Here's more:

* Choosing Posts
* Base Locations
* Contract Length

Bill: Well, it’s not so much for my family that I’m asking. What I’m really asking is, what sort of post can I expect to get if I’m already dead?

SGT STAR: I think you may be looking for more detail than I have. If you would like to discuss this in more detail, click "Ask Live Help".

Bill: I don’t think “Live Help” can help me. And what if I get shot to death again?

SGT STAR: It's possible you could be injured in any job, not just the Army. The Army prides itself in training of all Soldiers to ensure they are prepared for any situation. In the event of injury, Soldiers are treated by some of the best medical professionals in the world on the Army healthcare team.

Bill: It’s a little late for medical treatment. Are there any extra benefits for me, if I reenlist post-mortem?

SGT STAR: The U.S. Army has one of the largest Health Care networks in the world that is made available to every Soldier and their family members as part of the Army benefits package at little or no cost to the Soldier. Availability of services varies from post to post. There are also programs for family members with special medical needs.

Bill: Hmm. I don’t think you get this “dead” thing I’m talking about here, Sergeant Star. I’m just kind of worried that I’ll be taken out by an improvised explosive device (IED) or something next time. Have they properly armored the bottoms of our vehicles yet?

SGT STAR: Here's more:
• Why Join?
• Benefits Clarification
• Contract Length
• Health Care Clarification
• Reenlistment/Reclassification

Bill: Whoa, hold on there, Sergeant, not so fast. I've already been buried. Who pays to dig me out, is that on me or does Uncle Sam take care of that?

SGT STAR: The United States Army pays on a government scale, according to your rank and time in service. In addition to this basic pay, special duties or skills may qualify you for specialty pay. The Army also provides allowances for housing, meals and uniforms, to offset the cost of living. Soldiers are paid on monthly/semi-weekly schedule reported to you on your Leave and Earnings Statement on the 1st and 15th of the month.

Bill: Offsetting the cost of living is no longer an issue for me, Sergeant Star. My only special skill these days is my ability to remain motionless for long periods of time. I guess I could stand guard or something, would I get extra for that?

SGT STAR:
Here's more:
• Promotions
• Ranks
• NCO

Bill: Possibility of “Promotions” this time if I reenlist, eh? Okay, fair enough.

SGT STAR: Once you decide to join the Army, your success depends on your qualifications, desire, commitment and demonstrated leadership potential.

Bill: Well, I think people like me have already demonstrated our "commitment." Thank you, Sergeant Star.

SGT STAR: You’re welcome.

Religious Right: You've Got To Try A Little Kindness

I was reading Cal Thomas today in the New Orleans Times-Picayune. Thomas, you know, is a nationally syndicated conservative columnist who was peddling the family values brand of Christian conservatism in mainstream media before it was “cool.”

The piece he ran today was essentially a puff for conservative Christian politician and Presidential candidate Sam Brownback. Senator Brownback was down here in Louisiana speaking to prisoners on death row in the state pen at Angola. Thomas thinks that’s a fine example of the sort of thing “social conservatives” (i.e. conservative Christian politicians) should be doing, especially in the wake of the Democratic triumphs of this last election cycle.

“Too many of the (Christian right’s) constituents have been conditioned by the negative approach,” writes Thomas. “In fund-raising letters, in public pronouncements and from some pulpits has come political and ideological invective that is not only unbecoming to the source of such statements but serves as a bad example to others.”

Well, that’s a rap on the wrist for the religious right from one of their own.

But Thomas is not serious in his call for a more positive tone from the politicized Christians. I know that because he singles out Brownback as an example of the kind of “positive message” Christian politician that the religious right ought to embrace.

Oh, yeah, Brownback’s a “uniter”—this is a guy who favors teaching intelligent design alongside evolution and leads the charge against embryonic stem cell research. A pro-lifer who’s referred to the abortions in the United States since Roe v. Wade as "a holocaust;" a guy who opposes legalized abortion even in cases of rape and incest. Oh yeah, he’ll bring us together. The guy who never saw a wedge issue he didn’t like; that’s the kind of “positive” Christian candidate we can all get behind.

Worst of all, Thomas goes on to close his column with this:

“Here's my suggested resolution for the Republican-conservative-Christian voter, courtesy of singer-songwriter Glen Campbell:
You got to try a little kindness/ Yes show a little kindness/ Just shine your light for everyone to see/ And if you try a little kindness/ Then you'll overlook the blindness/ Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets.
From a political standpoint, the best part of this strategy is that it works and might even prompt more people to vote Republican in 2008.”

What an asshole. Now I’ve got that tune stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Cal.

And that’s like, the lowest thing you can do as a political columnist—to sum up your thoughts and pad out the column by closing with the lyrics of an “inspiring pop song.” That’s the stupidest thing a columnist can do; that’s why William F. Buckley never signs off with the lyrics from “Free Bird” (“And this bird/you cannot chaa-aaa-nge”) and Walter Lippman never closed his editorials with “Yes, we have no bananas/we have no bananas, to-day.” It’s stupid. A stupid thing to do. Only a stupid person would be “impressed” by that tactic. “Wow…try a little kindness. You know, that’s really true. Read this article by Cal Thomas, Ethel, there’s a really heavy thought at the end there from Glen Campbell. Mmm, these lead-based paint chips are delicious…”

Anyway, “trying a little kindness” won’t “work” for this constituency, as Thomas claims. Because politicized Christianity is the “bad” side of Christianity; it depends on division, on the condemnation of law-abiding people who happen to disagree with its agenda. (The “good” side of Christianity is glorifying God by doing charitable works—acts of kindness. The bizarre part here is that Thomas is telling Christians to do more acts of kindness because that’s the way YA WIN VOTES.)

But the religious right doesn’t win votes by acts of kindness, it wins votes by condemning the things that this constituency fears--because these voters believe the things they fear are downright sinful and therefore shouldn’t be tolerated. Fear and condemnation are at the heart of the Christian political movement; the source of its strength. You’re not going to re-vitalize the Christian right by telling them to be less narrow-minded, more positive, and lay off the invective.

You’ll lose your “base,” if you keep telling them that.

And now I’d like to close with a little number we can all learn something from, courtesy of singer/songwriters the Baha Men:

WOOF/ WOOF WOOF/WOOF WOOF/Who let the dogs out?/WOOF/WOOF WOOF/WOOF WOOF/ Get back, Ruffy/Bye, Scruffy/Get back, you flea-infested mongrel/WOOF/ WOOF WOOF/WOOF WOOF